Sunday, November 11, 2012

Week Ten Stink Rankings

Week Ten Stink Rankings

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter 

In lieu of the usual demeaning commentary, I thought I’d share some reflections on the Bills vs. Texans game from last Sunday since I was fortunate enough to see it up close and personal.

 There we were in a King Privacy room on the 26th floor of the Hyatt Regency in downtown Houston. The city was beautiful and to my amazement, dwarfed the DFW Metroplex in size. We didn’t go to the game at Reliant Stadium under any illusions that the Bills would defeat the mighty Texans, but from our seats on the 45 yard line in the front row, we were excited to be so close to my home team. Honestly, the Bills played well. Fitzpatrick did not turn the ball over until garbage time in the last 2 minutes out of desperation. Spiller and Jackson did not see many touches, but with man-to-man match-ups on the wide-outs, I expected to see the Bills throw the ball the majority of the time. In a nutshell: not finishing drives put the game out of reach. The Bills were in the Red Zone at least 4 times and came away with 3 field goals for 9 points. The Texans were in the Red Zone 4 times and came away with 3 touchdowns for 21 points. End of story. I might have gone for it on 4th and 1 from the 2 yard line if I were Chan, since the season is on the line and you are playing the number one team in the AFC on the road, but otherwise I did not see too much that displeased me. As usual, the Defense was good for about 3 quarters before coughing up big plays. Incidentally, Aaron Williams single-handedly cost the Bills every single one of those big plays. He was terrible – no – he was abysmal. I know that technically this is his ‘rookie’ season since he was out on injury all of last year, but come on – Williams should be getting the hang of it by now.

 Well, there were certainly no surprises from the Bills last Sunday. – Unless, of course, you count Mario Williams getting a sack and playing generally well for 60 minutes. There was one surprise in Reliant Stadium last Sunday other than Mario Williams, and that was the Texans fans. What a bunch of rude braggart assholes. We were constantly taunted in the stadium and it very nearly ruined the entire experience for us. The Cowboys fans were urbane and cordial compared to these obnoxious drunken pricks. In particular, there was one loud mouth fan that I would like to address.

 You were sitting in Section 128; right around the 7th or 8th row and just about in seat number 10 or so. I have no idea who you are, but at least 3 entire sections were wishing that you would die by Halftime. We listened to your vulgar, taunting screams and jeers at the Bills players and fans around you for the entire 60 minutes of the game. Not one single time did I hear you cheer for the Texans. You found it far more gratifying to scream obscenities at opposing team’s players and fans as you slowly pickled in Bud Lite. Thanks for ruining the experience you piece of dog sh*t. Every time the police officers walked by on the sidelines, I was fantasizing that they would pull out one of those old-school tasers (you know, the ones that fire the two piercing contacts into your skin) and shoot you right in the face. In my elaborate fantasy, one contact would shoot right into the meat of your eyeball, and the other contact would punch through the greenish toned skin of your cheek and sink deep into the flesh of your tongue. With both contacts set, the officer could then send a million volts into your face, cooking your eyeball like a hard-boiled egg while your mustache burst into flames and you shit your pants. For the rest of your life you’d have to walk around blind in one eye, and with a pronounced speech impediment from the nerve damage in your tongue. When anyone asked you what in the hell happened, you would reply, “I wuth an athole at a Thexans game and thum cop tathed my fathe.” Believe me, I understand why you felt so empowered to behave the way you did; there were 80,000 other people who had your back. A markedly different scenario than when you’re at work and someone says, “Hey a**hole break’s over -now let’s get the rest of this furniture in the truck!” and you have to force a smile and bite your tongue as you butt out your cigarette and go back for the rest of the dining room table. You see, I totally understand why you hate the world. It’s just a shame that you had to ruin the game-day experience for other people while you poured that rage out on the Bills players and fans. You were a black eye on an otherwise beautiful city. I can only hope that maybe someday you will either come to see what a selfish cocksucker you are, or else fall asleep with a lit cigarette. Either way, I’ll be rooting against the Texans for the rest of the season. Thank you. Now here's this week's rankings:

 1.) Giants NC


2.) Bears á2


3.) Packers â1  


4.) Texans â1


5.) Falcons á1   


6.) 69ers á1


7.) Patriots á1


8.) Seahawks  á1  


9.) Broncos â4


10.) Steelers á3


11.) Ravens  á1  


12.) Dolphins â2


13.) Redskins â2


14.) Jets â1


15.) Lions á1


16.) Vikings á2


17.) Cowboys â3  


18.) Buccaneers á1  


19.) Saints á6


20.) Cardinals NC


21.) Panthers á2


22.) Rams â1


23.) Bengals â1  


24.) Eagles â7


25.) Colts á2


26.) Chargers â2


27.) Raiders â1


28.) Titans NC


29.) Bills NC


30.) Browns NC


31.) Jaguars NC


32.) Chiefs NC


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