Sunday, December 29, 2013

Week 17 Stink Rankings

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter

[Editor's Note: Tim the Dis-Enchanter is a life long Buffalo Bills fan. In the late 90's, Tim had all of his blood replaced with venom so he could properly display his feelings. The result is the following]

The following may be found highly offensive. Do not consume the Stink Rankings if you are easily offended, have any sense of morality, are pregnant or may become pregnant. The views expressed below are that of a deeply bitter man and in no way reflect those of The Sports Narrative, any of its members or anyone with a conscience.

Side effects of viewing the Stink Rankings may include nausea, complete loss of bladder control, unfortunate but humorous flatulence and death. If any of these symptoms occur, immediately retweet this to all of your friends, co-workers and enemies. Misery loves company!



Week Seventeen Stink Rankings





1.) Seahawks NC  –  From Week 16 SR: “The Seahawks are a superbly coached team of average talent. It won’t be enough to beat Arizona on Sunday.” Look, I cheer for the stupid Bills all year ok? I’ll damn well brag a little about my gutsy calls when I can.   

2.) Patriots NC – I remember watching an interview with Tom Brady. Tom comments about being overlooked until the 6th round of the NFL draft and cries like a bitch. Here’s the link:,0,6718532.htmlstory. This ass-bag has the nerve to cry like a spoiled baby about not being drafted higher – and to “thank god” that he doesn’t have to ever work for a living? This after 3 Super Bowl victories **all acquired with the use of illegal video-taping. Some people have it awful, don’t they? Official Lombardi trophy count since “Spygate”: Zero.



3.) Broncos NC – Next commercial in the series: ‘Papa’ walks into the pizza kitchen hollering for Peyton. Peyton’s voice is heard from another room saying, “I’ll be right there Papa.” Suddenly Chris Hansen from “To Catch a Predator” walks in and says, “Hey there, Papa. Why don’t you have a seat; although you’re free to walk right out that door at any time.” After some uncomfortable moments of Hansen reviewing an internet chat log of inappropriate remarks about sausages and ‘tight ends’, and he’ll say, “Papa, I see you brought a six pack and a pepperoni stick with you.” Papa darts out the door and gets tackled by some redneck police department thugs and is walked off in handcuffs as Peyton sticks his goofy head out the door and yells, “Thanks Papa.”       



4.) Cardinals +7 – Can they beat the 69ers this Sunday? Methinks so.  

5.) Panthers -1 – Nice beating you handed the Saints last Sunday. It’s nice to see how average the Saints look when they’re without the services of the poopin’ dome and 76,000 screaming idiots who sound like they all just had dental surgery (and ironically could probably use it).    


6.) Chiefs -1 – In an effort to slim down for the Playoffs, Andy Reid has agreed to cut down on the gravy smoothies and butter sandwiches. 

7.) Eagles +3 Rush Limbaugh takes his team into Dallas this Sunday. Tony Romo is out with a back injury, so at least Dallas has a chance now. The last time Monte Kiffin coached a winning defense was during Prohibition.    

8.) Colts -1 – The Colts are in the Playoffs. Instead of the team running out of the stadium tunnel before games, they will be running out of Andrew Luck’s gigantic black hole of a mouth. Fireworks will shoot out of it as the players emerge, and then the Budweiser Clydesdales will pull retired space shuttle Discovery out before Luck closes it and smiles with his luxury automobile-sized teeth.        

9.) Bears -1 – Cu_tler should make mince-meat out of the ass-packers this Sunday. It will be especially gratifying since Packer fans think they have a shot with egomaniacal douchebag Rodgers back at quarterback. Cu_tler.   

10.) 69ers -1 – Who even cares anymore?

11.) Saints -5 – What do the Saints have in common with Tiger Woods? Neither one can be counted on when they’re away from home. 


12.) Bengals NC – I would rather use an eye dropper filled with Drano than watch the Bungles play the Ravens this Sunday.       


13.) Ravens NC – It would be easier to find the white suit that Ray Lewis wore to the Super Bowl party on the night of the double homicide that he says he “lost” than it would be to narrow down a single reason why the Ravens suck so bad.         


14.) Falcons NC – Who cares.


15.) Lions NC – Donkey Kong Suh is going to the Pro Bowl. It seems the Pro Bowl selection list was confused with the “dirtiest player” list.


16.) Cowboys NC – From now on, Dallas should be referred to as “Jonestown” or “The Jerry’s Temple Sports Project”. Enjoy the Kool-Aid.   


17.) Titans NC – The NFL should fine and suspend Tennessee coach Mike Munchak for producing such an unentertaining product this year.    



18.) Rams NC – Three things to watch this Sunday in the Rams/Seahawks match-up: 1.)Anything else, 2.)Paint drying, 3.)A TV test pattern.    


19.) Dolphins +1 – Last week they were in the lead for a Wildcard playoff spot; then they laid an egg in Buffalo. Better luck next year. F you Dan Marino.


20.) Chargers +1 – A decade of losing with Philip Rivers. 11th time is a charm?  


21.) Packers +5 – OK here is the next commercial in the State Farm/Aaron Rodgers series: Air marshals have Rodgers pinned to the floor of the aisle in the jet. The two Chicago Bears fans are squatting over the top of him, pants dropped, fat asses swinging while tea-bagging Rodgers across the face with their old Chicago ball bags as they are saying “DAAAA-ble Check… DAAAA-ble Check…”. Then, as usual, at the end the Cheese-head moron says “RODGERS! I got a brat for ya!” Because, why do anything halfway? 

22.) Redskins NC – RG3-12.

23.) Browns +1 – The Cleveland Brown-Stains take on Rapistberger and company this Sunday. It would be nice to see the Stains knock them out of playoff contention. Cleveland fans should bring lengths of toilet paper with smears on them to counter the Pittsburgh “terrible towel”. Let’s start a new trend.

24.) Steelers +1 – I’d like to see S#$%sburgh miss the playoffs this year, but not participating in the playoffs would only create more party time for Benny. If they loses, all of the bars in the city will close as a counter-measure.


25.) Jets +1 – The Jets have no players going to the Pro Bowl, yet ironically, are responsible for sending many players from other teams.


26.) Buccaneers +4 – At the risk of being confused with that awful red-headed comedian, Buccaneers quarterback Mike Glennon shall henceforth be referred to as “Parrot Top”.


27.) Vikings NC – Adrian Peterson is going to the Pro Bowl. Apparently there is a selection category for impregnating the most strippers in a single season.   


28.) Bills +4 – The Bills have a shot at pulling off the unthinkable in New England on Sunday with Thad Lewis at quarterback. The sun may be more likely to rise in the west, but it’s a chance.

29.) Giants -1 – Mercifully, we only have to watch “mouth breather Eli” and the New York Grunts one more time this season.


30.) Raiders -1 – Oakland, California: Where it’s Halloween 8 Sundays each year. Why is it that the stadium looks like a pool of casting rejects from the movie “Road Warrior”?


31.) Texans -7 – As I reflect on the Texan’s garbage season and 2-13 record, I am reminded of their rude, obnoxious, A-hole fans. How does it feel to have pissed 2K away on season tickets in a year when the Buffalo Bills have won 3 times as many games as you have? Yeah, who’s the sorry loser now?



32.) Jaguars -1 A merciful Ending


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