Sunday, December 23, 2012

Rankings Filled with the Xmas Spirit!

Week Sixteen Stink Rankings

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter 

{Note: No movement this week. The Playoffs are getting close and the Buffalo Bills are quietly beginning to clean out their lockers. The Bills have signed a 10 year lease on Ralph Wilson Stadium and somewhere in Cleveland Ralph Wilson is peeing in his pants and thinking he's Napoleon}

1.) Patriots NC I don’t like the idea of incorporating “obtaining knowledge of, and studying other team’s game plans, plays, and formations” into the sport of football as an element of strategy – call me old fashioned. You simply do not dial-up these kinds of ass whippings this late in the season. The Pukeriots looked as though they had been in the huddle with the Texans. There is no way you’re in the perfect coverage every single time. Kudos to the 69ers for game planning.


2.) Texans NC Newsflash: Belichick’s brand of cheating involves gaining inside knowledge of the other teams formations, plays, etc. – but it’s the kind of cheating that a slimeball will try to get away with – like grabbing your 22 year old niece’s ass at Thanksgiving. That means that, despite his rampant and continued cheating, Houston should have dialed up some new plays for the Pukeriots to counter with. Laziness in game planning cost you an embarrassing loss to a pack of cheaters.


3.) Falcons NC I wouldn’t watch a Falcons game even if their cheerleaders went topless and it was broadcast in a bar on “Free Unlimited Heineken” night.


4.) Packers NC Why couldn’t Favre have tormented Aaron Rodgers in the locker room more before he left Green Bay so that Rodgers would have lacked the confidence to lead the team? Thanks for the legacy, Favre – oh, and for the thought of your penis as someone’s background on their iPhone.  


5.) Redskins NC “Robert Griffin the Third”. How hard was that? #StopSayingRGIII


6.) 69ers NC When I watch Buffalo games on television they show people eating chicken wings during returns from commercial breaks. Cowboys games will feature people clad in cowboy hats, Packers games have the “cheese-heads”, Pittsburgh has that idiotic towel. Damn it, when the Niners play, I want gay weddings at Halftime.


7.) Bears NC Cu*tler.


8.) Broncos NC How sad it must be to be Peyton Manning. He’s incredibly rich and famous for being able to throw an inflated leather ball accurately, yet he cannot possibly be intelligent enough to actually enjoy being that wealthy. Sometimes I imagine that he had the interior of his house built to look exactly like a big gymnasium locker room. Anytime someone came over he would then run around naked under a towel trying to snap you with other towels – or stuff you into lockers, because I’d bet that’s how he would most prefer to spend his free time. Thanks Papa.


9.) Giants NC I saw a picture of Eli online with his mouth closed. It was the worst Photoshop job I have ever seen. 


10.) Ravens NC The Ravens have really taken a dive in the last several weeks, but that is really insignificant when contrasted to the double-murder that Ray Lewis got away with. Merry Christmas, Ray.


11.) Saints NC Boring.


12.) Seahawks NC Pete Carroll is a total ass for having the nerve to fake a punt with a 30-point lead. Pete, your tender NFL career seems promising, but some of us will feel a sense of satisfaction when you lose your first playoff game next month.


13.) Steelers NC Uselessberger.


14.) Dolphins NC The Dolphins will lose to the Bills tomorrow. Not because the Bills are the better team, but because the Bills are too stupid to throw the game and keep a high draft pick for next year.


15.) Vikings NC Who cares.


16.) Buccaneers NC BORING.


17.) Rams NC Thank you Jeff Fisher. Thank you in your ear-hole, you dirty scumbag. I used to think you were a good coach. Now I see your players all start diving straight into everyone’s knees when they are losing a close game? Thank you, Jeff.


18.) Colts NC Edvard Munch’s famous painting: “The Scream” would have been much cooler if it were themed after the Indianapolis Colts. Instead of the ghastly screaming figure, he could have painted Andrew Luck with his gaping-hole-of-a-mouth standing on that bridge. Maybe a touch of Salvador Dali with some melting footballs in the background as well.


