Thursday, October 4, 2012

Week Five Stink Rankings

Special Note: We bring on a new contributor to The Sports Narrative blog. Years of rooting for the Buffalo Bills have twisted his heart into a bitter and shapened blade which he wields to slice up the entire NFL each week in a segment called The Stink Rankings. Note: His post has been sanitized for your consumption. Please note: The thoughts and venom of Tim the Dis-Enchanter are entirely his own and do not reflect that of The Sports Narrative blog, podcast or any of it's owners. In fact, they don't represent the thoughts of anyone without a black, black heart. Enjoy!!!
Week Five Stink Rankings
From the mind of Tim the Dis-Enchanter

1.) Texans á1 –Wins over the Dolphins, Jaguars, Broncos, and Titans do not exactly inspire confidence in placing the Texans at #1, but sneaking past Carolina by 2 points does not exactly inspire me to place Atlanta at #1 either.


2.) Falcons á3 – Placing the top 5 was exceedingly difficult this week due to the lackluster wins against marginal teams. The Falcons should have mauled Carolina. Still, a “W” is a “W”.


3.) 69ers NC –Alright, 34 points is a huge step forward for the Offense. The defense will outscore the offense this week with Ryan Fitzpatrick at the helm for Buffalo.


4.) Giants â3 – I still can’t shake the feeling that Giants always sputter here and there early and then turn it up in November. I stand by the #4 placement.


5.) Cardinals â1 – Pulling your ass out of the fire in OT at home to the Dolphins does not make me feel good about placing you this high.


6.) Ravens á1 – We’ll have to see if the Bye-week allowed the Ravens to rest up and prepare to keep rolling. If they return without Flacco, they’ll really be poised to move up.


7.) Patriots á3 – 45 unanswered points in the 2nd half? It’s not really that impressive when you realize that Dave Wannstadt never showed the Patriots anything other than a bland, base 4 man rush. You still haven’t won a Superbowl since “spygate”, so suck it!


8.) Eagles á5 – Who let the dogs out! Way to go Vick, you dog murdering piece of sh*t.


9.) Packers â1 – Woohoo! Way to “Discount Double-Check” the lowly Saints by one point in Lambeau.


10.) Steelers â1 – Ben “Douchelessbagger” and company should look like a different club when they return from the Bye-week.


11.) Bears á8 – Defense and a fierce pass-rush enabled Chicago to crush the Cowgirls. Cu*tler looked much better than he is. He’s got one great game left in him this year. Bears miss the playoffs.


12.) Broncos á4 – The win over the Raiders did not impress me. Nor did Peyton in those sh*tty Buick commercials. Honestly, if Andrew Dice Clay could throw a football and stopped cursing, he would be Peyton Manning… Hickory, Dickory, Dock; look at the brain-dead jock!


13.) Seahawks â7 – Way to get rolled by the Rams. What’s your quarterback’s name again?


14.) Lions â3 – Christian Ponder came into your house and took a sh*t on the rug.


15.) Cowboys â3  – Romo is as good as he is bad. Dez Bryant should grow up and stop showing us his tender age. Honestly, I haven’t seen that many balls dropped since Junior High. It’s hard to sink the Cowgirls, though, since I still believe they’re good enough to beat anybody.


16.) Bengals â1  –Prediction: Wild Card spot; one and done.


17.) Panthers á3 – That Offense looked pretty damn good against a tough Atlanta Defense. This team is like a wounded animal - a wounded hamster that rips the tip of your finger open with its incisors. Scary. 


18.) Vikings á4 – I’d say the Vikings have picked up some momentum after quietly going into a division game at Ford Field and whipping the Lions under the radar.


19.) Dolphins á7 – Please cut Kid Rock from the team. He’s still a terrible Kicker. Still, I have to give them credit for taking the Cardinals into OT in Arizona.


20.) Chargers â6 – Whipping Kansas City totally convinced me that San Diego is for real!! Despite the win, they move down by default. And by Phillip Rivers, who will give Ryan Fitzpatrick a run for his money for most interceptions this year.


21.) Redskins = –Still waiting for you to beat a decent team before I give you any credit. Change the name of your team – it’s 2012. If you were the Washington Negroes or the Washington Hook-Nosed-Jews, you would have changed it by now. Seriously, is your football legacy more important than the legacy of Native Americans? How about the Washington Small Pox Blankets?


22.) Jets â5 –Ned Flanders begins to be phased in at QB during the Texans game on MNF October 8th even though Rex Ryan keeps denying it. Rex will say that they intended on using both QBs this year, so nothing has changed. The Jets trade up next year to draft a QB next year - wait – they may not have to trade up.


23.) Chiefs = – You should have beaten San Diego at home. For that matter, you should have beaten Buffalo at home. For that matter, I should have moved you down further.


24.) Buccaneers NC– Who cares.


25.) Rams á2 – Nice Division win over the Sqwaks at home. Keep it up.


26.) Saints â1 –Early congratulations on your first victory at home over the Chargers this coming Sunday…


27.) Bills â9 – Mario Williams is AWOL. His 4 game stats are: 11 tackles & 1.5 sacks  It is worth noting that J.J. Watt has 20 Tackles & 7.5 sacks. I watched you half-ass rush and give up on 85% of the plays. Fitz-Tragic is terrible. The whole team was manhandled by the Pukeriots. The garbage is beginning to stink. Time to take it out.


28.) Colts NC– They have Luck and they still Suck.


29.) Browns NC – How ironic. I’m taking the Browns to the Superbowl as I type this.


30.) Titans â1 – Your logo looks like a flaming thumbtack. From now on, you are the “Tennessee Flaming Thumbtacks”.


31.) Raiders NC –Will the Raiders be in the same division as the Los Angeles Bills in 2 years?

32.) Jaguars NC – “Cu*tler”. I just had to say it one more time.

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