Week 3 Stink Rankings

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter

[Editor's Note: Tim the Dis-Enchanter is a life long Buffalo Bills fan. In the late 90's, Tim had all of his blood replaced with venom so he could properly display his feelings. The result is the following]

 The following may be found highly offensive. Do not consume the Stink Rankings if you are easily offended, have any sense of morality, are pregnant or may become pregnant. The views expressed below are that of a deeply bitter man and in no way reflect those of The Sports Narrative, any of its members or anyone with a conscience.

Side effects of viewing the Stink Rankings may include nausea, complete loss of bladder control, unfortunate but humorous flatulence and death. If any of these symptoms occur, immediately retweet this to all of your friends, co-workers and enemies. Misery loves company!

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

 

Week Three Stink Rankings

 

 

1.) Seahawks +24 – The S#%thawks don’t appear to have lost a step since last year.

 

2.) Broncos +1 – So the pizza guy who drives a Camaro is infatuated with Peyton Manning? I’ll bet Papa used to spend a lot of time hanging around gymnasiums.    

 

3.) Chiefs +14 – .When the Chiefs win they dump gravy on Andy Reid instead of Gatorade.

 

4.) Bears +4 – VaJayJay and “Da Bairce” should coast to 3-0 this Sunday in $#ittsburgh.
 

5.) Bengals +4 – The Bungles pull upset of the week as they shock the world and (Meat)Packers. 

 

6.) Cowboys -5 – Girl Scout Troop 17 played offensive line for the Chefs and the Cowboys still cough one up. Yikes.

 

7.) Falcons +14 – Who cares.

 

8.) 69ers -6 – The Stinkhawks made your overrated defense look like the mediocre lot that they are. Yes, overrated.

9.) Texans -5 – JJ Watt is neck-and-neck with Phillip Rivers in the “NFL Douchebag of the season” contest held annually by the Stink Rankings. 

 

10.) Dolphins +9 – The Falcons will remind us that the Dolphins are a mediocre sub-500 team this Sunday.

 

11.) Patriots -4 – If the Pukeriots choke on Josh Freeman’s CENSORED this Sunday, the clouds will part, a little beam of sunshine will come through, birds will begin singing, and I will laugh until I pee in my pants.

 

12.) Saints -1 – Who Dey? Who gives a shizzle. 

 

13.) Redskins +2 – Hey what rhymes with 0-3? - RG3.

 

14.) Giants -8 – I remain thoroughly unimpressed with the Giants after the battle of the gaping mouth-holes last week. In addition, “Eli” and “Peyton” sound like the names of goats on a farm.  

 

15.) Packers -5 – Enough with the discount double-check commercials. There was nothing funny about that fat cretin on the wing of a plane. Seriously, knock it off. 

 

16.) Rams -4 – Rams defeat the Cowboys 34-28. You heard it here first.

 

 

17.) Bills +13 – Hazmat teams have just finished washing Cam Newton’s blood and urine out of the turf at Ralph Wilson Stadium.
 

18.) Cardinals +5 – ‘Carson Palmer’ sounds more like the name of a CPA than a quarterback. 

 

19.) Ravens -5 – Boring.
 

20.) Lions +3 – Look for more genocide against Native Americans after Donkey Kong Suh commits another blatant foul against the Redskins.

 

21.) Colts -3 – In Star Wars, when the Millenium Falcon came shooting out of the Death Star, the camera should have zoomed out to reveal that it was actually flying out of Andrew Luck’s mouth.  

 

22.) Eagles -17 – Somewhere in Killadelphia there is a rail being made for Chip to ride on as he is escorted out of town.    

 

23.) Jets – 1 – Rex Ryan fired by week 8. 

 

24.) Chargers +7 – Nice bounce back win after that embarrassing loss following a 24 point lead against the Texans. Phillip Rivers should now focus on trying to bounce back from being a huge douche bag.

 

25.) Panthers +2 – You have a HUGE quarterback who can obliterate defenses by scrambling and taking off downfield. Is there some reason he’s been relegated to pocket-passing only?

