Monday, July 22, 2013

Biogenesis Fallout and Why Ryan Braun Should Retire

by Jeff Feltman

Ryan Braun is a terrible person. He is a disgrace to humanity, baseball, his parents, and to rotting garbage. I don’t advocate systematically removing a persons existence atom by atom often, but I do here. Chris Davis should go punch him from Milwaukee to Siberia.  

Ryan Braun repeatedly used PEDs. I don’t care. He could have used ground up babies to get where he is and I would not have been as mad. The fact that he repeatedly lied and abused the system makes me mad.  But that he has thrown into question every player, forever, who says they didn’t do it, that gets you punched in the face by Chris Davis. And the only way this man shouldn’t get de-atomized:

  1. Pay for a climate controlled storage facility. In this storage facility we will store a DAILY supply of his urine from the time his suspension is over until he stops getting paid for playing baseball.

  2. The employees of this facility will be guys who never made it to the majors. The ones who just couldn’t get the call up. You know, the ones who don’t have pensions.   

  3. There will be no less than 4 guys watching him pee in the vile vial completely nude.  I think it should be whoever spent the most time in the minors at Braun’s position and never got called up. And I think they should have access to tasers. And for Braun's personal privacy, there should be no cameras in the room where he is naked peeing in a cup with these guys all holding tasers.

  4. I think baseball should banish the numbers 90-99 and any players who have violated the Baseball’s Joint Drug Program should have to where those numbers for the rest of their career.  99 being the most vile and putrid players who abuse the system, I don’t know, LIKE RYAN BRAUN. Guys that get popped and confess without appeal get number 90.

I am sorry for this article.  It’s not as harsh as I would like it to be.  But there may be kids out there reading it and I don’t want them to see the dark side of the world.  We need them to see the good side.  You know, the one where a guy can cheat and still make millions.

No comments:

Post a Comment