Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Week 7 Stink Rankings

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter

[Editor's Note: Tim the Dis-Enchanter is a life long Buffalo Bills fan. In the late 90's, Tim had all of his blood replaced with venom so he could properly display his feelings. The result is the following]

The following may be found highly offensive. Do not consume the Stink Rankings if you are easily offended, have any sense of morality, are pregnant or may become pregnant. The views expressed below are that of a deeply bitter man and in no way reflect those of The Sports Narrative, any of its members or anyone with a conscience.

Side effects of viewing the Stink Rankings may include nausea, complete loss of bladder control, unfortunate but humorous flatulence and death. If any of these symptoms occur, immediately retweet this to all of your friends, co-workers and enemies. Misery loves company!
Los Ranquleros de Stinque Week Siete

1.) Broncos +1 – How ironic that the team whose mascot is a horse is led by a horse’s ass.        
2.) Saints -1 – The Pukeriots cheated.    
3.) Chiefs NC – It turns out that the only reason Andy Reid agreed to coach Kansas City is because he thought he’d been asked if he wanted to be in charge of the Chefs.
4.) Seahawks -2  – Everyone set your DVR to record the Seahawks/Cardinals game Thursday night so you can watch it over and over.
5.) Patriots +3 – You may have beaten the Saints, but you did not eclipse Drew Brees’s touchdown streak. Yeah, you see how you’re the losers. 
6.) Bengals -1 – Andy, Andy... I really want to cheer for you. Could you stop doing the Phillip Rivers impression? That childish taunting and bragging on the field is rather annoying.    
7.) Bears +2 – In an effort to clean up my nasty list I shall refer to the quarterback of the Bears as Vaginaler. But only for this week, so enjoy it while you can, Vaginaler.
8.) 69ers -2 – In an effort to identify with their host city, the 69ers will continue wearing pink after breast cancer awareness month ends. 

9.) Packers -2 Rodgers: you’re going down for those stupid State Farm commercials with that fat red-headed cheese hat-wearing pituitary retard. I will find you.
10.) Falcons NC – Matty Yikes.
11.) Redskins NC – Looks like the skins have lost the battle of Wounded Knee…
12.) Chargers +6 – It’s ironic that the team that was founded with a personal loan from Ralph Wilson is called the “Chargers”. 
13.) Cowboys NC –Tony Ohno. 
14.) Lions +1 – Consistent mediocrity.
15.) Jets -1 – Come on, you put on a Defensive clinic in Atlanta, and then roll over for Classlessberger?   
16.) Colts -4 – I see old “beard boy” has hit a sophomore slump.

17.) Dolphins -1 – Tannehill had better take next Sunday off. The Bills will kick the snot out of the Dolphins. Oh, they’ll lose the game – but the Dolphins will be bashed up soundly!   
18.) Cardinals +1 – Who cares.  
19.) Browns +1 – Believeland.   
20.) Ravens +1 – Look for Joe Flaccid to cough up another in Shittsburgh this Sunday. 
21.) Titans +1 – It turns out that the person in the booth at Titans games was just a wax figure, and Bud Adams has been dead since 1986.
22.) Texans -5 – PickSixlessberger.  
23.) Rams NC – Ram Bam thank you Sam. 
24.) Bills NC – Now they’re losing games in overtime instead of at the buzzer. Does this mean they are improving or getting worse?

25.) Vikings NC – You deserve to suck. Hiring Brett Farve a couple of years ago was like banging your girlfriend’s sister. Perverts.     
26.) Eagles NC Hey fat boy! How’s about losing that stupid visor?     
27.) Raiders NC – How about “raiding” next year’s draft for some decent players?.  
28.) Panthers NC – Cam Newton finally remembered how to score touchdowns.
29.) Steelers -1 – Been Uselessberger.  
30.) Giants -1 – Maybe the Giants can use the number one overall draft pick to get a quarterback in next year’s draft.
31.) Buccaneers -1 – Tampa should be made to wear the 1970’s “creamsicle” uniforms for as long as they remain winless. 
32.) Jaguars -1 Maybe Coughlin can return and bring this team back to respectability after the Giants fire him – errr – I mean “let him decide on his own whether or not he wants to return next year”.

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