19.) Lions NC “Undone again Suh” should continue his kicking streak. Arms and balls are already on the list, so next time maybe he could kick someone in the eye. 


20.) Cowboys NC Quit storming off whining and throwing your hands in the air like a whining punk every time you don’t make a catch, Dez. Every time we see you do that, we are thinking: “yes, that does look like someone who might punch his mother in the face”. You are the biggest crybaby in the NFL since Michael “Sniffy” Irvin. Your attitude is inhibiting your success.


21.) Bills NC The Bills desperately need a franchise quarterback and the next draft is very thin with quarterback prospects. Oh Buffalo, what a lucky, lucky city you are. You could have been in on the quarterback boom of 2012, but hey you’ve got Stephon Gilmore.


22.) Cardinals NC Change your stupid mascot. You know what cardinals do? They lay eggs and sh*t on people – just like your team does every Sunday.


23.) Panthers NC Being 5 – 9 is the biggest reason not to do the “Superman shirt tear” after you do something insignificant during a game that you are about to lose. Please stop doing it.


24.) Bengals NC Unwatchable.


25.) Jets NC Inside sources have confirmed that the play where Sanchez drove his face into Brandon Moore’s ass was actually drawn up that way. And now you know.


26.) Eagles NC Michael Vick has been benched for several weeks since sustaining a concussion and being unable to pass the cognitive tests necessary to get cleared to play. Turns out he is fine after all, and just has an unusually low IQ. 


27.) Chargers NC Rivers is actually an extremely accurate quarterback, it’s just that he’s really bad at distinguishing between jerseys. 


28.) Raiders NC If the Raiders ever disbanded, their fans (who look like a cross between members of the rock band KISS and intellectually stunted and overweight Hun invaders) would simply glom on to other sports teams. Let’s keep the Raiders where they belong: Oakland.


29.) Browns NC The Browns couldn’t even have a winning season if you combined the entire team with the entire team of the Buffalo Bills and allowed a 106 man roster. The newly formed “Cleveland Brills” would still suck. The Bills would actually get slightly better.  


30.) Titans NC The Tennessee Flaming Thumbtacks.


31.) Jaguars NC Let us now “close the curtain of charity” on the Jaguars season, as Mr. Twain would say.


32.) Chiefs NC And with the number one pick in the 2013 NFL draft… 

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Cowboys-Steelers Preview

Howdy Football Fans,

Normally this content is exclusive to The Cowboys Pre-game Show at

but today you are getting some premium content free of charge. You know, because it is the Holiday Season and all. So here it is:

Inside The Numbers

by @sportsnarrative

Alright Cowboys fans, as you may know I was one of the few analysts in all of America that predicted a narrow Cowboys victory last week after some intense film and statistically work. And while the Boys did manage to make it a bit closer than even I expected, a last second Dan Bailey FG proved my hypothesis and thus my genius. (HA!) With all that being said, I feel like I've got as good a grasp on this team as can be had in this crazy league we call the NFL. However, this week's news is not as favorable as last week and the Bold Predictions (patent-pending) section may even be more discouraging. Let's go to the numbers:
On Offense:
By the rankings, the Cowboys are 10th in total offense, 3rd in passing, 31st in rushing and 15th and points scored.
The Steelers are 19th in total offense, 11th in passing, 25th in rushing and 21st in points scored.
Here's a few more numbers in the Cowboys favor: TO margin Dal - 27th (-10) Pitt 31st (-13)
Yards per play: Dal - 12th Pitt - 23rd
So the Cowboys are clearly much more proficient at moving the football. However, there's a few numbers that are concerning for Dallas:
QB Rating Dal - 89.6 Pitt - 87.7 Time of Possession Dal - 7th Pitt - 2nd Sacks All Dal 31 Pitt 27
These numbers point to a much closer battle than the rankings would indicate and show two teams that like to posses the ball. Usually that means running the ball and not turning it over, both big factors for the game today.
On Defense:
By the ranking, the Cowboys are 11th in total defense, 8th in passing, 16th in rushing and 22nd in points allowed.
The Steelers are 1st in total defense, 1st in passing, 5th in rushing and 7th in points allowed.
While the yardage number for the Dallas D looks good, some interior numbers reveal a soft underbelly on that side of the ball due to the major injuries at NT, ILB and S.
Yard per play allowed Dal 23rd (5.7) Pitt 2nd (4.5) Comp % allowed Dal - 62.5 Pitt - 54.7
QB Rating against Dal - 93.4 Pitt - 77.4
20+ yard pass plays allowed Dal - 43 Pitt - 23
The Steelers, despite some impressive stats, are much more vanilla than in years past. They don't allow you to hit big plays, but they also don't turn the ball over like they normally do. The Steelers seek to grind you down with Time of Possession, a punishing yet unspectacular running attack and relying on Big Ben to fend off sacks and make plays.
Meanwhile, the Cowboys are allowing teams to drive the field especially in the first 2 quarters, and then rely on Romo and his weapons to rally back from a deficit. This is a strategy I don't think will work today.
Keys to Victory:
1. Establish the Run:
Both teams will seek to establish the run early, and I look for a slow grind to the first half of football.
2. Injuries at CB:
With Claiborne questionable and Ike Taylor out, both teams are missing their top duo of corners so the ability to isolate and get the ball to the WRs will play a big factor in today's outcome.
3. Get to the QB:
Both teams have a major weakness in the offensive line, so protecting their signal callers is a big deal. The Cowboys must have more than just DeMarcus Ware pressuring the QB as Big Ben is rarely brought down by only 1 tackler. The Cowboys O-Line also must gel and act with one mind to block the exotic blitz scheme of the Steelers 3-4, something they really haven't done all year.
Bold Predictions:
1. Kyle Orton will take at least 1 snap in this game, as I think Romo is going to take a beating. After what Cincinnati did to the Cowboys QB last week, this week could be much much worse.
2. The crowd will be louder for Steelers TDs than Cowboys TDs. A large amount of apathy in the Cowboys fandom means that many transplanted Steelers fans should be in attendance and will be quite vocal.
3. Final Score: Pittsburgh 23 Dallas 13
For all the good feelings I had about a Dallas victory last week, I have equally bad feelings for the Cowboys this week. I think this game will end the Cowboys pursuit of the playoffs, end the season's of a few injured players (Dez, Claiborne and maybe Romo) and overall be a grinding and boring game. Sorry, Cowboys fans. It just doesn't look good for you this Sunday.


A show that can only happen once every 100 years! Join Jeff and the crew as they talk sports and all that implies. Football, baseball, basketball, entertainment, etc

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Apocalypse Now?

Bottom of The Bottle

by The Mick

Hey it’s your old pal The Mick finally writing some stuff. I know I’m behind schedule, whatever. It’s normally helpful if someone throws me an idea or two, even if I reject the ideas it helps me get stories going. Of course, lately nothing has been getting the ire going. All the news stories have been boring: some guy kills his chick and himself, some celeb got in a fight while another has a crappy home life, politicians are wrong about how the world works and we suffer the consequences. Blah, blah, boring. I know it’s not going to happen, but, the Mayan end times would at least be different.

I actually love all the doomsday screamers. “Oh no, we are all gonna die. Dead people said so!” If they were so prophetic, then why didn’t they see their own extinction coming? It’s hard to believe someone that didn’t see it coming. The “true believers” say that somewhere in the dead language carvings that the Mayans did see the Spanish Inquisition. I think not, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Of course, most scholars agree that it’s all a pile of s#!t. A huge steaming pile of soft bacteria riddled s#!t. The biggest issue with stating an end from a countdown is the beginning. Let’s get deep for a second. If you want to have an hourglass effect, then when does it get turned over? Let’s say that humans will have 200,000 years to do everything we can before we turn back into lemurs. Based on the latest findings, we have 5000 years left. That is until older remains are found next week which will give us only 100 years. Of course, we don’t have an accurate dating system. The tightest dating methods are plus or minus 25,000 years, maybe. It seems like a tightly guarded secret how much guessing goes on in archeology. Which brings me back to the main point, how can you count down when you don’t know when the clock started?