 

26.) Steelers -2 – Winlessberger
 

27.) Vikings -7 – Still ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

 

28.) Raiders - 4 –The Raiders look to bounce back this Sunday in a huge emotional win over the Broncos. Yes, I’m being sarcastic. 

 

29.) Buccaneers -3 – Josh Freeman ate all of Greg Schiano’s ice cream this week, so Schiano taped a “kick me” sign to Freeman’s back. Grow up you two A-holes.

 

30.) Titans -1 – The Flaming Thumbtacks.

 

31.) Browns -15 – The Browns are going to be awesome now that they’ve jettisoned that useless slacker Trent Richardson after 2 games this year. Brilliant.

 

32.) Jaguars NC – So far Borat has done a terrible job rebuilding the Jaguars.

 

 

 

An Alternative to Firing Wash

by Dustin Copening

If a team begins hemorrhaging losses in historic fashion as the close of a season nears, you are going to hear about the possibility of it’s  manager/coach losing their job. The team’s CEO and GM can both come out publicly and announce that the manager’s job is safe, but that will not stop the angry Tweets and calls to sports talk shows demanding a change.

There are times where the mob hits on a valid point, like Ron Washington choosing to pitch Joseph Ortiz in the 12th inning of Wednesday night’s loss in Tampa. Though, their argument is more often selective, for instance when yelling about Wash calling for a bunt to move the go ahead runner to 3rd in the top of the 12th, but not issuing a single peep when Joe Maddon calls for the same strategy in the bottom half of the inning.

What’s ultimately lacking with the #FireWash movement is a lack of creativity. There is no solution that they ever put forth along with their constant complaining about game strategy, bullpen management, and lineup adjustments. So I did the dirty work for them by asking a few of those I consider experts (whose identities shall remain hidden for their own protection) about an ultimate solution.

In the days following the conclusion of the World Series, which it would seem will be long after the Rangers have recorded their final out of the season, is it possible that Jon Daniels gets on the phone and dials up Andrew Friedman of the Tampa Bay Rays to hammer out a trade for David Price and Joe Maddon?

It’s a near unanimous consensus that Maddon is a more effective manager than Washington, although I did attempt to poke a few holes in that theory several months ago.

In this scenario, the argument shifts from who is the better manager to how much would the Rangers be asked to part with for this duo, and at what point does Texas risk giving up too much compared to the probable return of such a deal.

I present to you my best guess at what such an offer would be, and the responses I received from the 5 experts I asked about it:

“Your thoughts on dealing Jurickson Profar, Martin Perez, Lewis Brinson, and Joey Gallo in return for David Price and Joe Maddon?”

Expert 1: “You know, I've wondered that before. Before they sent him to Chicago, I wondered if they'd do something like Olt for Maddon...remember: Price is crazy-valuable and under contract through 2015...that might do it. TB would understandably ask for a king's ransom.”

Expert 2: “I don't want either...First off, Maddon won't be dealt away. It's the clubs (one) asset. That and player development...I see no reason for Tampa to do anything like that.”

Expert 3: “That’s way too much...You’re sacrificing a lot of potential cost-effective long term value...for three expensive years of a late 20’s pitcher, and a (manager) who manages his bullpen similar to Wash...Your proposal might do it. However, Perez might turn into Price. You don’t know.”

Expert 4: “That's tough. There isn't a way to place value on a manager for trade purposes. For Price it's Profar, Brinson/Gallo, Luke Jackson +...That might be a bit steep.”

Expert 5: “I've lost the will to argue this stuff anymore. Some people don't listen to reason. It kills me...That's not crazy for (the Rays) to ask (for though).”

That’s a wide variety of responses, but the general conclusion is the asking price is high. Some might say ridiculously high, and one expert pointed out that the likely response from Friedman would be a giggle followed by a hang up.

Also, if Maddon doesn’t manage the bullpen differently than Washington, where else does he display an obvious advantage over Wash?

