Pour a Shot from the Bottle

It’s your ole buddy The Mick here stepping away from how you normally see me. I had a rant all done but it can wait a couple of days. This post isn’t going to be funny, sorry.

You see I noticed what day it is and decided to open up a bit. It’s October 10, 2012 and today would be my dad’s 65^th birthday. Unfortunately he lost his battle with cancer on August 29^th of this year. It actually started to hit me on my birthday when I didn’t get his customary phone call. Of course I chalked it up to being selfish and kept these feelings mostly to myself. But the other day I was a tool truck and was looking around and thought “Hey, dad would really like this for his birthday” and a quickly exited the vehicle. So now it’s the actual day and I was feeling torn. Should I call in, make the drive to the gravesite and pay my respects? No. Dad would want me to pull my twelve hour shift and show no ill effects of the date. He used to tell me that most people are glad that you’re miserable so act happy all the time just to piss them off. So that’s my plan. I’m going to work my shift, make my sales and stick it to the miserable jerks that I see. Tomorrow on my day off I will make that long drive out to have a moment that is more for my benefit than his but I need to do it. I once read that the first year and a day is the hardest after you lose someone because you have all the firsts without them. The first birthdays, holidays and random phone calls that made them such a part of your life that you will never have again and sometimes took for granted.

I miss you dad. I love you. See you soon.

 

The Mick

Episode #6

This week on the broadcast, Jeff and Darren bemoan the end of the Rangers season, talk about the great weekend in college football and preview the Texas-OU rivalry in The Narrative, go all around the NFL with Recaps and Picks and are joined by The Mick for an entertaining EE segment! Quality programming you should tell your friends and total strangers about.

http://thesportsnarrative.podbean.com/2012/10/10/episode-6/

Bottom of The Bottle #5

F#@K YOU DAVID BLAINE!

David Blah has a new “magic trick” coming out. This debauchery is called “Electrified!” which is similar to “Glass Box!” and “Ice Tub!” So apparently it’s magic to sit around and do nothing. If this is true then I’m Merlin bitches! I’ll tell you a true magic trick; I didn’t drink for ten days! TA-DA!!!!!

So, “Electrified!” This trick is him standing in a circle of Tesla coils in a shark suit, with a deep sea diving bell frame on his head, and thick rubber soled shoes. I seem to recall Tesla sitting in a chair writing notes on faster than light travel, while trillions of volts were arcing around his head to prove the safety of his invention. Did I mention he was decked out in typical period dress? Yeah, no special armor just a three piece wool suit and wood soled shoes. Granted, wood is a great insulator but that gold pocket watch was a lightening rod on his center mass and he checked that bitch a couple of times.

So Blah is asking for the electricity to hit him and travel down a chosen path to the ground. If any of you know anything about electricity you know it’s lazy. Electricity will ALWAYS follow the path of LEAST resistance. Now it is true it only takes 7 milliamps for three seconds to your heart to cause arrhythmia. Also the higher the voltage the higher the amperage IF the resistance is constant but this electricity is traveling through the AIR! So let’s recap, one million volts of alternating current, traveling trough minimal resistance, following a predetermined path. I’m missing the danger.

Let me tell you real danger. I want to see this Armenian shove a copper rod, hooked to a welding rig up his ass and jump in a tub of mercury and fire that bitch up. Okay, I’m spent.

Week Five Stink Rankings

Special Note: We bring on a new contributor to The Sports Narrative blog. Years of rooting for the Buffalo Bills have twisted his heart into a bitter and shapened blade which he wields to slice up the entire NFL each week in a segment called The Stink Rankings. Note: His post has been sanitized for your consumption. Please note: The thoughts and venom of Tim the Dis-Enchanter are entirely his own and do not reflect that of The Sports Narrative blog, podcast or any of it's owners. In fact, they don't represent the thoughts of anyone without a black, black heart. Enjoy!!!

 

 

Week Five Stink Rankings

From the mind of Tim the Dis-Enchanter

 

 

1.) Texans á1 –Wins over the Dolphins, Jaguars, Broncos, and Titans do not exactly inspire confidence in placing the Texans at #1, but sneaking past Carolina by 2 points does not exactly inspire me to place Atlanta at #1 either.

 

2.) Falcons á3 – Placing the top 5 was exceedingly difficult this week due to the lackluster wins against marginal teams. The Falcons should have mauled Carolina. Still, a “W” is a “W”.

 

3.) 69ers NC –Alright, 34 points is a huge step forward for the Offense. The defense will outscore the offense this week with Ryan Fitzpatrick at the helm for Buffalo.

 

4.) Giants â3 – I still can’t shake the feeling that Giants always sputter here and there early and then turn it up in November. I stand by the #4 placement.

