Saturday, January 18, 2014

Championship Weekend: Stink Rankings Style

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter

[Editor's Note: Tim the Dis-Enchanter is a life long Buffalo Bills fan. In the late 90's, Tim had all of his blood replaced with venom so he could properly display his feelings. The result is the following]

The following may be found highly offensive. Do not consume the Stink Rankings if you are easily offended, have any sense of morality, are pregnant or may become pregnant. The views expressed below are that of a deeply bitter man and in no way reflect those of The Sports Narrative, any of its members or anyone with a conscience.

Side effects of viewing the Stink Rankings may include nausea, complete loss of bladder control, unfortunate but humorous flatulence and death. If any of these symptoms occur, immediately retweet this to all of your friends, co-workers and enemies. Misery loves company!



Championship Stink Rankings



AFC Championship Game


Pukeriots at Broncos – Well now, this was all we needed wasn’t it? This match-up could have been predicted by anyone even mildly knowledgeable of football back in week two. Wes Welker says that trying to compare Tom Brady and Peyton Manning is like comparing Michelangelo and Picasso. I would say it’s more like comparing two people of only average intelligence and maturity who were brought up in privileged households by parents who tried to compensate for their own failures in life by enabling and pushing their children into athletic talent. One, a spoiled crybaby who cried like a bitch during an interview because he wasn’t drafted as quickly as he had hoped, and the other, a brainless dip#$%^ who practically needs to be sub-titled on television in order to be understood, - who is also shamelessly in bed with a national pizza shyster. Somehow these two boorish jackasses have come to be celebrated as the classic American success stories – although perhaps more classless than classic in their quintessentially American narratives of wealth, privilege, and obscene incomes for obscure talents. A Broncos win means that we all feel a tinge of excitement that, once again, the cheaters have received a small dose of justice. A Patriots win means that we may all get a reprieve from the homoerotic commercials of those two ass-clowns hocking those crappy pizzas for a while. Either way, America loses.


Predicition: Pukeriots: 38 Broncos: 30      



NFC Championship Game

69ers at S#$%hawks – Ahh, yes, the battle of the overrated defenses and underperforming offenses. It’s tough to see any pearls in this oyster-of-a-game. On the one hand you’ve got San Francisco’s bully-faced whiney coach who screams and yells over every play that doesn’t result in a touchdown as though he’s been cheated somehow, and a beady-eyed douchebag quarterback of very average talent who likes making love to his arm with his mouth whenever something “good” happens. On the other hand you’ve got a consistently underperforming offense in Seattle led by a dramatically overrated defense headed by an obnoxious, big mouthed, egomaniacal A-hole in Richard Sherman. I couldn’t even care about this game if the future of the planet was riding on it. A Sixty-Niners win means that we can all get busy not giving a S about Seattle again. A S#$%hawks win means that old “angry brow” can go punch the snot out of that bug-eyed dweeb quarterback until he feels better about himself. Personally, I’d like to punch the crap out of both of them.



Prediciton: Sixty-Niners: 24 S#$%hawks: 20   


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