Sunday, September 22, 2013

Week 3 Stink Rankings

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter

[Editor's Note: Tim the Dis-Enchanter is a life long Buffalo Bills fan. In the late 90's, Tim had all of his blood replaced with venom so he could properly display his feelings. The result is the following]

 The following may be found highly offensive. Do not consume the Stink Rankings if you are easily offended, have any sense of morality, are pregnant or may become pregnant. The views expressed below are that of a deeply bitter man and in no way reflect those of The Sports Narrative, any of its members or anyone with a conscience.

Side effects of viewing the Stink Rankings may include nausea, complete loss of bladder control, unfortunate but humorous flatulence and death. If any of these symptoms occur, immediately retweet this to all of your friends, co-workers and enemies. Misery loves company!


Week Three Stink Rankings

1.) Seahawks +24 – The S#%thawks don’t appear to have lost a step since last year.
2.) Broncos +1 – So the pizza guy who drives a Camaro is infatuated with Peyton Manning? I’ll bet Papa used to spend a lot of time hanging around gymnasiums.    
3.) Chiefs +14 – .When the Chiefs win they dump gravy on Andy Reid instead of Gatorade.
4.) Bears +4 – VaJayJay and “Da Bairce” should coast to 3-0 this Sunday in $#ittsburgh.
5.) Bengals +4 – The Bungles pull upset of the week as they shock the world and (Meat)Packers. 
6.) Cowboys -5 – Girl Scout Troop 17 played offensive line for the Chefs and the Cowboys still cough one up. Yikes.
7.) Falcons +14 – Who cares.
8.) 69ers -6 – The Stinkhawks made your overrated defense look like the mediocre lot that they are. Yes, overrated.

9.) Texans -5 – JJ Watt is neck-and-neck with Phillip Rivers in the “NFL Douchebag of the season” contest held annually by the Stink Rankings. 
10.) Dolphins +9 – The Falcons will remind us that the Dolphins are a mediocre sub-500 team this Sunday.
11.) Patriots -4 – If the Pukeriots choke on Josh Freeman’s CENSORED this Sunday, the clouds will part, a little beam of sunshine will come through, birds will begin singing, and I will laugh until I pee in my pants.
12.) Saints -1 – Who Dey? Who gives a shizzle. 
13.) Redskins +2 – Hey what rhymes with 0-3? - RG3.
14.) Giants -8 – I remain thoroughly unimpressed with the Giants after the battle of the gaping mouth-holes last week. In addition, “Eli” and “Peyton” sound like the names of goats on a farm.  
15.) Packers -5 Enough with the discount double-check commercials. There was nothing funny about that fat cretin on the wing of a plane. Seriously, knock it off. 
16.) Rams -4 – Rams defeat the Cowboys 34-28. You heard it here first.

17.) Bills +13 – Hazmat teams have just finished washing Cam Newton’s blood and urine out of the turf at Ralph Wilson Stadium.
18.) Cardinals +5 – ‘Carson Palmer’ sounds more like the name of a CPA than a quarterback. 
19.) Ravens -5 – Boring.
20.) Lions +3 – Look for more genocide against Native Americans after Donkey Kong Suh commits another blatant foul against the Redskins.
21.) Colts -3 – In Star Wars, when the Millenium Falcon came shooting out of the Death Star, the camera should have zoomed out to reveal that it was actually flying out of Andrew Luck’s mouth.  
22.) Eagles -17 Somewhere in Killadelphia there is a rail being made for Chip to ride on as he is escorted out of town.    
23.) Jets – 1 – Rex Ryan fired by week 8. 
24.) Chargers +7 – Nice bounce back win after that embarrassing loss following a 24 point lead against the Texans. Phillip Rivers should now focus on trying to bounce back from being a huge douche bag.

25.) Panthers +2 – You have a HUGE quarterback who can obliterate defenses by scrambling and taking off downfield. Is there some reason he’s been relegated to pocket-passing only?
26.) Steelers -2 – Winlessberger
27.) Vikings -7 – Still ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
28.) Raiders - 4 –The Raiders look to bounce back this Sunday in a huge emotional win over the Broncos. Yes, I’m being sarcastic. 
29.) Buccaneers -3 – Josh Freeman ate all of Greg Schiano’s ice cream this week, so Schiano taped a “kick me” sign to Freeman’s back. Grow up you two A-holes.
30.) Titans -1 – The Flaming Thumbtacks.
31.) Browns -15 – The Browns are going to be awesome now that they’ve jettisoned that useless slacker Trent Richardson after 2 games this year. Brilliant.
32.) Jaguars NC So far Borat has done a terrible job rebuilding the Jaguars.

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