 

5.) Cardinals â1 – Pulling your ass out of the fire in OT at home to the Dolphins does not make me feel good about placing you this high.

 

6.) Ravens á1 – We’ll have to see if the Bye-week allowed the Ravens to rest up and prepare to keep rolling. If they return without Flacco, they’ll really be poised to move up.

 

7.) Patriots á3 – 45 unanswered points in the 2^nd half? It’s not really that impressive when you realize that Dave Wannstadt never showed the Patriots anything other than a bland, base 4 man rush. You still haven’t won a Superbowl since “spygate”, so suck it!

 

8.) Eagles á5 – Who let the dogs out! Way to go Vick, you dog murdering piece of sh*t.

 

9.) Packers â1 – Woohoo! Way to “Discount Double-Check” the lowly Saints by one point in Lambeau.

 

10.) Steelers â1 – Ben “Douchelessbagger” and company should look like a different club when they return from the Bye-week.

 

11.) Bears á8 – Defense and a fierce pass-rush enabled Chicago to crush the Cowgirls. Cu*tler looked much better than he is. He’s got one great game left in him this year. Bears miss the playoffs.

 

12.) Broncos á4 – The win over the Raiders did not impress me. Nor did Peyton in those sh*tty Buick commercials. Honestly, if Andrew Dice Clay could throw a football and stopped cursing, he would be Peyton Manning… Hickory, Dickory, Dock; look at the brain-dead jock!

 

13.) Seahawks â7 – Way to get rolled by the Rams. What’s your quarterback’s name again?

 

14.) Lions â3 – Christian Ponder came into your house and took a sh*t on the rug.

 

15.) Cowboys â3  – Romo is as good as he is bad. Dez Bryant should grow up and stop showing us his tender age. Honestly, I haven’t seen that many balls dropped since Junior High. It’s hard to sink the Cowgirls, though, since I still believe they’re good enough to beat anybody.

 

16.) Bengals â1  –Prediction: Wild Card spot; one and done.

 

17.) Panthers á3 – That Offense looked pretty damn good against a tough Atlanta Defense. This team is like a wounded animal - a wounded hamster that rips the tip of your finger open with its incisors. Scary. 

 

18.) Vikings á4 – I’d say the Vikings have picked up some momentum after quietly going into a division game at Ford Field and whipping the Lions under the radar.

 

19.) Dolphins á7 – Please cut Kid Rock from the team. He’s still a terrible Kicker. Still, I have to give them credit for taking the Cardinals into OT in Arizona.

 

20.) Chargers â6 – Whipping Kansas City totally convinced me that San Diego is for real!! Despite the win, they move down by default. And by Phillip Rivers, who will give Ryan Fitzpatrick a run for his money for most interceptions this year.

 

21.) Redskins = –Still waiting for you to beat a decent team before I give you any credit. Change the name of your team – it’s 2012. If you were the Washington Negroes or the Washington Hook-Nosed-Jews, you would have changed it by now. Seriously, is your football legacy more important than the legacy of Native Americans? How about the Washington Small Pox Blankets?

 

22.) Jets â5 –Ned Flanders begins to be phased in at QB during the Texans game on MNF October 8^th even though Rex Ryan keeps denying it. Rex will say that they intended on using both QBs this year, so nothing has changed. The Jets trade up next year to draft a QB next year - wait – they may not have to trade up.

 

23.) Chiefs = – You should have beaten San Diego at home. For that matter, you should have beaten Buffalo at home. For that matter, I should have moved you down further.

 

24.) Buccaneers NC– Who cares.

 

25.) Rams á2 – Nice Division win over the Sqwaks at home. Keep it up.

 

26.) Saints â1 –Early congratulations on your first victory at home over the Chargers this coming Sunday…

 

27.) Bills â9 – Mario Williams is AWOL. His 4 game stats are: 11 tackles & 1.5 sacks  It is worth noting that J.J. Watt has 20 Tackles & 7.5 sacks. I watched you half-ass rush and give up on 85% of the plays. Fitz-Tragic is terrible. The whole team was manhandled by the Pukeriots. The garbage is beginning to stink. Time to take it out.

 

28.) Colts NC– They have Luck and they still Suck.

 

29.) Browns NC – How ironic. I’m taking the Browns to the Superbowl as I type this.

 

30.) Titans â1 – Your logo looks like a flaming thumbtack. From now on, you are the “Tennessee Flaming Thumbtacks”.

 

31.) Raiders NC –Will the Raiders be in the same division as the Los Angeles Bills in 2 years?

 

32.) Jaguars NC – “Cu*tler”. I just had to say it one more time.

Episode #5

This week's episode, entitled The Meltdown, features Jeff and Darren discussing the weekend in both pro and college football including an epic Cowboys rant, an in-depth baseball interview with the great Dustin Copening of DFWFanconnetion.com, a look at the sports landscape including the Meltdown at Medina and another round of Terrible NFL Picks.

