[Editor's Note: Tim the Dis-Enchanter is a life long Buffalo Bills fan. In the late 90's, Tim had all of his blood replaced with venom so he could properly display his feelings. The result is the following]
Side effects of viewing the Stink Rankings may include nausea, complete loss of bladder control, unfortunate but humorous flatulence and death. If any of these symptoms occur, immediately retweet this to all of your friends, co-workers and enemies. Misery loves company!
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!
Week Sixteen Stink Rankings
2.) Patriots NC – A loss to the Dolphins at home in Gillette
Stadium? Methinks ye olde Pukeriots arte likely be one and done in the
playoffs. Official Lombardi trophy count since “Spygate”: Zero.
3.) Broncos NC – Chargers 29; Broncos 20. Oh how the mighty
have fallen. Thanks Papa.
4.) Panthers +1 – Carolina Shmarolina. Let’s not forget that
the A-hole Bills beat them.
5.) Chiefs +1 –
Somewhere in Kansas City Andy Reid is stuck in a chimney.
6.) Saints -2 – If the Saints could play on the road half as
good as they play in the poop dome, they’d have a pretty tough team.
7.) Colts +1 – Yuck Mouth and the jackasses have been hot
and cold all year. Don’t look for them to go far in the playoffs.
8.) Bears +1 – Cu_tler.
9.) 69ers +1 – The Niners
are about to play their last game in Candlestick Park, known affectionately as “The
Stick” by fans. The new stadium will sell gourmet burgers and hot dogs and also
feature the NFL’s largest American flag, which sits atop a 6 story flagpole.
San Francisco fans are anxious to ring in new memories at the “Meat Pole”
10.) Eagles +2 –
Filthadelphia.
11.) Cardinals +2 –
Beginning in 2014, the Arizona Cardinals should create a desert field to play
on. Opponents must play in the sand-turf in the hot sun. Water and Gatorade
will not be allowed.
12.) Bengals -5 – I have never
seen a beating as bad as the dirty Steelers gave it to the Bengals during
that Sunday Night pounding. They’re stilling pulling red hair out of the frozen
turf in Pittsburgh.
13.) Ravens +1 –The
Pukeriots are reeling from that loss to the Dolphins. Let’s hope they come into
Baltimore on Sunday to face the Ravens like a drunken college girl in the men’s
room of a bar hosting Ben Roethlisberger’s bachelor party.
14.) Falcons +1 – I would rather smash my own toes in with a
ball-peen hammer than watch Matty “Yikes” and that Tammy Gonzalez chick prance
around in those stupid uniforms all afternoon.
15.) Lions +1 – I
read a headline that said “Lions need to beat Giants in order to have a shot at
Playoffs”. That was all I needed to hear in order to place a wager on the
Giants this Sunday.
16.) Cowboys -5 – When
people get so rich that money becomes irrelevant, they usually do egomaniacal
things, which are of course, stupid. Jeff Bezos of Amazon.com is developing
delivery aircraft drones, and Jerry Jones of the Dallas Cowboys thinks he’s a
General Manager.
17.) Titans NC – The Titans v. Shituars this Sunday at 1:00.
Brought to you by NoDoz caffeine pills, Massengill, and Maxwell House.
18.) Rams NC –
Gregg Williams should be allowed to reinstitute the bounty system in the NFL.
At least those games were interesting to watch.
19.) Dolphins +1 –
In honor of defeating the Pukeriots, the Dolphins should reinstate disgraced
meat-head Richie Incognito for the Bills game this Sunday.
20.) Chargers +1 – I
was really pleased that San Diego defeated Denver last week. Even though Philip
Rivers is a drooling mouth-breather who supported Rick Santorum for president.
Yes, Peyton, that’s how much I can’t stand you.
21.) Packers +5 – They beat
the Dallas Cowboys with a quarterback who will never wear an NFL jersey again
once aarogant Aa-hole Aaron returns.
22.) Redskins NC –
RG3-11.
23.) Browns +1 – Unwatchable.
24.) Texans +1 – The Houston experiment is over. It’s time to
disband the team and just send the coaches and players to other teams.
25.) Steelers +4 – If Steelers fans are going to wave those
stupid yellow towels around like retards during every game, then I propose that
every other team in the league replace the conventional toilet paper in every
stadium restroom with yellow paper with Steelers logos on them.
26.) Jets -3 –
It’s not that I disagree with Ed Reed in regard to his criticism of the media;
it’s just that it’s hard to take anyone serious who looks like Grady from
Sanford & Son.
27.) Vikings NC –
When Adrian Peterson is released from the team, management should put him into
a boat with some dead strippers, set it on fire and push it out into Lake
Superior.
28.) Giants -9 – If
the Giants don’t shape up soon, perhaps Peyton could get Eli a job starring in
those stupid pizza commercials. Papa would be walking down the sidewalk with
his boyfriend when Peyton and Eli would drive by with a Mr. Microphone and
shout “Hey good lookin’ we’ll be back to pick you up later”. I’m not sure how
that would sell - much less even feature
pizza, but people certainly aren’t buying Papa’s “hot vomit on cardboard” for
the taste anyway.
29.) Raiders -1 – 26
first downs and 461 total yards of offense ain’t bad for a 4 – 10 team..
30.) Buccaneers NC –
The Buccaneers will now keep Mike Glennon on the sideline in a large round cage
lined with newspaper.