Ron Washington is viewed as weak when when his team visits NL parks, but since he began managing in 2007, Washington has a 38-23 record in NL parks versus Maddon’s 33-28 mark. And if you want to pull the “Texas played Houston” card, realize that the Rays natural rival is the Miami Marlins.

Would Joe Maddon squeeze one or two extra wins out of this Rangers team by calling for fewer bunts and managing the roster differently? I’m inclined to guess that he would, but is that enough to deliver a title?

Is it worth trading away a bulk of your most valuable assets in the farm system when the answer isn’t a clear cut yes?

I can’t imagine it is.

 

 

Takeaways/Giveaways Week 2



by Jeff Bowers

















A Look at Week 2 in the NFL

If you want to know your past, look into your present conditions. If you want to know your future, look into your present actions.
--Buddhist Saying

Jets 10 Patriots 13

Takeaway: This game threatened to set football back a century. No one in this game could catch except for WR Julian Edelman and CB Aqib Talib. I'm not sure Gronk is going to be enough of a  savior for Brady's Bunch.
Giveaway: Everybody just tap the breaks on Geno. It's only his second game, on the raod in Foxboro and he almost won the game. The three 4th quarter INTs sucked (2 due to mechanics, 1 a tipped pass) but that's what you get with a rookie. Just let the kid grow. It's gonna be ok.

Rams 24 Falcons 31





Takeaway: The Falcons are not a Super Bowl team. Age, injuries and lack of quality depth are going to derail what was one of the favorites in the NFC. They might be lucky to win their division. Watch out for the Falcons in your Survivor Pools.
Giveaway: It's pretty rare for a wide receiver to almost single handedly win a game, but Julio Jones did that this week. This just in: he's good.

Panthers 23 Bills 24



Takeaway: I'm not sure if EJ Manuel and Buffalo actually won this game or if the Panthers just gave it away. With 3 starters out in their secondary, the Carolina Cats couldn't have covered a high school team. But kudos to the rookie for his first win and first comeback.
Giveaway: Cam Newton is not progressing. Rumors abound that Cam does not put in the time in the film room to make himself better and it shows. Cam must learn to read defenses better for him to lead this team out of NFL mediocrity.



Vikings 30 Bears 31

Takeaway: The Vikings had absolutely no business winning this game and a late rally by Cutler insured that. A kickoff return and fumble return for a TD had the Vikes up. But QB Ponder cannot do anything with this offense. Luckily for Minnesota fans, lots of good QBs available in next year's draft!
Giveaway: Not sure if the Bears are totally for real yet, but in a pretty mediocre NFC outside of the West, the Bears have a strong chance to be playing in January right now.

Washington 20 Packers 38

Takeaway: RGIII needs to be sat down. Head coaches get paid a lot of money to make tough decisions and Shannahan has got to make the call here. No one, from the coaching staff, his surgeon and Griffith himself doesn't trust that knee. Just play COusins and let him get healthy. I'm afraid this will end badly.
Giveaway: If the Packers could actually run the ball consistently like they did this week, they'd be really dangerous in the post season. However, I'd be shocked if this trend continues.

Dolphins 24 Colts 20







Takeaway: This was a battle of two teams that cannot protect their signal callers. Ultimately the team that won was the last team to record a sack. Looks like a couple of 8-8 teams to me.
Giveaway: The two biggest spenders in free agency this offseason illustrate perfectly how NOT to build a team in the NFL. Take note, Jerry.

Dallas 16 Kansas City 17

Takeaway: The battle for the Preston Road trophy between Highland Park neighbors Jerry Jones and the Hunt family goes to the team that made the fewest mistakes. This was a game where neither team took any big chances and played to a practical draw. Not fun to watch.
Giveaway: Dallas totally gave up on the running game. Even with a new RG (Waters) and new rookie center, at one point Dallas threw it 19 straight plays. Without balance, this team will lose more than it wins.

