Bottom of The Bottle
By The Mick
Hey it’s you old pal The Mick here with a brilliant idea. As you know I like to sit around and think about how screwed up our society is and its many mistakes. So, being the genius (drunk) that I am I have solved yet another of the world’s problems. It all started while I was going over the issues of life from the past couple of days and I realized how much schools have changed since I was there. Back in my day if you were being bullied you had two options: you could sit back and take it or you could fight back. In the ancient 20th century a teacher would just shrug if you said anything and you were then forever labeled a snitch. But today, schools have a zero tolerance for bullies and kids are encouraged to speak up. This new policy stems from the rash of school shooting in the late 1990’s and early 2000’s, which I can tell you is a bad policy and a direct cause of said shootings. In 1997 I remember a law being passed that made the punishment for fighting the exact same as the penalty for using a gun. When they announced that law at my high school assembly I spoke out and said, “That’s retarded! Kids are just going to start shooting each other!” Even back then I was a prophet. But now, almost 20 years later, and since I just thought about it, I have a solution. Fight Boxes! It’s a simple idea that will work for children and adults.
Let’s start in the schools. The boxes can be just a taped off area, preferably by the principal’s office. When two kids have a beef they throw down their backpacks and He-Man lunchboxes and step into the ring. Two kids, one on one, and since the principal or other school official can see it, the fights will be short. Each kid, no matter the winner, will get the same slap on the wrist, be it in school suspension or detention plus a stern talking to in order to ensure the issue is squashed. Now for the important bit, the Fight Box is for two people only. If another kid jumps in to “gang” up on the other kid it now becomes a gang issue. Gang violations should be incredibly stiff which includes actual jail time. The same goes for any weapon use. That way the fights are as fair as possible and hormonal teenagers don’t shoot the place up and we aren’t raising a generation of pu**ies.
Now for the adult version, this gets a little more complicated. The Fight Box will be an actual box with walls and a door. To enter the box both people must swipe their ID, that way you can be summoned to Fight Court. Fight Court is where you pay your nominal fine and court costs, just like the school version. Everyone pays the same amount no matter the outcome, so I’m thinking $25 fine and $25 court fee should suffice. A sensor on the door will let the system know if more than two people enter and when the contestants leave. Of course, it will be equipped with a red emergency button in case someone gets knocked the f#@k out. You knock a fool out, exit and hit the button no additional fine is levied. However, after 30 seconds if the second person doesn’t leave emergency personnel will be automatically be dispatched and fighter number 1 gets hit with attempted murder charges. Weekly maintenance people will test the doors, ID readers and emergency systems as well as give it a good scrubbing. Granted the small fines won’t pay that salary, but, I would gladly pay an extra dollar on my vehicle registration to have a properly maintained Fight Box. All Fight Boxes will be equipped with cameras that will feed to local police, for an added security net against cheating, as well as to a local TV channel and to YouTube. Every bar in America would have its own channel because what’s better than watching a real reality show of people settling disputes street justice style. Did I mention in the adult Fight Box that you have to enter without weapons, rings or shirts? That’s important because it applies to anyone entering the Fight Box. Men, women, skinny, fat, young or old must remove shirts before fighting. I can imagine the plethora of excuses now, “I’d kick your ass if I had $50!” or “I’d take you on, but, my license is expired.” Of course hardcore mother#@kers will slap a Grant on the table and say, “Let’s go, bitch.”
So, there you go faithful readers I have solved a ton of problems at once. I have given society, both young and old, a release for their issues and created additional jobs and revenue. Vote The Mick 2016!!!