Saturday, October 5, 2013

Week 5 Stink Rankings

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter

[Editor's Note: Tim the Dis-Enchanter is a life long Buffalo Bills fan. In the late 90's, Tim had all of his blood replaced with venom so he could properly display his feelings. The result is the following]

The following may be found highly offensive. Do not consume the Stink Rankings if you are easily offended, have any sense of morality, are pregnant or may become pregnant. The views expressed below are that of a deeply bitter man and in no way reflect those of The Sports Narrative, any of its members or anyone with a conscience.

Side effects of viewing the Stink Rankings may include nausea, complete loss of bladder control, unfortunate but humorous flatulence and death. If any of these symptoms occur, immediately retweet this to all of your friends, co-workers and enemies. Misery loves company!

Week Five Stink Rankings

1.) Broncos +1 – Stupid goofy bastard hee-haw meat-head jackass idiot. It kills me to have to rank John Schnatter’s lover at #1.       
2.) Seahawks -1  – Close call in Houston. I wish I could have been there to see the dejected reactions of the fans as the Texans rolled over and bit the pillow in overtime. 
3.) Saints +9 –While watching the Saints pound the Dolphins, my mind kept conjuring up images of those 5 cops in L.A. as they clubbed Rodney King on that video tape.  
4.) Patriots +7 – How are you going to win without the services of that obese scumbag who likes to cheap-shot people?
5.) Chiefs -1 – Andy Reid’s gravitational field is now pulling hot dogs in all the way from the concessions stand inside Arrowhead Stadium.
6.) Chargers +9 – Remember that movie “Awakenings” with Robin Williams about those mental patients who were given L-Dopa and subsequently came out of their catatonic states remarkably and to everyone’s astonishment – only to fall back into the catatonic state shortly after? Game 9. 
7.) Falcons NC – Thanks a lot for not beating the Pukeriots, Matty “yikes”. Maybe you and Tammy Gonzalez could spend a little less time in the tanning beds in the future?
8.) 69ers NC – I don’t know what it is, but it just tickles me to see the 69ers floundering around with a Super Bowl hangover.

10.) Lions +9 – Boring.
11.) Bears -6 – I would like to point out that I said Cu*tler would take a dive in Detroit last week. Bitches.  
12.) Bengals -6 – The Browns clobbered the red-headed step child.  
13.) Cowboys -10 – First place at 2 - 2? Can Buffalo transfer to that division? They can just trade places with the Giants – no one will notice.
14.) Packers NC Which is more obnoxious? Peyton Manning doing the Papa John’s commercials or Aaron Rodgers with State Farm? I want to say Rodgers with that fat cheesehead at the end of every commercial, but then I think “thanks Papa”.
15.) Dolphins -5 – You’d think they would have at least showed up Monday night after John Gruden gushed over them for 3 hours. “I’ll tell ya what… I’ll tell ya what… I’ll tell ya what” No wonder Tampa fired you, you blathering ogre.  
16.) Redskins -3 – RG1-3!
17.) Cardinals NC – Don’t forget to DVR the Cardinals/Panthers game on Sunday. Gosh, I’d hate to miss that barn-burner! 
18.) Ravens NC – Way to throw, Joe Flaccid! You just don’t win many games when you rush for a total of 24 yards either. Not even in Buffalo. OK, usually not in Buffalo. Alright, frequently in Buffalo, but not last Sunday!
19.) Titans +10 – Ryan Fitzpatrick still helping the Bills...
20.) Colts NC – You really can’t expect to win many games with that drooling rot hanging open all framed in by that shitty neck beard. Luck’s face looks like a fat woman’s BLEEP!   
21.) Rams -5 – That’s a good name for this team, since that is the way they’ve been taking it for the last few weeks. 
22.) Jets NC – Ryan Fitzpatrick finally found a way to beat the Jets – get traded to Tennessee.  
23.) Bills +7 – The Ravens suck. The epicenter of that suck is Terrell Sugg’s mouth. The guy looks like a human lamprey, or one of those fish that just lays there and sucks the wall of your aquarium forever. Whenever you see Terrell Sugg’s mouth, you should imagine a BLEEP in it – as most Ravens fans were doing when he tore EJ Manuel’s helmet off and sealed the deal for the Bills..
24.) Browns +7 – Browns/Bills Thursday night. Let’s hope it’s blacked out in every city. 
25.) Panthers -2 – If I skipped the Panthers and ranked 31 teams, no one would notice.
26.) Vikings NC – Do us all a favor and stay in London. I’m sure you have more fans there anyway.  
27.) Eagles -6 Cry Eagles, Cry!    
28.) Raiders -1 –San Jose made a bid for a professional football team. They decided against it, because Oakland would have wanted one too.  
29.) Steelers -5 – 0-4lessberger! I was hoping they’d lose just so I could say that. 
30.) Giants -5 – Ironically, it’s the mouths of Giants fans that are hanging open and not Eli’s at this point.
31.) Buccaneers -3 – They should replace Josh Freeman with a new quarterback in next year’s draft. Maybe there will be one named “Whogivesacraplessberger”.
32.) Jaguars NC One quarter of the way to 0-16! You can do it! 

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