Chargers 33 Eagles 30

Takeaway: The Achilles heel of the innovative Chip Kelly offense was on display in this game: the inability to run the clock down and grind out a win. There's a reason the Oregon Ducks never won a National Championship and it's because without superior talent, they can't win a close game. He's must learn to adapt to the NFL game.
Giveaway: Nice win for San Diego but this team isn't very good. Phillip Rivers is well on his way to be our generation's Dan Fouts.

Browns 6 Ravens 14







Takeaway: The Ravens offense continues its anorexia. Joe Flacco's wife had a baby just prior to kickoff, but Joe himself cannot deliver on that ridiculous contract he earned last year. The Ravens might be in trouble to make it back to the playoffs.
Giveaway: The Browns looked really sharp in the preseason, but look terrible now. The defense is serviceable, but with only 1 guy in the secondary that can cover, #2 WRs everywhere look forward to their week vs Cleveland and on offense Norv continues to call pass plays for a team that should be 65-35 run to pass.

Titans 24 Texans 30 in OT

Takeaway: The Texans manage to rally for the second consecutive week to win, this time in overtime. Not sure if their luck will continue, but so far the Texans look like the second best team in the AFC behind Denver.
Giveaway: The emergence of WR DeAndre "Nuke" Hopkins could be exactly what Houston needed to make it to the Super Bowl. Another legitimate speed threat opposite of Andre Johnson combined with that running game make them a very complete and dangerous team.

Lions 21 Cardinals 25

Takeaway: Apparently the key to the Lions making the post season is RB Reggie Bush. When Bush went down with a knee injury, the Lions offense went stagnant. The dual threat that Bush provides and his health are crucial to the Motown Kitties.
Giveaway: The Cards are a very erratic bunch. Sometimes their defense looks suffocating and sometimes it looks porous. Sometime they can run it great and sometimes they get stuffed. Sometimes Palmer looks like when he wore a Bengals uniform and sometime he looks like when he wore a Raiders uniform.

Saints 16 Bucs 14





Takeaway: The Bucs managed to penalize away their second straight game. I love Greg Schiano's aggressive style, but they have got to play smarter. With his Parcells/Belichick type abrasiveness, he had better start winning or he's gonna lose the locker room.
Giveaway: The Josh Freeman era is about to end in Tampa. Expect to see Mike Glennon under center for the Bucs before the season is over, and maybe even in the next 2 weeks.

Jaguars 9 Raiders 19

Takeaway: It is quite possible the Jaguars do not win a game this season. This game against Oakland might have been their best and only hope. They should go 0-16 anyway just for those helmets!
Giveaway: The Terrelle Pryor experiment is going pretty well thus far in Oakland. Big test this week under the MNF lights could determine if the Silver and Black will be drafting Manziel or Clowney in next year's draft.

Broncos 41 Giants 23

Takeaway: Much like the Packers, if the Broncos figure out a running game they're going to be hard to beat. Underachieving Moreno finally showed some of the burst that got him drafted in Denver. Interesting to see if this continues.
Giveaway: The Giants are really not good. They rank dead last in running the football. Their Super Bowl team a few years ago finished 31st in rushing, but this team is not that team.

49ers 3 Seahawks 29







Takeaway: It's nice to see the NFL Safety policies now extend to lightning storms. However, I'm guessing the networks are not. look for this policy to get tweeked soon due to money issues.
Giveaway: Thank you to the NFL for delaying the game just long enough for me to squeeze in Breaking Bad! Very thoughtful

Steelers 10 Bengals 20

Takeaway: While the Bengals are clearly the best team in a very down AFC North, they are still missing . . . something. I can't quite put my finger on it, but they still look like a first round exit in the playoffs kind of team.
Giveaway: The Steelers age has finally caught up with them. While I think they could easily bounce back next season, this one is not going to be much fun in the Steel City.