I. NFL Recaps
II. College Football Kick Around
III. The Narrative - An baseball conversation with Dustin Copening
IV. Entertainment Enema - Rantings and Ravings
V. The Sports Landscape
VI. Terrible NFL Picks

http://thesportsnarrative.podbean.com/2012/10/02/episode-5/

Power Rankings - Week 4

Power Rankings

 

Just as preseason polls in college football are idiotic, and yet overly affect the true outcome of the season, NFL power rankings prior to seeing teams actually perform on the field are equally pointless. However, as seemingly everyone does one, I will capitulate and put out my own rankings now that I have had a few weeks to digest what teams are. Keep in mind, this list is based on what they are right now, not what they may become. And while I do take in to consideration a team’s ability to overcome their weaknesses (a season-ending injury versus a rookie at a position hurts more), I do not base my thoughts on some arbitrary “they should be better” idea I brought with me into the season. To do so seems narcissistic and dishonest like I am trying to manipulate popular opinion for my own ratings (I’m looking at you, ESPN!). With that preamble out of the way, here’s my thoughts:

 

1.      Atlanta Falcons (3-0) – I give the nod to the Falcons over the Texans merely due to strength of opponents thus far. The “Dirty Birds” appear to be firing on all cylinders.

2.      Houston Texans (3-0) – The Texans have looked quite stout early against lesser competition, and having Schaub back could mean a deep playoff run for this team.

3.      Arizona Cardinals (3-0) – The only other undefeated team gets more love from me than in most lists, but wins against the Eagles and the Patriots are not flukes. Still need to answer the QB question, but that defense looks stout.

4.     Baltimore Ravens (2-1) – As we reach the 1 loss teams, weaknesses become more apparent. The Ravens inability to create pressure on the QB without Terrell Suggs could plague them all year.

5.      San Francisco 49ers (2-1) – Despite laying a massive egg in Minnesota last week, the Niners still have the formula to win. They just have to remember that it’s running the ball and defense, not Alex Smith.

6.     Seattle Seahawks (2-1) – Two big home-wins against the Cowboys and Packers (though a bit controversial) get the worst uniforms in football to #6. A rugged defense and a learning QB could keep them in contention for the post season.

7.     Philadelphia Eagles (2-1) – A ridiculous run-to-pass ratio with a QB who is careless with the ball is not a good trend. But an opportunistic defense and a ton of talent when healthy keep Philly in the win column.

8.     Chicago Bears (2-1) – If the Bears can keep Cutler and Forte upright and healthy behind a pretty terrible O-Line, they definitely have the defense to make the playoffs.

9.     Dallas Cowboys (2-1) – After spending an off-season rebuilding their defense, the Boys look pretty stout on that side of the ball through 3 games. However, using duct tape and chewing gum on the O-Line could cost them dearly.

10.  New York Giants (2-1) – The defending champs started behind the eight ball with injuries in the secondary. But if Eli can keep slinging and get his weapons healthy, watch for the late season surge from them again.

11.   San Diego Chargers (2-1) – The Chargers took advantage of a soft opening schedule to jump to nice 2-0 start. However, getting steamrolled by the Falcons last week tells you more about this team than the start does.

12.   Cincinnati Bengals (2-1) – After an ugly opener, the Bengals are starting to find their stride, with tough defense and big plays from the wide receivers. Too bad they look like a one-and-done playoff team right now.

13.  New York Jets (2-1) – The loss of Revis for the season is a killer for a team starting with 2 division wins. But a complete lack of skill positions on offense means Sanchez, Tebow or even Namath couldn’t be that successful.

14.  Buffalo Bills (2-1) – If the Bills could keep a RB healthy, they might have a chance to live up to all the hype heaped on them this off-season. But the weak-armed Ivy League QB may not be the long-term answer.

15.  Minnesota Vikings (2-1) – Despite an impressive win against the 49ers, the Vikings still have a long way to prove this isn’t a fluke. Peterson still slowly gets up to speed and Ponder is starting to finally not suck.

16.  New England Patriots (1-2) – These are not your daddy’s Pats, as a very suspect O-Line has Tom Brady a bit nervous and therefore has slowed that high powered offense. Not sure how that gets better.

17.  Green Bay Packers (1-2) – Getting screwed by the refs notwithstanding, the Packers are not the same offense as last year. The blueprint appears to be out on them, and it will be interesting to see if they can adjust.

18.  Denver Broncos (1-2) – Peyton Manning is clearly not the same guy from Indy, with lesser arm strength and even lesser targets. However, a tough schedule is mostly to blame for the 1-2 start. However, it doesn’t get much better going forward.