But, it’s a calendar and it’s a circle. Circles are great because they have no end or beginning. The long count calendar (the bad one) is supposed to be linear, and so is the Gregorian calendar. That’s our calendar, you know, the new one you buy every year with pictures of kittens and naked women. So in a few thousand years when our society is gone and forgotten we will be seen as the most pessimistic people ever. This obsession with the end hasn’t helped us appreciate what we have as it should and that will be our downfall.

So see y’all on the 22nd, bitches!

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Week 14 Stink Rankings

Week 14 Stink Rankings

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter

Note: Readership has exceeded 10,000 this week. That's more people than voted for Mitt Romney in the state of Vermont. Lol
1.) Patriots NC With the Pukeriots on top, NFL game watching is at an all-time low. No wonder the terrorists hate us.
2.) Texans NC Houston beats the Titans. Gee, who saw that coming? How will their fans react when they finish their season 0 -1 in the playoffs?
3.) Falcons +1Who is more orange? Matty Yikes, John Boehner, or Snookie?
4.) Packers +2 I would rather be kicked in the testicles than see the Packers in the playoffs again.

5.) Redskins +3 It is Robert Griffin, not “RG3”. For the love of god, please stop saying “RG3”.
6.) 69ers -3 Copernicus takes a dive and coughs one up to the Rams in overtime.
7.) Bears -2  Cu*tler’s mid-season dive is late this year, but finally arrived Sunday in a loss to the Sqwaks. Better late than never.
8.) Broncos +3 Thanks Papa.
9.) Giants NC Eli Manning’s game has been off ever since Andrew Luck showed the world that the gaping hole of a mouth in his face is bigger than Eli’s. If the Giants play the Colts, an overtime scenario would be determined by players tossing bean bags into the opposing quarterback’s mouths. 
10.) Ravens -3 Flacco looked like he had taken his game to the next level until rolling over for Pittsburgh on Sunday. Rolling over and biting the pillow.
11.) Saints -1 Looks like Drew Brees’ streak of touchdown passes is over. Somewhere Terry Bradshaw is smiling and snorting lines of Viagra.
12.) Seahawks NC Boring.
13.) Steelers NC Worthlessberger.
14.) Dolphins +1 Looks like the Dolphins will end up in cans of tuna again this year.
15.) Vikings +1 I would rather drink Windex than watch the Vikings play.
16.) Buccaneers +1Who cares.
17.) Rams +1 The Rams keep looking better – especially after a HUGE win over the 69ers.
18.) Colts +8 Can you imagine choosing Andrew Luck as the Best Man at your wedding? You’re standing there next to your beautiful wife about to enter into the sanctity of marriage and you look over and that moron is standing there in a tuxedo with that gaping hole of a mouth in his face with snot leaking into it and flies going in and out? Well, I can. And I think about it ALL the time.
19.) Lions -5 Yeah, thanks for choking in the Colts game. Come on, you couldn’t have kicked Andrew Luck in the nuts and pulled out a win??
20.) Cowboys +2 Overpaid and underperforming: Now that’s a real America’s team!
21.) Bills -2 An impressive win over the Chokuars doesn’t move the Bills in the rankings. The Bills can still make the playoffs, but it seems unlikely. Pittsburgh’s team plane would have to go down killing all aboard. Israel would have to sign a peace accord with the Palestinians, and the show “Knight Rider” would have to return to prime-time after 26 years. While all of these things are possible, remember the Bills would also have to win out for the rest of the season, which seems the least likely of all these things.
22.) Cardinals -2Two field goals over the floundering Jets?
23.) Panthers -2How has it all gone so terribly wrong?
24.) Bengals -1 [comments omitted due to the continuing underperformance of the team]
25.) Jets -1 Whose ass will Sanchez plant his face into this week?
26.) Eagles -1 Potential jobs for Andy Reid: 1.) The new Gorton’s fisherman 2.) Replacing Wilford Brimley on those diabetes commercials, or 3.) Spokesman for Cialis
27.) Chargers NC Looks like the Chargers have arced and blown a fuse.
28.) Raiders NC I would rather watch Mitt Romney’s dancing horse Rafalca dance to “Gangnam Style” than watch the Raiders play on Sunday.
29.) Browns NC Damn you for making us watch the Cleveland Browns, Roger Goodell. Damn you straight to hell.
30.) Titans NC Matt Hasselbeck is terrible, but he’s sure got a purdy mouth. REEEEEEEEEE!!! REEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Editors Note: ok, I was trying to give a ‘shout’ to Tennessee rednecks with a pun from the movie “Deliverance”, but since some of the younger readers may not get the reference, “Deliverance” is a movie about these guys who used to play for Steelers who go on a canoe trip and get sodomized by rednecks and are made to squeal like pigs. Sorry, it was late and I was tired.
31.) Jaguars NC The Los Angeles Chokuars.
32.) Chiefs NC Time to blow it up and start over. Firing Romeo Crennel would be a good place to start.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Creative Solutions to Real World Problems

