Week 14 Stink Rankings
by Tim the Dis-Enchanter
Note: Readership has exceeded 10,000 this week. That's more people than voted for Mitt Romney in the state of Vermont. Lol
1.) Patriots NC With the Pukeriots on top, NFL game watching is at an all-time low. No wonder the terrorists hate us.
2.) Texans NC Houston beats the Titans. Gee, who saw that coming? How will their fans react when they finish their season 0 -1 in the playoffs?
3.) Falcons +1Who is more orange? Matty Yikes, John Boehner, or Snookie?
4.) Packers +2 I would rather be kicked in the testicles than see the Packers in the playoffs again.
5.) Redskins +3 It is Robert Griffin, not “RG3”. For the love of god, please stop saying “RG3”.
6.) 69ers -3 Copernicus takes a dive and coughs one up to the Rams in overtime.
7.) Bears -2 Cu*tler’s mid-season dive is late this year, but finally arrived Sunday in a loss to the Sqwaks. Better late than never.
8.) Broncos +3 Thanks Papa.
9.) Giants NC Eli Manning’s game has been off ever since Andrew Luck showed the world that the gaping hole of a mouth in his face is bigger than Eli’s. If the Giants play the Colts, an overtime scenario would be determined by players tossing bean bags into the opposing quarterback’s mouths.
10.) Ravens -3 Flacco looked like he had taken his game to the next level until rolling over for Pittsburgh on Sunday. Rolling over and biting the pillow.
11.) Saints -1 Looks like Drew Brees’ streak of touchdown passes is over. Somewhere Terry Bradshaw is smiling and snorting lines of Viagra.
12.) Seahawks NC Boring.
13.) Steelers NC Worthlessberger.
14.) Dolphins +1 Looks like the Dolphins will end up in cans of tuna again this year.
15.) Vikings +1 I would rather drink Windex than watch the Vikings play.
16.) Buccaneers +1Who cares.
17.) Rams +1 The Rams keep looking better – especially after a HUGE win over the 69ers.
18.) Colts +8 Can you imagine choosing Andrew Luck as the Best Man at your wedding? You’re standing there next to your beautiful wife about to enter into the sanctity of marriage and you look over and that moron is standing there in a tuxedo with that gaping hole of a mouth in his face with snot leaking into it and flies going in and out? Well, I can. And I think about it ALL the time.
19.) Lions -5 Yeah, thanks for choking in the Colts game. Come on, you couldn’t have kicked Andrew Luck in the nuts and pulled out a win??
20.) Cowboys +2 Overpaid and underperforming: Now that’s a real America’s team!
21.) Bills -2 An impressive win over the Chokuars doesn’t move the Bills in the rankings. The Bills can still make the playoffs, but it seems unlikely. Pittsburgh’s team plane would have to go down killing all aboard. Israel would have to sign a peace accord with the Palestinians, and the show “Knight Rider” would have to return to prime-time after 26 years. While all of these things are possible, remember the Bills would also have to win out for the rest of the season, which seems the least likely of all these things.
22.) Cardinals -2Two field goals over the floundering Jets?
23.) Panthers -2How has it all gone so terribly wrong?
24.) Bengals -1 [comments omitted due to the continuing underperformance of the team]
25.) Jets -1 Whose ass will Sanchez plant his face into this week?
26.) Eagles -1 Potential jobs for Andy Reid: 1.) The new Gorton’s fisherman 2.) Replacing Wilford Brimley on those diabetes commercials, or 3.) Spokesman for Cialis
27.) Chargers NC Looks like the Chargers have arced and blown a fuse.
28.) Raiders NC I would rather watch Mitt Romney’s dancing horse Rafalca dance to “Gangnam Style” than watch the Raiders play on Sunday.
29.) Browns NC Damn you for making us watch the Cleveland Browns, Roger Goodell. Damn you straight to hell.
30.) Titans NC Matt Hasselbeck is terrible, but he’s sure got a purdy mouth. REEEEEEEEEE!!! REEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Editors Note: ok, I was trying to give a ‘shout’ to Tennessee rednecks with a pun from the movie “Deliverance”, but since some of the younger readers may not get the reference, “Deliverance” is a movie about these guys who used to play for Steelers who go on a canoe trip and get sodomized by rednecks and are made to squeal like pigs. Sorry, it was late and I was tired.
31.) Jaguars NC The Los Angeles Chokuars.
32.) Chiefs NC Time to blow it up and start over. Firing Romeo Crennel would be a good place to start.