Sunday, January 5, 2014

Wildcard Match-ups: Stink Rankings Style

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter

[Editor's Note: Tim the Dis-Enchanter is a life long Buffalo Bills fan. In the late 90's, Tim had all of his blood replaced with venom so he could properly display his feelings. The result is the following]

The following may be found highly offensive. Do not consume the Stink Rankings if you are easily offended, have any sense of morality, are pregnant or may become pregnant. The views expressed below are that of a deeply bitter man and in no way reflect those of The Sports Narrative, any of its members or anyone with a conscience.

Side effects of viewing the Stink Rankings may include nausea, complete loss of bladder control, unfortunate but humorous flatulence and death. If any of these symptoms occur, immediately retweet this to all of your friends, co-workers and enemies. Misery loves company!



      Round One Playoff Stink Rankings


Chiefs – Andy Reid will not be on the sidelines in Indianapolis Saturday when the Chiefs take on the Colts. Arrangements have been made to attach television cameras to his body and float him over the stadium. 
Colts – Here’s a brain-teaser for you. Andrew Luck’s abyss-of-a-mouth is so incredibly large that it defies comprehension, BUT is it large enough for Andy Reid to walk through?          

 PICK: Chiefs

Saints – It isn’t going to be pretty in Filthadelphia Saturday as the Saints come to town and get bludgeoned by Rush Limbaugh and his dirty eleven. They’ll be cleaning blood, whiz, and gold paint off the turf for weeks.  
Eagles Bully-face Chip Kelly and his screaming “Iggles” are in the Playoffs. They should finish with a completely over-inflated sense of accomplishment after mopping the floor with Drew “I suck when I play away games” Brees and the Saints. It will be even more gratifying to see fat-ass Rush Limbaugh look-alike Chip Kelly get his mediocre team annihilated next week.        

 PICK: Saints

Chargers – The Chargers at Cincinnati? How in the hell did the Chargers make the playoffs? As I recall, there were some unimaginable scenarios that had to take place in order for the Chargers to make it: The Bills had to win a game, the Saints had to win on the road, Roethlisberger had to not get in trouble on a Saturday in Pittsburgh, there had to be a full moon, the Jews and Arabs had to make peace, the Republicans had to go one week without “symbolically” voting to repeal “Obamacare”, and the groundhog needed to see his shadow. This should be amusing.   
Bengals  – Lady Redbush and company take on Philip “religious kook” and the Chargers this Sunday. This is perhaps the greatest argument as to why the NFL should just scrap the “Wildcard” rounds.        


PICK: Bengals

69ers – Alright, I’m really pulling for the 69ers to smash the Ass-Packers on Sunday. It kind of sucks to have to cheer for “angry face” Harbaugh, Donte Hitler and Colin Copernicus, but Rodgers simply must be stopped. Oops, I meant “stomped”. 
Packers Aaron Rodgers, you stupid bastard. Thanks for ruining television with your asinine State Farm commercials. Although it is deeply gratifying to see State Farm beat the joke to death and humiliate you for selling your own celebration-move, I can’t help but think you are competing with Hee-Haw Manning and Closet Queen Papa to win the award for most irritating commercial in the history of television.



PICK: Niners

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