Sunday, September 29, 2013

Week 4 Stink Rankings

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter

[Editor's Note: We regret the delay in delivering this week's Stink Rankings. Tim the Dis-Enchanter was earning his Masters in A-hole studies at Curmudgeon University. Congratulations, Tim, you're a certified *&^%$ now!]

 The following may be found highly offensive. Do not consume the Stink Rankings if you are easily offended, have any sense of morality, are pregnant or may become pregnant. The views expressed below are that of a deeply bitter man and in no way reflect those of The Sports Narrative, any of its members or anyone with a conscience.

Side effects of viewing the Stink Rankings may include nausea, complete loss of bladder control, unfortunate but humorous flatulence and death. If any of these symptoms occur, immediately retweet this to all of your friends, co-workers and enemies. Misery loves company!

Week Four Stink Rankings

1.) Seahawks +24 – Number one and still boring.

2.) Broncos +1 – Poor Peyton. The NFL has been so unfair to him with their mean scheduling – like the season opener in Denver against the Super Bowl champion Ravens. Thanks Papa.     

3.) Cowboys +3 – Dallas at San Diego. Who would have thought that this would be THE defining moment for both of these teams?

4.) Chiefs -1 – Surgeons are fashioning a fire hose into a lap-band for Andy Reid.

5.) Bears -1 – It’s just about time for VaJayJay to take a big dive. Detroit should be just about the right place. 

6.) Bengals -1 – The NFL will be broadcasting a test pattern during breaks in the Cincinnati/Cleveland game since no one would buy advertising. 

7.) Falcons +14 – Who cares.

8.) 69ers -6 – Man, it sucks when other teams have all of that tape to look at after your rookie year, doesn’t it? Not that an underperforming defense gets a pass.

9.) Texans -5 – Welcome back to mediocrity. Your table is right this way, Mr. Schaub.   

10.) Dolphins +9 – If the Saints don’t obliterate Tannehomo and the tuna fish, I’m calling out of work Tuesday.

11.) Patriots -4 – The Falcons should easily mop the floor with these Pukes – Gronk or no Gronk.

12.) Saints -1 – 3-0 and no one talks about them. Are they the Bills now? 

13.) Redskins +2 – Let’s hope they can beat the Raiders. Otherwise we will have to refer to him as RG0-4, and it just doesn’t ‘pop’ the way “RG1-3” does.

14.) Packers +1 This guy I work with is a big religious fanatic and also a Packers fan (for reasons unknown). I’ll bet he has a fantasy where the Pope comes out to do Easter Mass with one of those stupid cheese hats on and then gives the “Discount Double-check”  

15.) Chargers +9 – Who would have thought the San Diego/Dallas game would be so damn interesting all of the sudden. 

16.) Rams -4 – Sam Bradford’s career is over. 

17.) Cardinals +1 – Arizona at Tampa Bay? Almost as exciting as Buffalo at Cleveland. 

18.) Ravens +1 – Look for some team records to be broken on Sunday as the Ravens humiliate what’s left of the Buffalo Bills.

19.) Lions +1 – Donkey Kong Suh. 

20.) Colts +1 – Agape.  

21.) Eagles +1 Things won’t get much better for “Chippy” and the dog killers this week in Denver.    

22.) Jets +1 – Sanchez still out with a torn Labia, but Smith throwing approximately the same percentage of interceptions so as not to disappoint.  

23.) Panthers +2 –Boring.

24.) Steelers +2 – If the bloody Steelers don’t skive on Sunday, Big Ben might look to tickle his bell-end in a pub, governor!

25.) Giants -11 – OK Mr. Coughlin, no one is laughing at your impression of the Buffalo Bills. No one except me. I’m actually laughing a lot.

26.) Vikings +1 – The Vikings should ponder getting a new quarterback. Sam Bradford will be available soon.  

27.) Raiders +1 – I would rather slam my testicles in the car door than watch the Raiders play on Sunday. 

28.) Buccaneers +1 – What rhymes with “Posh Preeman Pot Penched Per Pike Plennon”?

29.) Titans +1 – I would not have guessed the Titans/Jets game to be one worth watching this week.

30.) Bills -13 – Hopelessness. Marrone has failed. Players have not “bought in”. Mario Williams is a bum. Manuel is a second string QB. The team is all beat up from injuries because they are not conditioned. The Marrone/Manuel regime will set the organization back another 4 years – minimum.  

31.) Browns -15 – Mexican-Americans continue to protest the team’s name through Hispanic Heritage Month.

32.) Jaguars NC Can they win a game this year? 

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