19.  Pittsburgh Steelers (1-2) – If you notice a theme with the last four teams, a poor and injured offensive line is to blame for the offensive woes. Being without big playmakers of defense doesn’t help either. Look for this team to move up.

20.  Detroit Lions (1-2) – The complete lack of discipline, both on and off the field, can take any talented team down quick. Not sure how this problem gets better short of a complete culture change. And that’s not just the coach.

21.   Washington Redskins (1-2) – The early promise of RGIII and an attacking defense made the Skins look scary. But the loss of Orakpo and others on both sides of the ball means a below .500 record looks imminent

22.   Carolina Panthers (1-2) – Another team whose only win is against the Saints, the Fightin’ Cams look just like last year’s team: Cam and not much else on offense and a leaky defense. Might be 6-10 like last year’s team too.

23.  Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-2) – The Greg Schiano era, complete with the unnecessary kneel-down defense, has made the Bucs much more competitive than last year. But still hasn’t come all together yet.

24.  St Louis Rams (1-2) – Jeff Fisher is a great coach and his influence can already be seen on these Rams. However, that just means that this terrible collection of talent will be slightly better than awful.

25.  Kansas City Chiefs (1-2) – Just riddled with injuries coming out of the preseason, the Chiefs looked just terrible through 2 weeks. But a big comeback win against the Saints could be the turning point for KC. Or not.

26.  Indianapolis Colts (1-2) – On the bright side, Andrew Luck looks like he is the real deal. However, he is not without his rookie warts and the rest of the team around him is still 2 solid drafts away from being competitive.

27.  Miami Dolphins (1-2) – This year’s Hard Knocks team is about the most unexciting team ever. Reggie Bush finally looks interested in being a RB, but Tannehill is a project without any weapons to make him look better.

28.  Oakland Raiders (1-2) – An over-the-hill QB combined with a lack of real receivers, a star running back who can’t stay healthy and has no blockers and a defense that is incredibly inconsistent is how you get to #28.

29.  Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2) – Other than MJD (who they don’t even want to pay), this team has NOTHING! Gabbert is terrible, and anyone who says different is an idiot. Throwing one 80 yard bomb last week does not a QB make.

30. Tennessee Titans (1-2) – The flukiest 4^th quarter in the history of the NFL is all that keeps the Titans from the bottom of this list. The Jake Locker Experiment is off to a very rocky start and CJ2K is averaging less than 2 yards per carry.

31.  New Orleans Saints (0-3) – Guess what: COACHING MATTERS! The Saints are in a bad way right now, with a bunch of ill-fitting parts with no one to mash them into competitiveness.

32.  Cleveland Browns (0-3) – The saddest part about the Browns season is if Colt McCoy starts the year, this team is 1-2 or maybe even 2-1. Richardson looks like a beast but they must go get a big time WR next year.

Bottom Of The Bottle

Bottom Of The Bottle

from The Mick

 

Ok, your old buddy The Mick is confused. I read an article saying that Madonna will strip if Obama is reelected. That is correct ladies and gentlemen if Obama is put back into office 54 year old Madonna will take off all of her clothes at an undisclosed yet public venue. Let me say that again, at an unknown place, unknown time, somewhere that you might be Madonna will be completely naked if Obama if elected for a second term. Please feel free to register to vote now, the blog will still be online when you get back.

Now for the confusing bit my friends. When I first read the headline my first thought was ‘I didn’t know Madonna was republican.’ As I read further I discovered that it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise. WHAT!?! Yes, a promise. Following an expletive laced tirade while sipping “water” she opened her shirt to expose Obama stenciled on her chest and a bra that wished it had never been made. One could admire her for such a bold statement if she wasn’t a burnt out slut that has tried so hard to escape her Jersey origins she adopted and English accent while keeping Guy Ritchie drugged for 8 years.

So let’s review, someone who hates this country so much that she left wants to tell you how to vote. This same person has made books, movies and music video using her naked body as a selling point for decades now wants to get naked again if you do what she tells you. Now you did notice I just said decades, right? Yes the 90’s were 20 years ago and that was the last time Madonna was worth looking at. I’m not saying that all women in their 50’s are gross, but she is. Okay I tried to find some hot celebs over 50, but, I couldn’t. They are all gross.

Holy crap I forgot the dumbest part of this story, the reason Madonna has such an obsession for Obama. She thinks he’s a Black Muslim and that’s the s#!t. Seriously, that’s her main reason for supporting him. Of course, Obama and his camp have repeatedly denied both claims. That’s what you get for listening to an ancient dumpster that hates the country it’s from. So please, in the name of all that is Holy and Good don’t be responsible for Madonna getting naked again. I realize that Romney may suck, but, he is all that stands between us and a naked zombie.