Saturday, January 11, 2014

Divisional Round Preview: Stink Rankings Style

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter

[Editor's Note: Tim the Dis-Enchanter is a life long Buffalo Bills fan. In the late 90's, Tim had all of his blood replaced with venom so he could properly display his feelings. The result is the following]

The following may be found highly offensive. Do not consume the Stink Rankings if you are easily offended, have any sense of morality, are pregnant or may become pregnant. The views expressed below are that of a deeply bitter man and in no way reflect those of The Sports Narrative, any of its members or anyone with a conscience.

Side effects of viewing the Stink Rankings may include nausea, complete loss of bladder control, unfortunate but humorous flatulence and death. If any of these symptoms occur, immediately retweet this to all of your friends, co-workers and enemies. Misery loves company!



     Round Two Playoff Stink Rankings



Colts / Pukeriots – All I can say is that I hope that the Colts win, and that months after the game they find out that Colts were cheating. Because ‘F-You’ Bill Belichick.




Saints / S@#%hawks – It’s hard to imagine the Saints stringing two road wins together. I was surprised (and tickled) to see them defeat Rush Limbaugh and the Dog Killers last week. On the other hand, I can’t say that I would want to see Seattle win either. Remember, this is the city that brought us ‘yuppies’, ‘grunge bands’, ‘corporate coffee’ and ‘metrosexuals’. Maybe Seattle can just keep their SUV driving, technology-obsessed trend-setters and leave professional football to the rest of us.       




Chargers / Broncos – We all know that Philip Rivers is a giant douchebag, and generally speaking I take great delight in the look of dejection upon his face week-in and week-out as the Chargers regularly get their ass kicked. However, in a match up against brain-dead pizza whore Manning and the intolerable Broncos, I will have to cheer for Philip Rivers and the Chargers (the enemy of my enemy is my friend…). It will be similar to the moment after 9/11 when Bush went to NY and gave that impromptu speech at ground Zero about how ‘… the terrorists were gonna hear from all of us’. Even though we knew what an A-hole and election-thief Bush was, we had all felt support for him at that moment. So, in conclusion, Peyton Manning is Bin Laden.




69ers / Panthers – Seems like I should have more to say than “who cares”, but I really don’t. I’ll bet that a Norwegian crochet tournament would be more interesting. It would be nice to see bully-face Harbaugh and his beady-eyed muscle-smooching quarterback be sent home. You want to know who cares about this game? Pick-up truck driving rednecks in the Carolinas who wear goatees and use smokeless tobacco, AND people who grew up with Steve Young posters in their bedrooms and had no way of knowing what an A-wipe town of arrogant elitists San Francisco is. That’s who cares.



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