Friday, December 6, 2013

Week 14 Stink Rankings

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter

[Editor's Note: Tim the Dis-Enchanter is a life long Buffalo Bills fan. In the late 90's, Tim had all of his blood replaced with venom so he could properly display his feelings. The result is the following]

The following may be found highly offensive. Do not consume the Stink Rankings if you are easily offended, have any sense of morality, are pregnant or may become pregnant. The views expressed below are that of a deeply bitter man and in no way reflect those of The Sports Narrative, any of its members or anyone with a conscience.

Side effects of viewing the Stink Rankings may include nausea, complete loss of bladder control, unfortunate but humorous flatulence and death. If any of these symptoms occur, immediately retweet this to all of your friends, co-workers and enemies. Misery loves company!

Week Fourteen Stink Rankings

“I'm comin' down with the new style and you know it's buck wild”

1.) Seahawks +3 – And just as the Saints blew when they played you at home, so too will you blow when you play on the road.  

2.) Patriots +5 – I was ready to start believing in a god, but then the Texans weren’t able to hold on to the lead and win. Official Lombardi trophy count since “Spygate”: Zero.

3.) Broncos -1 – If you’re going to be a brain-dead moron and make 96 million throwing a leather ball and hocking pizzas with some closet homosexual (not really) nicknamed “Papa”, then you’re doing too little for too much. I propose that from now on if that’s what you want, then you must be euthanized at the age of 30 – it’s only fair – you’ve consumed too many resources for too little in return. After you are put down, we’ll just take the leftover money and let the next douchebag du jour spend it until they turn 30.       

4.) Saints -1 – What a disaster in Seattle. Still, the S@#$hawks aren’t nearly as good as John Gruden’s constant gushing would seem to imply.

5.) Panthers +6 – Hard to believe the Panthers are 9-3. Even harder to believe that Buffalo is responsible for one of those losses.  

6.) Chiefs -5 – The Chiefs choked again against the Broncos. Fortunately, Andy Reid has a lot of experience dealing with choking, as it is an inevitable consequence of eating your meals with a pitch-fork.

7.) Bengals -1 – I enjoy watching Carrot Top much more now that he plays quarterback for the Bengals.      

8.) Colts -3 – It appears as though Yuck Mouth has hit his sophomore slump. Maybe it’s time to shave that crappy neck beard that frames that perpetually-open abyss that you call a mouth.   

9.) Bears -1 – How many more games is Cu_tler going to sit out with his high ankle sprain? It’s a sprain ok? Tape it up and shoot your leg up with pain killers, Cu_tler. You’re going to be playing the Cowboys, so it’s not likely that you’ll need to be doing much scrambling with Monte Burns running the defense. “Exxxcellent…”  

10.) 69ers -1 – How about the “San Francisco Rainbows”? – OR the “San Francisco Pride”? Let’s make sure the mascot reflects the feel of the city. Oh, I just realized how creepy “feel of the city” sounded in this context. OH MY!      

11.) Cowboys +5 – Squeaking past the hapless Raiders late in the 4th quarter should not inspire a lot of confidence in fans. Still, a win is a win.

12.) Eagles NC The Eagles have been doing better ever since Rush Limbaugh started wearing a visor and became their head coach. 

13.) Cardinals NC – Boring.   

14.) Ravens +5 – I would rather listen to one of those Baptist radio station preachers than watch a Ravens game.   

15.) Falcons -1 – Christmas came early for the Falcons in Toronto this year with two gifts in a row at the end of the game against the chokers.  

16.) Lions -1 – Ten Thanksgivings in a row the Lions lose EVERY time and put on a sleeper. This year they finally win one, and it’s even more boring than any of the losses. I propose that the NFL make a rule that Detroit is never allowed to play on Thanksgiving. Or anytime else.

17.) Titans +3 – Fitzmagic!  

18.) Rams +3 – Boring.  

19.) Giants +3 – I don’t know how many more Giants games I can watch with Eli’s stupid mouth hanging open all afternoon. Someone should crazy glue his teeth shut the next time he’s asleep.

20.) Dolphins +3 – “Hey, wassup, you [expletive] [expletive] piece of [expletive] . . . I saw you on Twitter, you been training ten weeks. [I want to] [expletive] in your [expletive] mouth. [I'm going to] slap your [expletive] mouth. [I'm going to] slap your real mother across the face (laughter). [Expletive] you, you’re still a rookie. I’ll kill you.”. BFFs?

21.) Chargers +3 – The Chargers should sign Philip Rivers to another nine year deal. Just keep doing what you’re doing San Diego management. I’m sure you’ll get different results.  

22.) Redskins -12 – RG3-9. 

23.) Jets -6 – Rex Ryan is going to start Geno Smith against the Raiders this Sunday. Maybe the team should just go ahead and make him head coach.

24.) Browns -1 – Irrelevant.

25.) Texans +2 –  Gary Kubiak’s job might have been saved, had the Texans held on against the Pukeriots last Sunday. He’ll soon be out of a job. He seems like the kind of guy who could be the local bar owner in some small town. “Old Fasioned?”, he would yell out when you strolled in after a long day. He would be like Ted Danson’s washed-up sports star character from “Cheers”. Andy Reid could be Cliff Claven.  

26.) Packers -8 Thanks for putting me to sleep on Thanksgiving Day. Matt Flynn shouldn’t even be on the field during time-outs with the GD Gatorade; that is to say he sucks.

27.) Vikings +1 – The Minnesota Vikings broke ground for a new stadium last week. When I first saw the old men in suits with shovels full of dirt, I had hoped it was the mafia burying the players in some remote corner of Nevada. Then I remembered Vikings use boats . . .

28.) Raiders +1 – Raiders at Jets Sunday. Oh THAT’S why Rex Ryan is starting Geno Smith. Sounds like a real barn-burner – (meaning that people would rather burn themselves to death in some old barn than watch it).   

29.) Steelers +1 – Tomlin was fined $100,000 for standing on the field during a kick return by the Ravens. A better punishment would be to put Tomlin in a cheerleader outfit, give Roethlisberger a 12-pack of Old Milwaukee and throw them both into the showers together and let inevitability take over.

30.) Buccaneers +1 – From now on, Mike Glennon shall be referred to as “Parrot Face”. Polly want a touchdown? 

31.) Jaguars +1 –The Jax-off-sonville Jaguars are only ruining their high draft pick by winning games now.

32.) Bills -6 – When Ralph Wilson is done mummifying, the team should move to Toronto where mayor Rob Ford can be the new owner and sell crack during halftime. 

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