Saturday, October 12, 2013

Week 6 Stink Rankings

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter

[Editor's Note: Tim the Dis-Enchanter is a life long Buffalo Bills fan. In the late 90's, Tim had all of his blood replaced with venom so he could properly display his feelings. The result is the following]

The following may be found highly offensive. Do not consume the Stink Rankings if you are easily offended, have any sense of morality, are pregnant or may become pregnant. The views expressed below are that of a deeply bitter man and in no way reflect those of The Sports Narrative, any of its members or anyone with a conscience.

Side effects of viewing the Stink Rankings may include nausea, complete loss of bladder control, unfortunate but humorous flatulence and death. If any of these symptoms occur, immediately retweet this to all of your friends, co-workers and enemies. Misery loves company!


Le Ranque De Stinc Week Six

1.) Saints +2 – Whipping the Bears in Chicago was huge. Did you really think I would put the Broncos in first place?    

2.) Broncos -1 – You take a sales associate from Sharper Image who couldn’t get a date with his own hand. Now, you give that guy confidence. Not just ordinary confidence – the kind of obnoxious confidence that makes people vomit and be ashamed of their own species; we’re talking downright sociopathic arrogance. Pair that with a throwing arm and keep everything else nice and stupid. Gentleman, I give you the quarterback of the future… Thanks Papa.        

3.) Chiefs +2 – Wilford Brimley still doing an outstanding job coaching the Chefs.

4.) Seahawks -2  – The FBI has begun using the Seattle Seahawks as a suitable place for people in the witness relocation program.

5.) Bengals +7 – Way to stuff it up the stovepipe of the Patriots.   

6.) 69ers +2 – How can the gay capital of the universe support a football team? Gay people do not like football (sorry Coors Light drinkers). I don’t get it. 

7.) Packers +7 – Puck the Fackers.

8.) Patriots -4 – Brady 18-38, 197 yds, 0 tds. Drew Brees sends his regards.

9.) Bears +2 – I was openly saying “Cu*tler” in a restaurant and no one could tell. I found it more amusing than I should have.

10.) Falcons -3 – If you could win by throwing the ball to Tammy Gonzalez on every down, the Falcons would be awesome.

11.) Redskins +5 – Still RG1-3

12.) Colts +8 – They call me “Yuck Mouth” – ‘cause I don’t brush! How’s about a little kiss?   

13.) Cowboys NC – Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, but no one’s jaw hit the floor when Tony “turnover” Romo gave the game away.

14.) Jets +8 – Sanchez looking very masculine wearing that barrette in his hair while Geno Smith removes all doubt about whose job the quarterback position is. Sanchez’s team job this winter will be to warm up the balls on the sidelines by sitting on them like a hen.  

15.) Lions -5 – I would rather turn gay than watch a Lions game. Looks like an awkward Thanksgiving this year…

16.) Dolphins -1 – John Gruden continues to gush over Tannehomo and the fish, despite another ass beating.  

17.) Texans -8 – Has anyone else tried the new ‘Pick Six’ lotto game featuring Matt Schaub? Drawings held every Sunday.  

18.) Chargers -12 – Garbage. 

19.) Cardinals -2 – They beat Carolina. They’re awesome.  

20.) Browns +4 – I’ve got to hand it to them. They won the Rust Bowl.  

21.) Ravens -3 – Anybody else find it ridiculous that Murder Lewis is now sportscaster? The fake glasses with the phony glass lenses are an especially nice touch. If I were the producer, I would make him wear a white suit for every broadcast. 

22.) Titans -3 – In order to better reflect the area that the Titans represent, the team has petitioned the NFL to change their name to the Tennessee Meth Addicts.

23.) Rams -2 – Who cares. 

24.) Bills -1 – There won’t be any Stink Rankings next week. I’ll be trying out for a position as a Defensive Back for the Bills.

25.) Vikings +1 – I would rather become a known snitch in prison than watch the Vikings play.  

26.) Eagles +1 – Dog killer.    

27.) Raiders +1 – It’s almost Halloween, or as Raiders fans call it, “Sunday”.  

28.) Steelers +1 – Winlessberger.  

29.) Giants +1 – How has it all gone so awry?

30.) Buccaneers +1 – Arrr Matey!
31.) Jaguars +1 – Ugh.

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