Week Nine Stink Rankings
by Tim the Dis-Enchanter
1.) Giants NC – Great teams win big division games when they need to. The Cowboys are better than their record and the Giants still beat them in a gritty win.
2.) Packers NC - I sold my touchdown dance to an insurance company; the one thing that was truly my own, was, in fact for sale.
3.) Texans á1 – They are a decent team, but will be hard-pressed to pull out a tough win against the surging, powerful, score-machine Bills.
4.) Bears â1 – It’s about time for Cu*tler to take the annual nose-dive.
5.) Broncos NC – Thanks Papa.
6.) Falcons NC – It’s time for the Falcons to lose a game. Every week I keep saying that they aren’t that good, yet they keep winning. Lose, damn it.
7.) 69ers NC – The overrated Defense has sprung a couple of leaks. – Still great, but not unbeatable.
8.) Patriots á1 – I bought a Tom Brady jersey that I use to clean out my cat’s litter box.
9.) Seahawks â1 – Wild Card; one and done. You heard it here first.
10.) Dolphins á3 – I hate to admit that they are for real, but they look pretty good.
11.) Redskins â2 – His name is Robert Griffin III, not “RG3”. Are we a nation of seven year-olds?
12.) Ravens â1 – Two people are dead and Ray Lewis is a star. He should be sneaking shanks out of the wood shop for cigarettes.
13.) Steelers á1 – and the award for the stupidest looking throw-back uniforms goes to…
14.) Cowboys á1 – How many seasons do Cowboys fans keep wondering whether or not “it’s Romo”? Still, they move up one spot for hanging in there against the Giants.
15.) Jets â3 – They’ve fallen and they can’t get up. Tim Turbo to the rescue! Which will happen first – Tebow gets laid, or the Jets go to the Superbowl?
16.) Lions á2 – The Lions on Thanksgiving AGAIN. Time for a new commissioner. If it weren’t for Detroit playing on Thanksgiving, no one would volunteer to work all day at the homeless shelters.
17.) Eagles â1 – Yo! Vick gives you the best chance to win. Who thought we’d be hearing a Quarterback controversy out of Filthadelphia halfway through the season.
18.) Vikings â1 – Thanks for getting mauled by Tampon Bay, Minnesota. I’ll never pick you to win again
19.) Buccaneers á3 – Tampon Bay
20.) Cardinals â1 – Yes, an Offensive line comes in handy from time to time.
21.) Rams â1 – 45 – 7 loss to the Pukeriots? Bill Belichick is obviously cheating again. I heard that he makes Welker, Edelman, and Danny Dickhead wear orange make-up and striped shirts like Oompa-Loompas when they lose. Weird.
22.) Bengals â1 – Yawn….
23.) Panthers NC – Panthers? Isn’t there some other game on? No? How about Barney Miller re-runs?
24.) Chargers á1 – They whipped the Browns and Chiefs because they are awesome. Just like Buffalo.
25.) Saints â1 – Who in the hell are Dey? Certainly not all dat!
26.) Raiders á5 – Who cares.
27.) Colts á1 – What a disgusting snot and saliva filled tooth-pit that Quarterback has in the middle of his face. Close your freaking mouth, would you?
28.) Titans á1 – The Flaming Thumbtacks.
29.) Bills á1 – Poised to move up after they crush the Texans on Sunday in a “freak deal” game.
30.) Browns â4 – Something stinks in Believeland. Its first name is Mike and its last name is Holmgren. It looks like a walrus and has a swimming pool full of applesauce.
31.) Jaguars á1 – Wonder-Twin powers ACTIVATE! Form of a struggling NFL franchise. Shape of a Losing Record.
32.) Chiefs â5 – If they keep playing the way they are, I will interview for the Chief’s Head Coaching position next year.