Saturday, November 2, 2013

Week 9 Stink Rankings

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter

[Editor's Note: Tim the Dis-Enchanter is a life long Buffalo Bills fan. In the late 90's, Tim had all of his blood replaced with venom so he could properly display his feelings. The result is the following]

The following may be found highly offensive. Do not consume the Stink Rankings if you are easily offended, have any sense of morality, are pregnant or may become pregnant. The views expressed below are that of a deeply bitter man and in no way reflect those of The Sports Narrative, any of its members or anyone with a conscience.

Side effects of viewing the Stink Rankings may include nausea, complete loss of bladder control, unfortunate but humorous flatulence and death. If any of these symptoms occur, immediately retweet this to all of your friends, co-workers and enemies. Misery loves company!

Week Nine Stink Rankings


1.) Chiefs NC – Andy Reid already has the Chiefs in Buffalo. Not for early practice – he wanted to get a full week of chicken wing gorging in before the game. Chiefs will collect their first loss on Sunday and you can tell all of your friends that you heard it here first.  

2.) Saints NC – Saints coming off another bye week. Brees has a sore shoulder from throwing so many touchdown passes against the worst secondary in the league last week.    

3.) Seahawks NC  – How many times are the S@#$%hawks going to be featured on Sunday, Monday, or Thursday night football? I would rather throw battery acid into my own eyes than watch them play.

4.) Broncos NC – Just when you thought the Pukeriots were the most unlikeable team in the NFL… At least Tom Brady isn’t a bitch for some egomaniacal pizza queen with a Camaro.           

5.) Bengals NC – In Cincinnati they are still using wire brushes to remove pieces of Geno Smith from the helmets of the Bengals Defense.     

6.) Patriots NC – The team is officially changing their name to “The New England #$%! Stains”.  

7.) Packers +3 Who cares.

8.) Bears -1 – VaJayJay Vaginaler.  


9.) Colts -1 – It’s November and we know what that means – we will soon have the privilege of watching snot run down Andrew Luck’s beard and leak into his gaping-hole-of-a-mouth in HD. 

10.) 69ers -1 – Whenever I see that NFL promo with Kopernicus kissing his bicep, it makes me feel like an A-hole for being a fan of the sport. . 

11.) Redskins +3 – Every time the Redskins lose, the NFL should end the broadcast with that crying Indian on the horse from the anti-pollution commercials of the 70’s.

12.) Falcons +1 – I’d rather watch old women bowl than watch these asses play. For crying out loud – either practice harder or switch to baseball. 

13.) Chargers +2 –No one gives a F. 

14.) Lions +2 – It’s about time for Donkey Kong Suh to kick someone in the balls again. 

15.) Cardinals +2 – Boring.   

16.) Cowboys -4 – Jason Garrett’s coaching position officially ended when Matt Stafford snuck that ball over the goal line while the entire Cowboys defense sat on their ass pouting. 


17.) Browns +1 – Believeland, schmelieveland.

18.) Jets -7 – The Jets will continue to sputter for as long as the Defensive Coordinator is the head coach. It’s been a good run, Rex. Good luck with your job search.

19.) Ravens NC – With Murder Lewis gone, the team is fortunate to have Terrell “lamprey mouth” Suggs around to fill those big empty shoes.  

20.) Titans NC– The Flaming Thumbtacks will face the Rams this Sunday.  I’d sure hate to miss that one. This game could put a methamphetamine addict to sleep. 

21.) Dolphins NC – The Dolphins started the season 3-0, only to lose the next 4 straight. Dolphins fans haven’t been let down like this since the Marino era; big stupid loud mouth meat-head that he was.      

22.) Texans NC – Irrelevant.      

23.) Rams NC – I tried giving out tickets to Rams games on Halloween and I ended up getting all my windows soaped. 

24.) Panthers +1 – The state of “Carolina” no longer wants a team.


25.) Bills -1 – Bob Marley sucks as a Cornerback. Ya mon, Gilmore was a bust.

26.) Vikings NC – Adrian Peterson never met or paid child support for his son that died who was two years old. He has 5 children from 4 different women, most of whom he met in strip clubs. I propose that the name on the back of his jersey be changed from “PETERSON” to “STRIPPER F#$%^ER”. 

27.) Raiders -1 – If someone came to my door on Halloween in a Raiders fan outfit, I would take his candy and let my dog out to maul him.  

28.) Eagles -1 Hey Chippy – you know who wears visors and sucks at coaching football? Women. (no disrespect to your spongy man tits).

29.) Steelers NC – Way to cough one up in Oakland, Chokelessberger.  

30.) Giants NC – With impressive wins over the powerful Eagles and surging Vikings, can Ol’ mouth-breather and the Giants pull off the unthinkable and defeat the mighty Raiders?

31.) Buccaneers NC – Dissolve this garbage product so that the Dolphins can have some greater fan-base share.  
32.) Jaguars NC Ditto. 

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