Saturday, November 9, 2013

Week 10 Stink Rankings

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter

[Editor's Note: Tim the Dis-Enchanter is a life long Buffalo Bills fan. In the late 90's, Tim had all of his blood replaced with venom so he could properly display his feelings. The result is the following]

The following may be found highly offensive. Do not consume the Stink Rankings if you are easily offended, have any sense of morality, are pregnant or may become pregnant. The views expressed below are that of a deeply bitter man and in no way reflect those of The Sports Narrative, any of its members or anyone with a conscience.

Side effects of viewing the Stink Rankings may include nausea, complete loss of bladder control, unfortunate but humorous flatulence and death. If any of these symptoms occur, immediately retweet this to all of your friends, co-workers and enemies. Misery loves company!


Week Ten Stink Rankings


1.) Chiefs NC – Andy Reid hasn’t seen his own penis since 1986.

2.) Seahawks +1  – Unwatchable.

3.) Broncos +1 – Think about it: John “Papa John” Schnatter conceived a commercial (featuring himself, of course) where he and Peyton Manning ham it up for the camera - but Schnatter insists that Peyton read the line, “Thanks Papa”. That means this egomaniacal A-hole actually thinks so highly of himself that he found another colossal A-hole to thank HIM and refer to him as “Papa”. Just think about that. 

4.) Saints -2 – Who Dey?! Who Dey?! Dey da ones dat can’t win on da road.    

5.) Colts +4 – At the innermost core of Andrew Luck’s gaping mouth is a singularity, from which not even light can escape. 

6.) Patriots NC – Arrogant, cheating chest-beaters. Yep, that sounds like a modern American “patriot”.   

7.) Bengals -2 – The red-headed step-child is coming off a bye week. The Bengals should begin their annual downhill slump right about now – just in time to miss the playoffs.      

8.) Bears NC – Yeah, Jay – maybe you could come back and play when you’re done with your period, or whatever silly injury is keeping you on the bench with those pursed-lips and that pouty face. Cu_tler.



9.) 69ers +1 – Donte Whitner has applied to legally change his name to Donte Hitner. I will not be satisfied until he completes the asinine maneuver by growing a square mustache and making an inflammatory statement about Jews.   

10.) Redskins +1 – RG3-6.

11.) Packers -4 Looks like Mr. Rodgers got discounted himself when the Chicago Bears double-checked his collar bone. Loser. Rodgers! Discount double check! 

12.) Falcons NC – Matty “Yikes” and company should get the piss beat out of them soundly by the S#$%hawks on Sunday. 

13.) Chargers NC – Where is your god now, Phillip Rivers? 

14.) Lions NC – That video of Ndamukong Suh kicking Matt Schaub in the balls last year could be the perfect scene for a Viagra commercial: “You’ve reached the age where you’ve learned a thing or two… WHACK”

15.) Jets +3 – They roll over and bite the pillow for Cincinnati one week – then whip the Saints the following week. It’s like they can’t decide whether they’re going to be ‘pitching’ or ‘catching’ from week to week. Except Sanchez. Sanchez is definitely catching.  

16.) Cowboys NC – Look for the Saints to score about 175 points against the Cowgirls on Sunday, and for Jason Garrett to be standing on the sidelines with that hopelessly expressionless look on his face. 



17.) Browns NC – I’m still not sure why the bulldog is the mascot of a team called the “Browns”. Do bulldogs inspire hopelessness and desperation in their masters and let them down repeatedly?  

18.) Ravens +1 – Cincinnati will be Ravin’ about their landslide victory on Sunday.  

19.) Titans +1– I have to admit, I’m secretly hoping for the #$%uars to kick the P out of the Titans on Sunday. GO #$%uars!  

20.) Rams +3 – Watching this team makes European soccer seem exciting.  

21.) Panthers +3 – Here are their 5 wins: Giants, Vikings, Rams, Buccaneers, Falcons. Why is there even a question as to whether or not this team sucks?

22.) Dolphins -1 – Richie Incognito is a fat A-hole and Jonathan Martin is a fat P. Everybody happy now?       

23.) Cardinals -8 – Houston at Arizona this week. I would rather go to a Tea Party rally with an Obama “Hope” T-shirt than watch that game.   

24.) Bills +1 – The Bills do just fine losing on their own. They don’t need F-ing referees like Ron Winter making crap calls and then upholding them after reviewing them on slow-motion replay.  



25.) Texans -3 – Houston was up 21-3 at halftime when Kubiak suffered a mild stroke. Imagine what happened when they told him the Texans ended up losing 27-24?      

26.) Eagles +2 In honor of new head coach Chip Kelly, the Eagles will officially change their name to “The Philadelphia Man-Teets”. I wonder if Chip is lactating yet?

27.) Vikings -1 – Boring.

28.) Raiders -1 – Garbage.  

29.) Steelers NC – Get ready to taste the turf, Uselessberger. Mario Williams should have a big day (seeing as how he tends to show up only when he plays bad teams).    

30.) Giants NC – Truly the ball-bags of the NFL.

31.) Buccaneers NC – If the F#$%taneers and the #$%uars both remain winless, the recipient of next year’s 1st overall draft pick will be settled by head coaches from each team taking turns kicking each other in the balls until one forfeits.

32.) Jaguars NC #$%uars.  


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