[Editor's Note: Tim the Dis-Enchanter is a life long Buffalo Bills fan. In the late 90's, Tim had all of his blood replaced with venom so he could properly display his feelings. The result is the following]
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Week Twelve Stink Rankings
Editors note: There was no “Week 11 Stink Rankings”. This was due to the strike by the Professional Writer’s Guild. Fortunately, we were able to reconcile our differences and I am happy to announce that a new contract extension has been secured.
1.) Chiefs NC – Andy Reid has started a new diet after the loss to the Broncos - a diet of cheeseburgers, pasta, pizza, and pork gravy, which he just drinks through a straw from one of those pail-sized cups that were banned in New York by Mayor McF-face.
2.) Broncos +1 – Peyton Manning: the end-product of a privileged upbringing, flagrant disregard for higher education, and smug, condescending attitude toward the world. The guy can read a defense and throw a GD football, he’s not Winston Churchill, ok? Thanks Papa.
3.) Saints +1 – The Saints won a thriller in overtime against the 69ers. The Superdome in New Orleans hadn’t seen that much rioting and pooping since Hurricane Katrina.
4.) Seahawks -2 – Remember when Kurt Cobain blew his face off with a shotgun in Seattle? The poor bastard had nearly made it to Half Time.
5.) Colts NC – Yuck Mouth appears to be getting back on track after that humiliating loss to the Rams.
6.) Bengals +1 – Boring.
7.) Patriots -1 – I almost pissed my pants laughing when the Panthers shoved it up the ass of these Cheaters on Monday Night Football. Hey Tom Brady, I know you read this each week: Eff You!
8.) Bears NC – McClown appears to have outperformed Cu_tler at the quarterback position. Cu_tler had better pick it up or he’s going to be babysitting the bench. Cu_tler.
9.) 69ers NC – Watching the Niners – along with their aA-hole coach lose was therapeutic. I hadn’t felt so gratified since Bin Laden was killed.
10.) Redskins NC – RG3-7.
11.) Panthers +10 – Did anyone else catch the dejected demeanor of Bill Belichick on the post-game press conference? I could watch it over and over and over. Thank you Mr. Newton. Thank you.
12.) Eagles +14 – If you’re a fat, loud-mouthed douche bag, you might want to skip wearing the visor every week – it just makes you look like a white-trash idiot.
13.) Cardinals +10 – How is this team 6-4?
14.) Falcons -2 – What in the hell has gone so horribly wrong in Atlanta this year?
15.) Lions -1 – Holy @#$% I almost forgot how excited I was to watch the Steelers creep back and win last Sunday. It felt like my birthday – the one where I went to Burger King for the first time, then to see The Empire Strikes Back, and then to my best friend’s house to stay up all night drinking Mountain Dew and perusing his dad’s Penthouse magazines. Man, that was the best birthday ever.
16.) Cowboys NC – In a division where the Cowboys were granted an easy lead into first place, the only relevant question that remains is: can they now stay ahead of Washington and keep from finishing in last place?
17.) Jets -2 – The Bills actually caught more touchdown passes from Geno Smith than from EJ Manuel last Sunday.
18.) Packers -7 – Oh thank you State Farm for abusing the touchdown celebration that you bought from Aaron Rodgers. I could not imagine a way that you could further humiliate and disrespect him. The fat screaming cheese-head shouting at him at the end of your commercials is an especially nice touch. I may just switch my insurance to State Farm.
19.) Ravens -1 – Joe Flaccid has a great chance to pick up another win against the Interceptecons who will be invading from the planet Fumball. It’s located deep in the Piksiks galaxy.
20.) Titans -1 – I would rather debate a fundamentalist Baptist Tea Party member while wearing a French beret than watch the Titans play.
21.) Rams -1 – Boring.
22.) Giants +8 – 0-6 October 10th. Two games out of first place today.
23.) Dolphins -1 – What a stupid mascot. A dolphin? How about the Miami Praying Mantises? Yeah, I know – I was wondering if it would be “Mantii” too. It’s not. I looked it up.
24.) Chargers -11 – Hey thanks for rolling over and forking your cheeks apart for the Dolphins last Sunday. We needed them to lose, douchebag team.
25.) Browns -8 – They’re the bad, bad, Cleveland Browns. The baddest team in the whole damn town. Badder than old King Kong. Meaner than the junkyard dog… HEY! I just figured out why the dog is their mascot! And now you know.
26.) Bills -2 – Nice job running up the score on the Jests. Too bad they cannot stretch some of that into, you know, other games.
27.) Texans -2 – Matt Schaub will be in Buffalo next year. He’ll be the guy running out onto the field with the sweat towel and the Gatorade during time-outs.
28.) Vikings -1 – Things I would rather watch than the Vikings: CSPAN, The 700 Club, High School girls Softball, Olympic Curling, a S#$%uars game.
29.) Raiders -1 – Unwatchable.
30.) Steelers -1 – Douchelessbagger is coming up on his one year anniversary of not (getting caught) raping anyone.
31.) Buccaneers NC – Mike Glennon has 11 touchdowns in 7 games. Suddenly the F#$%aneers don’t seem as bad as their record.
32.) Jaguars NC – “With the 1st overall selection in the NFL 2014 draft, the Jack-#$%-sonville Jaguars select…”