Bottom of The Bottle

By The Mick

Hey it’s you old pal The Mick here with a brilliant idea. As you know I like to sit around and think about how screwed up our society is and its many mistakes. So, being the genius (drunk) that I am I have solved yet another of the world’s problems. It all started while I was going over the issues of life from the past couple of days and I realized how much schools have changed since I was there. Back in my day if you were being bullied you had two options: you could sit back and take it or you could fight back. In the ancient 20th century a teacher would just shrug if you said anything and you were then forever labeled a snitch. But today, schools have a zero tolerance for bullies and kids are encouraged to speak up. This new policy stems from the rash of school shooting in the late 1990’s and early 2000’s, which I can tell you is a bad policy and a direct cause of said shootings. In 1997 I remember a law being passed that made the punishment for fighting the exact same as the penalty for using a gun. When they announced that law at my high school assembly I spoke out and said, “That’s retarded! Kids are just going to start shooting each other!” Even back then I was a prophet. But now, almost 20 years later, and since I just thought about it, I have a solution. Fight Boxes! It’s a simple idea that will work for children and adults.

Let’s start in the schools. The boxes can be just a taped off area, preferably by the principal’s office. When two kids have a beef they throw down their backpacks and He-Man lunchboxes and step into the ring. Two kids, one on one, and since the principal or other school official can see it, the fights will be short. Each kid, no matter the winner, will get the same slap on the wrist, be it in school suspension or detention plus a stern talking to in order to ensure the issue is squashed. Now for the important bit, the Fight Box is for two people only. If another kid jumps in to “gang” up on the other kid it now becomes a gang issue. Gang violations should be incredibly stiff which includes actual jail time. The same goes for any weapon use. That way the fights are as fair as possible and hormonal teenagers don’t shoot the place up and we aren’t raising a generation of pu**ies.

