Week Twelve Stink Rankings
by Tim the Dis-Enchanter
1.) Patriots +8 They have once again cheated their way to the top. You cannot play that tightly without inside information – it’s as if they’re inside the huddle. The Patriots are a very good team who also cheat.
2.) Texans +2 On the one hand, I see another lackluster win that should have come easy. On the other, I see another gritty “Git-R-Done” overtime win. They really aren’t that good, but they are winning games thanks to stupid mistakes by their opponents.
3.) 69ers +5 Copernicus should immediately replace Smith at QB.
4.) Falcons NC Matty Yikes’ face is looking more and more like that of a wax statue with that absurdly orange fake tan.
5.) Bears -4 Cu*tler’s return will answer the questions raised about Da Bears after that embarrassing loss to Copernicus and the 69ers.
6.) Packers -2 Aaron Rodgers moves ahead of Philip Rivers this week in the “Douchiest Quarterbacks of all time” list. Yes, “douchiest” is a word. It’s a word because I said so, and I have granted myself authority to create words since 1986.
7.) Ravens -2 The Ravens are definitely in the top 5 teams who can guarantee a boring game. I nominate them for the #2 spot behind the Browns.
8.) Redskins +5 Mr. Griffin is a winner. He shows great poise and he is leading the Redskins to the Playoffs.
9.) Giants -3 The G-men had better get it together fast after choking in Pittsburgh and Cincinnati.
10.) Saints +1 Saints/69ers tomorrow should be the game of the week. I’m sure CBS will air the Titans/Jaguars instead. They’ll do this because they are a**holes. And now you know.
11.) Broncos -4 The sickening alliance between egocentric meat-head Manning and “14 cent-per-pizza-apocalypse” John Schnatter continues to ferment. Soon they will announce their plan to run for President and VP in 2016. Thanks Papa.
12.) Seahawks -2 Boring.
13.) Steelers NC Douchelessbagger.
14.) Lions +5 Donkey Kong Sue kicked Matt Schaub in the balls on national TV on Thanksgiving. God bless America, my home sweet home.
15.) Dolphins -1 Reggie Bush is poised for another 20 yard rushing day in Seattle.
16.) Vikings NC Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.
17.) Buccaneers NC Bucs beat the Falcons tomorrow in a shocker upset.
18.) Rams NC The Rams should scoop up a nice road victory tomorrow against the Cardinals.
19.) Bills +4 The Bills need to watch out for that black hole that orbits Andrew Luck’s face that he refers to as a “mouth”. If you get too close to it, you can be drawn into its inescapable gravitational pull and condensed into a singularity. If mucus and sweat are running into it before halftime, the Bills could have a long day in Indy.
20.) Cardinals NC Los pinche Cardinalos esta el stinko!
21.) Panthers NC – Irrelevant. Newton is the poster boy for the spoiled, entitled, and narcissistic youth of today.
22.) Cowboys -10 Dear Jerry, Keeping Tony Romo around is further evidence of your utter incompetence as a General Manager. PS: Dez is not “all that and a bag of chips” either. More like a half eaten sandwich plucked from a dumpster and covered with ants, without any chips.
23.) Bengals +1 It is annoying having to think of something to say about teams like the Bengals week in and week out. Next week the Stink Rankings may only include 31 teams.
24.) Jets -2 Nice face-plant into the meaty ass of your Offensive Lineman, Sanchez. “We’re gonna incorporate Tebow into the offense”, “We’re not gonna use Tebow”, “We’re gonna incorporate Tebow into the offense”, “We’re not gonna use Tebow”. Gee, what has gone so awry in New York? Hmmm... why, whatever could it be? Hmmm…
25.) Eagles NC The story of the Eagle’s season: “NC”. How has it all gone so terribly wrong?
26.) Colts NC Andrew Luck’s mouth is like a Chinese restaurant on Christmas: Guaranteed to be open.
27.) Chargers NC Hey Rivers, where is your god now?
28.) Raiders NC I just got a headache thinking about the Raiders.
29.) Browns +1 Browns pull off a shocker and defeat Pittsburgh tomorrow. Make sure you tell all of your buddies that you heard it first on America’s most trusted source for football insight: The Stink Rankings.
30.) Titans -1 The Titans officially change their name to the Tennessee Drooling Idiots next year.
31.) Jaguars NC Way to choke in Houston, Chokuars.
32.) Chiefs NC The team should disband, the stadium should be bull-dozed, and all evidence of a team called “the Chiefs” should be eliminated. Let us never speak of this again.