Friday, September 13, 2013

Week 2 Stink Rankings

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter

[Editor's Note: Tim the Dis-Enchanter is a life long Buffalo Bills fan. In the late 90's, Tim had all of his blood replaced with venom so he could properly display his feelings. The result is the following]

The following may be found highly offensive. Do not consume the Stink Rankings if you are easily offended, have any sense of morality, are pregnant or may become pregnant. The views expressed below are that of a deeply bitter man and in no way reflect those of The Sports Narrative, any of its members or anyone with a conscience.

Side effects of viewing the Stink Rankings may include nausea, complete loss of bladder control, unfortunate but humorous flatulence and death. If any of these symptoms occur, immediately retweet this to all of your friends, co-workers and enemies. Misery loves company!


Week Two Stink Rankings
There was no week one ranking. It’s because I would rather become a chronic bed-wetter than watch anything that happens in preseason.

1.) Cowboys – The reason the Cowboys have sucked for all these years is because Tony Romo hasn’t been getting paid enough money?
2.) 69ers – Is this the year the Niners finally change their logo to match their Stink Ranking alias? 
3.) Broncos – When John Elway retired, Broncos fans thought they would never find another horse-toothed jackass to play quarterback.   
4.) Texans – I still remember that drunken fan screaming during the entire game and ruining my time in otherwise perfect seats. I hope they find child pornography on his computer at work. 
5.) Eagles Anyone who has ever visited Philadelphia knows what a s#@!-hole it is. I’d rather live in Chechnya. 
6.) Giants – “Eli”. That sounds like the name of the creepy uncle who came to visit and tried to molest John Boy on a little-known episode of The Waltons. Old Uncle Eli from Philadelphia.
7.) Patriots – “Amendola” means vagina in Italian.
8.) Bears – Vajayjay Cu*tler. 
9.) Bengals – Two players arrested and suspended by October. You heard it here first.
10.) Packers They should spray paint the word “challenged” on the sides of all those Styrofoam cheese hats as a mandatory condition for all future sales.
11.) Saints – It seems sacrilegious to have a Saint as a mascot. Until the Lions change their name to the Detroit Imams, the injustice will continue. 
12.) Rams – Boring.
13.) Cardinals – How long before Carson Palmer ends up in Buffalo?
14.) Ravens – Is it really that absence of Ray “I murdered two people” Lewis that allowed John Schnatter to throw 7 touchdowns? 
15.) Redskins – Hey what rhymes with “I-N-T”? Answer: R-G-3
16.) Browns – I’m going to be taking the Browns to the Super Bowl myself when I finish this list.

17.) Chiefs When Andy Reed goes camping, the bears hide THEIR food.
18.) Colts – I was mowing the lawn last week and I saw bees coming out of the dryer vent. I was reminded of Andrew Luck’s gaping hole-of-a mouth. I just stood there while the mower wailed for an uncomfortable 30 minutes.  
19.) Dolphins – Dan Marino should buy a 1980’s Firebird and name it “KITT”
20.) Vikings – ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
21.) Falcons – Is that Tammy Gonzalez chick with the girlish complexion coming back to play for the Falcons again this year? 
22.) Jets – Sanchize!
23.) Lions – I thought it would be week 5 before Donkey Kong Suh attempted to injure someone on national TV again. Well, the man upstairs knows what happened. Isn’t that what really matters?  
24.) Raiders – The detainees in Guantanamo Bay were made to watch Raiders games and that’s how we got Bin Laden. Word has it they gave him up before halftime.
25.) Seahawks – Marshawn Lynch is Robert Griffin’s twin brother.
26.) Buccaneers – Tampon Bay. I remember going to the beach when I was a kid and it was thoroughly littered with cigarette butts and those plastic tampon casings. It always struck me as odd that there were that many menstruating women at the beach. Especially when I was swimming.  
27.) Panthers – So is it North & South Carolina combined? Why is it just “Carolina”? There is no “Carolina”. Are we to presume that this team represents TWO states? When they don’t sell out the stadium, are games in BOTH states blacked out?     
28.) Steelers – A nun walks into a nightclub restroom with a football and a zucchini…
29.) Titans – Because Tennesseein’ is Tennebelievin’.
30.) Bills – One game into the season and the Bills lose the home opener against their biggest rival with 9 seconds left in the game. They are 0 – 1 in the division, they are in last place in the division. Same old Bills. 
31.) Chargers –24 unanswered points? 21 point lead squandered? Phillip Rivers, are you auditioning for Buffalo? 
32.) Jaguars How many people in Jacksonville are saying “This is our year baby”?

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