Victories, Defeats and Everything In Between

Join the entire Sports Narrative Radio Show crew as we take 90 minutes to recap the entire weekend in the world of sports for you and give our own unique take on the events of the weekend!
- A discussion of the Alabama vs TX A&M game and how Johnny Football is the most unpredictable player in all of CFB
- The rest of the weekend in the college ranks including "Is this the final days of Mack Brown at Texas?"
- A full report on all of the goings-on in the NFL with a full view of the Cowboys narrow defeat in KC
- Baseball talk and the disasterous weekend for the Texas Rangers
- And finally some levity and unique perspective on life for a barstool at Mick's Pub
With all that and so much more, how can you not listen?!
Monday from 7:30-9PM CDT or anytime on Itunes or podcast

Click HERE To Listen!

Favorite Quote from this week's show:
[Dustin]: Lightning can kill people
[Darren]: GOOD!

Dallas Cowboys Pre-Game Show: Week 2

Dustin Copening and Jeff Feltman give you an in-depth look at this weekend's matchup between the Dallas Cowboys and the Kansas City Chiefs.

The guys take a look back at the Boys victory over the New York Giants on Sunday Night Football. Was the win a sign of great things to come?

Jeff Bowers breaks out his chalkboard, and you'll hear from Jason Garrett and Andy Reid in the Coaches Slant.

Next, the gang will dive Inside the Numbers while taking a look at Jamal Charles' rebuilt knee and Dez Bryant's growth as the Cowboys go-to receiver.

Then, Dustin, Feltman and Bowers weigh in with their predictions. Is anyone convinced that Dallas is headed to a 2-0 start to the season?

Finally, Dustin focuses on the rest of the NFC East, and Feltman points to the other games of interest on Sunday.

Click HERE To Listen!

Week 2 Picks

 

The Sports Narrative Radio Show crew will each week be giving you all of our NFL picks against the spread. The person with the worst record at the end of the year OR if they finish behind both The Mick and Katie will be subjected to wearing a chosen costume at a January roadshow TBD. The costumes are as follows:

Jeff Bowers: dress as Ron Burgundy (with moustache!)

Dustin Copening: dress as a 70's basketball player (with nut-hugger shorts and red afro)

Jeff Feltman: dress in drag with blonde wig (not really a punishment?)

The Mick: dress in a full suit and pink tie

Katie: dress as Wonder Woman

Darren Boyd: Winner's pick (very, very risky)

Here's this week's picks. Good Luck!

Game	Feltman	Jeff	Darren	Katie	The Mick	Dustin
NY Jets at New England (-11.5)	NE	NYJ	NYJ	NE	NYJ	NE
San Diego at Philadelphia (-7.5)	Phil	Phil	Phil	SD	Phil	Phil
Cleveland at Baltimore (6.5)	Balt	Balt	Balt	Balt	Balt	Bal
Tennessee at Houston (-9)	Hou	Hou	Hou	Tenn	Hou	Hou
Miami at Indianapolis (-2.5)	Indy	Mia	Mia	Indy	Indy	Indy
Carolina (-3) at Buffalo	Buff	Car	Car	Buff	Car	Buff
St Louis at Atlanta (-6.5)	Atl	Atl	Atl	Atl	Atl	StL
Washington at Green Bay (-7.5)	GB	GB	GB	GB	GB	GB
Dallas at Kansas City (-3)	KC	KC	Dal	KC	Dal	Dal
Minnesota at Chicago (-6)	Chi	Minn	Chi	Chi	Minn	Minn
New Orleans (-3.5) at Tampa Bay	NO	NO	NO	NO	NO	NO
Detroit (-1.5) at Arizona	Ariz	Det	Det	Det	Det	Det
Jacksonville at Oakland (5.5)	Oak	Jax	Oak	Jax	Oak	Oak
Denver (-4.5) at NY Giants	Den	Den	Den	NYG	Den	Den
San Francisco at Seattle (-3)	SF	Sea	SF	Sea	Sea	SF
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (-7)	Pitt	Cincy	Cincy	Pitt	Pitt	Cincy
Last Week	7-8-1	6-9-1	6-9-1	6-9-1	4-11-1	3-12-1
Overall	7-8-1	6-9-1	6-9-1	6-9-1	4-11-1	3-12-1