Now for the adult version, this gets a little more complicated. The Fight Box will be an actual box with walls and a door. To enter the box both people must swipe their ID, that way you can be summoned to Fight Court. Fight Court is where you pay your nominal fine and court costs, just like the school version. Everyone pays the same amount no matter the outcome, so I’m thinking $25 fine and $25 court fee should suffice. A sensor on the door will let the system know if more than two people enter and when the contestants leave. Of course, it will be equipped with a red emergency button in case someone gets knocked the f#@k out. You knock a fool out, exit and hit the button no additional fine is levied. However, after 30 seconds if the second person doesn’t leave emergency personnel will be automatically be dispatched and fighter number 1 gets hit with attempted murder charges. Weekly maintenance people will test the doors, ID readers and emergency systems as well as give it a good scrubbing. Granted the small fines won’t pay that salary, but, I would gladly pay an extra dollar on my vehicle registration to have a properly maintained Fight Box. All Fight Boxes will be equipped with cameras that will feed to local police, for an added security net against cheating, as well as to a local TV channel and to YouTube. Every bar in America would have its own channel because what’s better than watching a real reality show of people settling disputes street justice style. Did I mention in the adult Fight Box that you have to enter without weapons, rings or shirts? That’s important because it applies to anyone entering the Fight Box. Men, women, skinny, fat, young or old must remove shirts before fighting. I can imagine the plethora of excuses now, “I’d kick your ass if I had $50!” or “I’d take you on, but, my license is expired.” Of course hardcore mother#@kers will slap a Grant on the table and say, “Let’s go, bitch.”

So, there you go faithful readers I have solved a ton of problems at once. I have given society, both young and old, a release for their issues and created additional jobs and revenue. Vote The Mick 2016!!!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

16 days to the Apocalypse Podcast

Join Jeff, Darren and The Mick for 90 minutes of sports, laughs and fun. Special guest Dustin Copening will join the show for some serious Hot Stove Baseball talk and stick around for some Terrible NFL Picks. Tell a friend!

Monday, December 3, 2012

Episode #13

Happy December, sports fans! In a special 90 minute show, Jeff and The Mick discuss the tragic events in Kansas City, the weekend in college and pro football and have a few laughs as well. Enjoy!

I. The Narrative - Commentary on the KC events
II. NFL Recaps
III. College Football Round-Up
IV. Entertainment Enema w/ The Mick

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Rangers Blog from Darren Boyd

Hey Ranger Fans, the long awaited Winter Meetings are upon us starting Monday. The NFL & NBA typically have most of their Free Agents signed in 72-96 hours when the window opens while baseball likes to draw out Free Agency over many, many, many months. Anyway, here is a look at a few areas of need that our Rangers will be shopping for.
Catchers- It is a weak market but a major piece went off of it yest as Russell Martin signed a 2 yr 17 mill deal with the Pirates. Shocking to me because his camp wanted 4 yr for 40 mill. What will this say about Mike Napoli's value in the market place. He also wants 4 years but so far nobody will offer more then 3 years. I bet he is upset for turning down that 3 year 36 mill extension the Rangers offered last year. I still think the Rangers will land him for 3 years for 27 mill range. Also tonight the Rangers have to make a descion on G. Soto wether to tender him for around 5 mill or let him test free agency. Goodbye Soto unless you want to come back for 2 years and 5 mill total. If Napoli and Soto go else where I expect the Rangers to trade for a starter.
Pitching. The Golden Egg is Zach Grienke. Rumors out there that he will get 7 years and 165 mill. This would make him the highest paid right hander in MLB history if so. The Rangers have 2 billionaire owners, if they want to shell out that kind of money for him, I'm on board. You can never have enough quality pitching in baseball. Outside of Zach there is nothing on the free agent market that excites the Rangers. They will stay in house to fill out the rotation baring a major trade.
Josh Hamilton- At the end of the season I said goodbye to Josh. Btw, the only baseball jersey Ive ever owned is a Red Josh Jersey. I thought it was comical when the 7 year 175 mill rumors were out there. It seemed that the Rangers and Josh were moving on. Now that time as passed and the Market is slow for Josh I can see a Ranger return.......on the Rangers terms. Money wont be a issue its just the length of contract. Id speculate the Rangers offer 3 years with a 1 option at 25 mill a year. Will that get it done, it might. of course it just takes 1 team to fall in love with Josh and back up the Brinks truck.
Ive never understood why fans get so upset about paying players. The Tom Hicks days are long gone. The Rangers have 2 billionaire owners and a massive Fox TV contract coming up. You cant always win in Free agency but as the lotto motto says " you cant win if you don't play" We shall watch over the coming months as the Rangers add a few pieces to a 93 win team and look to get back to the promise land.