Saturday, October 26, 2013

Week 8 Stink Rankings

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter

[Editor's Note: Tim the Dis-Enchanter is a life long Buffalo Bills fan. In the late 90's, Tim had all of his blood replaced with venom so he could properly display his feelings. The result is the following]

The following may be found highly offensive. Do not consume the Stink Rankings if you are easily offended, have any sense of morality, are pregnant or may become pregnant. The views expressed below are that of a deeply bitter man and in no way reflect those of The Sports Narrative, any of its members or anyone with a conscience.

Side effects of viewing the Stink Rankings may include nausea, complete loss of bladder control, unfortunate but humorous flatulence and death. If any of these symptoms occur, immediately retweet this to all of your friends, co-workers and enemies. Misery loves company!


Week Eight Stink Rankings


1.) Chiefs +2 – A class action lawsuit on behalf of Kansas City season ticket holders seeks to recover ticket costs for fans in two entire sections who cannot see the games around Andy Reid.
2.) Saints NC – The Saints have the equivalent of a second bye week Sunday as they face the Bills.    
3.) Seahawks +1  – Boring.
4.) Broncos -3 – Papa John’s restaurants in the Denver Metro area have a new pizza special called the “Manning”. Instead of a pizza, you get a picture of Peyton Manning’s ass on a platter.
5.) Bengals +1 – Week 8 is just about time for two Bengals players to be arrested on drug or assault charges.    
6.) Patriots -1 – Number of Super Bowl victories since “Spygate”: Zero. 
7.) Bears NC – Cu_tler was very irritable for an entire week before his groin injury. Seems like he’s injured every month. Cu_tler.  
8.) Colts +8 – After Monday night’s victory over the A-holishly arrogant Denver Douchebags, there was justice in the world for a fleeting moment.

9.) 69ers -1 – San Francisco should have all male cheerleaders. 
10.) Packers -1 Aaron Rodgers is still a raging douchebag. He looks like the guy at the party who’s hitting on your girlfriend every time you step away for 10 minutes.
11.) Jets +4 – I really enjoyed the way Rex Ryan set the perfect trap for the cheaters. It was as if Rex Ryan was the woman impersonating a 14 year old online, Belichick was the predator who showed up at the house with condoms and a six-pack, and the referee was Chris Hansen. Busted asshole! - although you’re free to leave at anytime...
12.) Cowboys +1 – Tony Uh-oh. 
13.) Falcons -3 – Embarrassing.
14.) Redskins -3 – RG2-4
15.) Chargers -3 –The Dallas Cowboys of the AFC West. 
16.) Lions -2 – The worst team to watch. They should get a Bye season. 

17.) Cardinals +1 – Why don’t you change your name to something more intimidating like the Arizona “Scorpions”, or the Arizona “Immigration Policy Lunatics”?  
18.) Browns +1 – Cleveland’s new logo will be a pair of men’s briefs with a big @#$% streak down the middle. The Browns.  
19.) Ravens +1 – The team has been terrible without the services of one linebacker. I’m still digging that new look as a sportscaster with the fake glasses. So intellectual looking! He looks like the guy who comes along with the cart full of old books for the prisoners. Let’s face it, Ray should be slipping decades-old issues of Penthouse into books for his “homies” on the cell block.  
20.) Titans +1 –The NFL lost a cool guy and a founding father last week. RIP Bud. 
21.) Dolphins -4 – Good luck selling tickets after that unwatchable @#$%-fest you put on against the Bills last Sunday. Watching paint dry seemed like a f-ing Olympic sport compared to that garbage product the NFL puked onto the field. Both owners should be embarrassed.    
22.) Texans NC – I still remember that d-head Texans fans that ruined our time by screaming vulgarities for the entire game last year against the Bills. I hope the team’s dive has caused his marriage to implode – not that Texas recognizes those kinds of marriages.     
23.) Rams NC – I would rather run naked across 6 lanes of rush hour traffic that sit through a Rams game. 
24.) Bills NC – Both running backs are smashed up, the team is led by a practice squad quarterback, and the cornerbacks are the worst in the league. Looks like a long day in New Orleans this Sunday. 

25.) Panthers +3 – Did anyone else notice the NFL commercials advertising last night’s Panthers/Buccaneers game all week by saying “Thursday night – the Panthers are getting ready to make a run...” 
26.) Vikings -1 – Please sell this crap team to a relevant city.     
27.) Raiders NC – Who cares.  
28.) Eagles -2 The guy you fired has his new team 7-0 and your new coach is 3-4 comma losers exclamation point.
29.) Steelers NC – Douchelessbagger.  
30.) Giants NC – Why do I get the feeling that Eli is Jealous of Peyton and is throwing games just so he… oh for @#$%’s sake – “Eli” – “Peyton”? Why does this sound like I’m discussing an episode of the Dukes of Hazzard.
31.) Buccaneers NC –Tampa should partner with the winless Jaguars. Each could fire half of their players in order to merge into one team with what’s left.  
32.) Jaguars NC The new team could be called the Jackson Bay Jaguaneers.


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