Week Seven Stink Rankings
by Tim the Dis-Enchanter
1.) Giants á6 – It’s a good thing the Bills fired Defensive Coordinator Perry Fewell. The Giants Defense clearly sucks, and the Bills Defense is AWESOME now with Dave Wannstedt!
2.) Packers á9 –That was quite a beat-down you gave the Texans. Aaron Rodgers is still a raging douche bag. Raging.
3.) Bears á1 –Cu*tler and company move up by default.
4.) Broncos á8 –Peyton Manning is an idiot-savant. On the one hand he is a brain dead moron who embodies ignorance, while on the other hand he is really, really good at making sh*tty commercials. Weird.
5.) Ravens á3 – Ray Lewis stabbed two people to death. The season-ending triceps injury should be the least of his worries. Hey Ray, did you ever find that white suit you were wearing the night of the murders? You know, the one that has never been found? What an odd item to lose.
6.) Falcons â3 – I don’t care what your record is – you have only beaten garbage teams. “Matty Yikes” isn’t good enough to get the Falcons to the Superbowl. November is right around the corner.
7.) 69ers â6 - Alex Smith is terrible. Replace him and you’re poised for a Superbowl dynasty in San Francisco. Keep him and you’re poised for a QB controversy meltdown – just like a certain team whose name I will NOT mention from Buffalo.
8.) Texans â6 – Ahhhh, now this is the Houston team I remember. I hope you enjoyed the top spot while the real teams got warmed up.
9.) Seahawks á6 – I was TICKLED watching you whip the Pukeriots. If the Pukeriots miss the playoffs, then there is a god. I still won’t believe in him or acknowledge him in any way though.
10.) Redskins á14 – OK, you have a really good quarterback. The only question that remains is whether or not there is insufficient film for opposing Defenses. Beyond that, RGIII is the real deal.
11.) Patriots â6 – BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Who would have thought the Pukeriots would be 3 – 3. The sun is setting on this dynasty. It tickles me to watch it slowly collapse.
12.) Cowboys á5 – I was impressed with the game plan – lots of running and not trusting Romo to throw. The Cowboys should have won this game. They still suck, but somehow stay competitive.
13.) Dolphins á1 – The Dolphins are actually a decent team. Who do you think is a dumber thug though? Dan Marino or Peyton Manning? Here’s a TV commercial for you: Peyton and Dan in separate bathtubs holding hands in a new Viagra spot. Thanks Papa.
14.) Steelers â8 –Use Polamalu, it softens your defense while you do the business. You’re sulking in it now.
15.) Vikings â2 – Thanks for making me look like a jackass after I told everyone how you were going to “spank” the Redskins. I even used excessive inflection on the word ‘spank’ when I said it. Thanks a**holes.
16.) Eagles â7 – Way to blow it in the 4th Quarter against the Lions. What are you, Buffalo now?
17.) Jets á4 – Hi-diddly-ho Tee-berino! Here’s a commandment: Thou shalt not suck!
18.) Lions â2 –Donkey Kong Sue.
19.) Cardinals â9 – Kolb is recovering in Intensive Care after another ass-beating. Let’s all keep him in our thoughts and prayers.
20.) Rams á2 – A loss to the Dolphins is a testament to the wily Phins, not an indication of the Rams being bad. Good game. Tough loss.
21.) Bengals â3 –You got beat by the Browns. The bottom can’t be much further.
22.) Panthers â3 – Who cares.
23.) Saints NC – The Saints should cut Brees now before things get any worse. Logically, he would then best be featured in the Bills Offensive attack.
24.) Chargers â4 – Does anyone else see the connection between the Chargers and Bills? Buddy Nix has been the GM of both teams. I wonder where Buddy will land after the Bills fire him? Wal-Mart Greeter?
25.) Browns NC – Cleveland: The only city in America that Buffalonians can make fun of. I wonder if restaurants in Cleveland charge for fountain soda refills too?
26.) Chiefs NC – Yaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwn……….
27.) Buccaneers NC – Ever since seeing those “creamsicle” uniforms in the 70’s with that ridiculous knife-in-the-teeth logo of Peter Pan, I like to refer to the Buccaneers as “the gay pirates”. Arrrrr Matey.
28.) Colts NC – Luck sucks, you talentless… uh, team.
29.) Bills á3 – After staying at a 4-star luxury hotel following that pathetic performance in San Francisco, the Bills needed a gritty overtime road-win before returning to Buffalo in order to avoid a drunken angry mob rioting at the next home game. – Wait, that happens regardless at Bills home games.
30.) Titans â1 – Way to embarrass the Steelers on Thursday night football. It’s great to do that when the game is aired on the NFL Network, so that there are only 9 people able to watch.
31.) Raiders â1 – You damn near beat Atlanta. Almost beating a team is like almost getting laid, though. Sorry, you get no credit.
32.) Jaguars â1 – The team’s logo should be changed from the snarling jaguar to a jaguar stole over some rich woman’s shoulder.