Week Six Stink Rankings
Another inappropriate entry from Tim the Dis-Enchanter
1.) 69ers á2 The Bills made them look electrifying. They aren’t quite that good, but nobody is better than the 69ers right now.
2.) Texans â1 – The offense was clearly running out of gas by the 4th quarter. The Texans should have mauled the Jets by 3 touchdowns. Instead, they snuck out of New Jersey with an unconvincing win.
3.) Falcons â1 – Number 3 is still too high for “Matty Yikes” and company, but the Bears aren’t there yet, and I hate the Patriots, so welcome to number 3.
4.) Bears á7 –Cu*tler.
5.) Patriots á2 –First, your douchbag fans all talk like Cliff Clavin. Second, signing all of those wee, little people like Welker, Edelman, and Danny Dickhead was a nice niche to counter slow NFL Linebackers, but it won’t get you to the Superbowl this year.
6.) Steelers á4 – The Steelers hounded Vick all day. Palmolive injured himself for no apparent reason and “Dirty Harrison” was a non-factor, yet Rapistberger and company pulled out a big win at home.
7.) Giants â3 – If the game was over after 2quarters, the Browns would have whipped your asses. Brandon Weedon looked like a sibling of Eli – (a much older and less douchey sibling, presumably with a personality).
8.) Ravens â2 – The Ravens are like a fart in a bathtub. Oddly Intriguing with an unpleasant, yet predictable surprise in the end. A 9 – 6 victory over the Chefs didn’t sell me on this team.
9.) Eagles â1 – YO! You can’t win a ballgame when you turn the ball over three dozen times. Ku Ku Kachoo, Andy Reid.
10.) Cardinals â5 – They are still washing Kolb’s blood and piss out of the turf in St. Louis. Fortunately, the Cardinals colors include red and yellow.
11.) Packers â2 – The Packers took a dive in order to fulfill the NFL’s desire for a “feel good” game. Just like when the NFL decided that New Orleans would win the Superbowl after Hurricane Katrina. I have lined the inside of my baseball cap with aluminum foil. RON PAUL 2012.
12.) Broncos NC – Thanks Papa. Peyton, don’t you have a Sarah Palin rally to attend?
13.) Vikings á5 –Somebody’s on a little winning streak under the radar. We’ll see how they fare when they play a real team.
14.) Dolphins á5 –Miami is getting better and will humiliate the soon-to-be Los Angeles Bills twice this year (again).
15.) Seahawks â2 – Who did you play this week? I forgot already.
16.) Lions â2 – If the Lions lose their next Game, Donkey Kong Sue, or whatever his name is, will assault someone and get ejected again.
17.) Cowboys â2 – The Cowgirls rest up on a bye week and don’t add a loss to their record. They still drop 2 places because of Romo…
18.) Bengals â2 –Your stock is falling. No one’s jaw is on the floor.
19.) Panthers â2 – Cam Newton stinking it up again. That’s what you get for those asinine “Superman” celebrations, jerk.
20.) Chargers NC – Gee, what a coincidence that the Saints played the Chargers (the team that cut Drew Brees) on the evening that Brees was due to break the record of Johnny Unitas. The NFL is starting to look like the WWF. Give me a break.
21.) Jets á1 –Dirty Sanchez and Ned Flanders kept the Jests in the game against the Texans (surprisingly). Flanders will continue to see more playing time in the fu-diddly-uture.
22.) Rams á3 – Way to roast the Cardinals. Jeff Fisher is making progress with this team. Look for some big leaps forward next year.
23.) Saints á3 – Way to go Brees! Stay classy Terry Bradshaw, you washed up bald old asshole.
24.) Redskins â3 - RG3 took a righteous beating and sustained a concussion this week. Hopefully he won’t forget how bad his Offensive line sucks. I expect to see him playing a bit more conservatively in the future.
25.) Browns á4 - Believeland! Hells yeah bi-otch.
26.) Chiefs â3 - Looks like a change at QB helped the Chefs this week. Too bad the fans had to cheer when Cassel was carted off the field with a brain injury. Grow up; you’re not in Philadelphia.
27.) Buccaneers â3 - What’s a Buccaneer? Too much to pay for corn.
29.) Titans á1 – The Flaming Thumbtacks were whipped again this week. Bud Adams is still an asshole.
30.) Raiders á1 - A Merciful Bye-week for the Raiders. Who is your Quarterback again?
31.) Jaguars á1 - Getting crushed by the Bears puts you ahead of the loser Bills since you were expected to suck this year.
32.) Bills â5 – Congratulations on your latest NFL records! You are an embarrassment to professional football. I just peeled the Buffalo Bills sticker off the bumper of my car.