31.) Jaguars NC – The Jags lost to the lowly Bills
last Sunday. If things get much worse, the team may have to sell out to a
corporate sponsor. Maybe one day they will become the Pillsbury Jaguars.
32.) Bills NC –
Thanks for the memories. Losers.
1.) Seahawks NC – The Seahawks are a superbly coached team of
average talent. It won’t be enough to beat Arizona on Sunday.
2.) Patriots NC – A loss to the Dolphins at home in Gillette
Stadium? Methinks ye olde Pukeriots arte likely be one and done in the
playoffs. Official Lombardi trophy count since “Spygate”: Zero.
3.) Broncos NC – Chargers 29; Broncos 20. Oh how the mighty
have fallen. Thanks Papa.
4.) Panthers +1 – Carolina Shmarolina. Let’s not forget that
the A-hole Bills beat them.
5.) Chiefs +1 –
Somewhere in Kansas City Andy Reid is stuck in a chimney.
6.) Saints -2 – If the Saints could play on the road half as
good as they play in the poop dome, they’d have a pretty tough team.
7.) Colts +1 – Yuck Mouth and the jackasses have been hot
and cold all year. Don’t look for them to go far in the playoffs.
8.) Bears +1 – Cu_tler.
9.) 69ers +1 – The Niners
are about to play their last game in Candlestick Park, known affectionately as “The
Stick” by fans. The new stadium will sell gourmet burgers and hot dogs and also
feature the NFL’s largest American flag, which sits atop a 6 story flagpole.
San Francisco fans are anxious to ring in new memories at the “Meat Pole”
10.) Eagles +2 –
Filthadelphia.
11.) Cardinals +2 –
Beginning in 2014, the Arizona Cardinals should create a desert field to play
on. Opponents must play in the sand-turf in the hot sun. Water and Gatorade
will not be allowed.
12.) Bengals -5 – I have never
seen a beating as bad as the dirty Steelers gave it to the Bengals during
that Sunday Night pounding. They’re stilling pulling red hair out of the frozen
turf in Pittsburgh.
13.) Ravens +1 –The
Pukeriots are reeling from that loss to the Dolphins. Let’s hope they come into
Baltimore on Sunday to face the Ravens like a drunken college girl in the men’s
room of a bar hosting Ben Roethlisberger’s bachelor party.
14.) Falcons +1 – I would rather smash my own toes in with a
ball-peen hammer than watch Matty “Yikes” and that Tammy Gonzalez chick prance
around in those stupid uniforms all afternoon.
15.) Lions +1 – I
read a headline that said “Lions need to beat Giants in order to have a shot at
Playoffs”. That was all I needed to hear in order to place a wager on the
Giants this Sunday.
16.) Cowboys -5 – When
people get so rich that money becomes irrelevant, they usually do egomaniacal
things, which are of course, stupid. Jeff Bezos of Amazon.com is developing
delivery aircraft drones, and Jerry Jones of the Dallas Cowboys thinks he’s a
General Manager.
17.) Titans NC – The Titans v. Shituars this Sunday at 1:00.
Brought to you by NoDoz caffeine pills, Massengill, and Maxwell House.
18.) Rams NC –
Gregg Williams should be allowed to reinstitute the bounty system in the NFL.
At least those games were interesting to watch.
19.) Dolphins +1 –
In honor of defeating the Pukeriots, the Dolphins should reinstate disgraced
meat-head Richie Incognito for the Bills game this Sunday.
20.) Chargers +1 – I
was really pleased that San Diego defeated Denver last week. Even though Philip
Rivers is a drooling mouth-breather who supported Rick Santorum for president.
Yes, Peyton, that’s how much I can’t stand you.
21.) Packers +5 – They beat
the Dallas Cowboys with a quarterback who will never wear an NFL jersey again
once aarogant Aa-hole Aaron returns.
22.) Redskins NC –
RG3-11.
23.) Browns +1 – Unwatchable.
24.) Texans +1 – The Houston experiment is over. It’s time to
disband the team and just send the coaches and players to other teams.
25.) Steelers +4 – If Steelers fans are going to wave those
stupid yellow towels around like retards during every game, then I propose that
every other team in the league replace the conventional toilet paper in every
stadium restroom with yellow paper with Steelers logos on them.
26.) Jets -3 –
It’s not that I disagree with Ed Reed in regard to his criticism of the media;
it’s just that it’s hard to take anyone serious who looks like Grady from
Sanford & Son.
28.) Giants -9 – If
the Giants don’t shape up soon, perhaps Peyton could get Eli a job starring in
those stupid pizza commercials. Papa would be walking down the sidewalk with
his boyfriend when Peyton and Eli would drive by with a Mr. Microphone and
shout “Hey good lookin’ we’ll be back to pick you up later”. I’m not sure how
that would sell - much less even feature
pizza, but people certainly aren’t buying Papa’s “hot vomit on cardboard” for
the taste anyway.
29.) Raiders -1 – 26
first downs and 461 total yards of offense ain’t bad for a 4 – 10 team..
30.) Buccaneers NC –
The Buccaneers will now keep Mike Glennon on the sideline in a large round cage
lined with newspaper.
31.) Jaguars NC – The Jags lost to the lowly Bills
last Sunday. If things get much worse, the team may have to sell out to a
corporate sponsor. Maybe one day they will become the Pillsbury Jaguars.
32.) Bills NC –
Thanks for the memories. Losers.
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