Week Sixteen Stink Rankings
by Tim the Dis-Enchanter
1.) Patriots NC I don’t like the idea of incorporating “obtaining knowledge of, and studying other team’s game plans, plays, and formations” into the sport of football as an element of strategy – call me old fashioned. You simply do not dial-up these kinds of ass whippings this late in the season. The Pukeriots looked as though they had been in the huddle with the Texans. There is no way you’re in the perfect coverage every single time. Kudos to the 69ers for game planning.
2.) Texans NC Newsflash: Belichick’s brand of cheating involves gaining inside knowledge of the other teams formations, plays, etc. – but it’s the kind of cheating that a slimeball will try to get away with – like grabbing your 22 year old niece’s ass at Thanksgiving. That means that, despite his rampant and continued cheating, Houston should have dialed up some new plays for the Pukeriots to counter with. Laziness in game planning cost you an embarrassing loss to a pack of cheaters.
3.) Falcons NC I wouldn’t watch a Falcons game even if their cheerleaders went topless and it was broadcast in a bar on “Free Unlimited Heineken” night.
4.) Packers NC Why couldn’t Favre have tormented Aaron Rodgers in the locker room more before he left Green Bay so that Rodgers would have lacked the confidence to lead the team? Thanks for the legacy, Favre – oh, and for the thought of your penis as someone’s background on their iPhone.
5.) Redskins NC “Robert Griffin the Third”. How hard was that? #StopSayingRGIII
6.) 69ers NC When I watch Buffalo games on television they show people eating chicken wings during returns from commercial breaks. Cowboys games will feature people clad in cowboy hats, Packers games have the “cheese-heads”, Pittsburgh has that idiotic towel. Damn it, when the Niners play, I want gay weddings at Halftime.
7.) Bears NC Cu*tler.
8.) Broncos NC How sad it must be to be Peyton Manning. He’s incredibly rich and famous for being able to throw an inflated leather ball accurately, yet he cannot possibly be intelligent enough to actually enjoy being that wealthy. Sometimes I imagine that he had the interior of his house built to look exactly like a big gymnasium locker room. Anytime someone came over he would then run around naked under a towel trying to snap you with other towels – or stuff you into lockers, because I’d bet that’s how he would most prefer to spend his free time. Thanks Papa.
9.) Giants NC I saw a picture of Eli online with his mouth closed. It was the worst Photoshop job I have ever seen.
10.) Ravens NC The Ravens have really taken a dive in the last several weeks, but that is really insignificant when contrasted to the double-murder that Ray Lewis got away with. Merry Christmas, Ray.
11.) Saints NC Boring.
12.) Seahawks NC Pete Carroll is a total ass for having the nerve to fake a punt with a 30-point lead. Pete, your tender NFL career seems promising, but some of us will feel a sense of satisfaction when you lose your first playoff game next month.
13.) Steelers NC Uselessberger.
14.) Dolphins NC The Dolphins will lose to the Bills tomorrow. Not because the Bills are the better team, but because the Bills are too stupid to throw the game and keep a high draft pick for next year.
15.) Vikings NC Who cares.
16.) Buccaneers NC BORING.
17.) Rams NC Thank you Jeff Fisher. Thank you in your ear-hole, you dirty scumbag. I used to think you were a good coach. Now I see your players all start diving straight into everyone’s knees when they are losing a close game? Thank you, Jeff.
18.) Colts NC Edvard Munch’s famous painting: “The Scream” would have been much cooler if it were themed after the Indianapolis Colts. Instead of the ghastly screaming figure, he could have painted Andrew Luck with his gaping-hole-of-a-mouth standing on that bridge. Maybe a touch of Salvador Dali with some melting footballs in the background as well.
19.) Lions NC “Undone again Suh” should continue his kicking streak. Arms and balls are already on the list, so next time maybe he could kick someone in the eye.
20.) Cowboys NC Quit storming off whining and throwing your hands in the air like a whining punk every time you don’t make a catch, Dez. Every time we see you do that, we are thinking: “yes, that does look like someone who might punch his mother in the face”. You are the biggest crybaby in the NFL since Michael “Sniffy” Irvin. Your attitude is inhibiting your success.
21.) Bills NC The Bills desperately need a franchise quarterback and the next draft is very thin with quarterback prospects. Oh Buffalo, what a lucky, lucky city you are. You could have been in on the quarterback boom of 2012, but hey you’ve got Stephon Gilmore.
22.) Cardinals NC Change your stupid mascot. You know what cardinals do? They lay eggs and sh*t on people – just like your team does every Sunday.
23.) Panthers NC Being 5 – 9 is the biggest reason not to do the “Superman shirt tear” after you do something insignificant during a game that you are about to lose. Please stop doing it.
24.) Bengals NC Unwatchable.
25.) Jets NC Inside sources have confirmed that the play where Sanchez drove his face into Brandon Moore’s ass was actually drawn up that way. And now you know.
26.) Eagles NC Michael Vick has been benched for several weeks since sustaining a concussion and being unable to pass the cognitive tests necessary to get cleared to play. Turns out he is fine after all, and just has an unusually low IQ.
27.) Chargers NC Rivers is actually an extremely accurate quarterback, it’s just that he’s really bad at distinguishing between jerseys.
28.) Raiders NC If the Raiders ever disbanded, their fans (who look like a cross between members of the rock band KISS and intellectually stunted and overweight Hun invaders) would simply glom on to other sports teams. Let’s keep the Raiders where they belong: Oakland.
29.) Browns NC The Browns couldn’t even have a winning season if you combined the entire team with the entire team of the Buffalo Bills and allowed a 106 man roster. The newly formed “Cleveland Brills” would still suck. The Bills would actually get slightly better.
30.) Titans NC The Tennessee Flaming Thumbtacks.
31.) Jaguars NC Let us now “close the curtain of charity” on the Jaguars season, as Mr. Twain would say.
32.) Chiefs NC And with the number one pick in the 2013 NFL draft…