Week 2 Stink Rankings

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter

[Editor's Note: Tim the Dis-Enchanter is a life long Buffalo Bills fan. In the late 90's, Tim had all of his blood replaced with venom so he could properly display his feelings. The result is the following]

The following may be found highly offensive. Do not consume the Stink Rankings if you are easily offended, have any sense of morality, are pregnant or may become pregnant. The views expressed below are that of a deeply bitter man and in no way reflect those of The Sports Narrative, any of its members or anyone with a conscience.

Side effects of viewing the Stink Rankings may include nausea, complete loss of bladder control, unfortunate but humorous flatulence and death. If any of these symptoms occur, immediately retweet this to all of your friends, co-workers and enemies. Misery loves company!

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

 

 

Week Two Stink Rankings

There was no week one ranking. It’s because I would rather become a chronic bed-wetter than watch anything that happens in preseason.

 

1.) Cowboys – The reason the Cowboys have sucked for all these years is because Tony Romo hasn’t been getting paid enough money?

 

 

2.) 69ers – Is this the year the Niners finally change their logo to match their Stink Ranking alias? 

 

 

3.) Broncos – When John Elway retired, Broncos fans thought they would never find another horse-toothed jackass to play quarterback.   

 

 

4.) Texans – I still remember that drunken fan screaming during the entire game and ruining my time in otherwise perfect seats. I hope they find child pornography on his computer at work. 

 

 

5.) Eagles – Anyone who has ever visited Philadelphia knows what a s#@!-hole it is. I’d rather live in Chechnya. 

 

 

6.) Giants – “Eli”. That sounds like the name of the creepy uncle who came to visit and tried to molest John Boy on a little-known episode of The Waltons. Old Uncle Eli from Philadelphia.

 

 

7.) Patriots – “Amendola” means vagina in Italian.

 

 

8.) Bears – Vajayjay Cu*tler. 

 

 

 

 

9.) Bengals – Two players arrested and suspended by October. You heard it here first.

 

 

10.) Packers – They should spray paint the word “challenged” on the sides of all those Styrofoam cheese hats as a mandatory condition for all future sales.

 

 

11.) Saints – It seems sacrilegious to have a Saint as a mascot. Until the Lions change their name to the Detroit Imams, the injustice will continue. 

 

 

12.) Rams – Boring.

 

 

13.) Cardinals – How long before Carson Palmer ends up in Buffalo?

 

 

14.) Ravens – Is it really that absence of Ray “I murdered two people” Lewis that allowed John Schnatter to throw 7 touchdowns? 

 

 

15.) Redskins – Hey what rhymes with “I-N-T”? Answer: R-G-3

 

 

16.) Browns – I’m going to be taking the Browns to the Super Bowl myself when I finish this list.

 

 

 

17.) Chiefs – When Andy Reed goes camping, the bears hide THEIR food.

 

 

18.) Colts – I was mowing the lawn last week and I saw bees coming out of the dryer vent. I was reminded of Andrew Luck’s gaping hole-of-a mouth. I just stood there while the mower wailed for an uncomfortable 30 minutes.  

 

 

19.) Dolphins – Dan Marino should buy a 1980’s Firebird and name it “KITT”

 

 

20.) Vikings – ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

 

 

21.) Falcons – Is that Tammy Gonzalez chick with the girlish complexion coming back to play for the Falcons again this year? 

 

 

22.) Jets – Sanchize!

 

 

23.) Lions – I thought it would be week 5 before Donkey Kong Suh attempted to injure someone on national TV again. Well, the man upstairs knows what happened. Isn’t that what really matters?  

 

 

24.) Raiders – The detainees in Guantanamo Bay were made to watch Raiders games and that’s how we got Bin Laden. Word has it they gave him up before halftime.

 

 

 

 

 

25.) Seahawks – Marshawn Lynch is Robert Griffin’s twin brother.

 

 

26.) Buccaneers – Tampon Bay. I remember going to the beach when I was a kid and it was thoroughly littered with cigarette butts and those plastic tampon casings. It always struck me as odd that there were that many menstruating women at the beach. Especially when I was swimming.  

 

 

27.) Panthers – So is it North & South Carolina combined? Why is it just “Carolina”? There is no “Carolina”. Are we to presume that this team represents TWO states? When they don’t sell out the stadium, are games in BOTH states blacked out?     

 

 

28.) Steelers – A nun walks into a nightclub restroom with a football and a zucchini…

 

 

29.) Titans – Because Tennesseein’ is Tennebelievin’.

 

 

30.) Bills – One game into the season and the Bills lose the home opener against their biggest rival with 9 seconds left in the game. They are 0 – 1 in the division, they are in last place in the division. Same old Bills. 

 

 

31.) Chargers –24 unanswered points? 21 point lead squandered? Phillip Rivers, are you auditioning for Buffalo? 

 

 

32.) Jaguars – How many people in Jacksonville are saying “This is our year baby”?



Rangers Pepper: It's Pretty Bad, But . . .

by Dustin Copening

 

“#RangersThoughts” on Twitter can be seen by following me @dfwfanconnect, but those thoughts evolve every few days from 140 characters into what I have dubbed as
“Rangers Pepper”.

Feeling the stress of pennant race baseball of late? Want a failsafe way to avoid the heartattack moments you’ve experienced to this point?

Take a breath. Hold it in. Keep holding. Keeeeeeep holding….

If you’ve woken up and it’s still September, then might I suggest a bag of Oreos, and if that doesn’t work then just lockout FSSW and TXA21 on your cable box and watch the Cowboys, because they never disappoint.

Cruz’s Absence Not Being Felt - Something that I am almost certain you will start to hear repeated over and over is how the loss of Nelson Cruz has finally caught up with the Rangers offense in September.

It’s one of those statements that’s easy to make when you’re looking down on the wreckage of a 2-8 start to September from 30,000 feet, but I don’t like making judgments from cruising altitude.

When Cruz’s regular season ended with the start of his 50 game suspension, he was hitting .269 with an .841 OPS and a wRC+ of 123 according to FanGraphs.com (where 120+ is an excellent rating). Not easy numbers to replace, which led several to call the season dead at that very moment.

Fortunately, Jon Daniels and his staff worked their magic just 4 days after the Cruz suspension and acquired Alex Rios from the White Sox. Rios didn’t light the box score on fire initially, but he got it going and in his 29 games with the Rangers, he has hit .301 with an .834 OPS and a wRC+ of 124.

In the first 10 games of September, Rios is hitting .378 with a 1.142 OPS, while the rest of his teammates are hitting just .245 with a .657 OPS.

Don’t fall for the Cruz narrative that will grow louder and louder if more games end up in the L column. It’s more of a Beltre, Kinsler, and Moreland (hitting a combined .194) problem.

Pitching Slide - The September swoon has the masses screaming for more runs. Yes, Texas is scoring 1.2 less runs per game this month than they did in the 5 months prior, but the bats are not the sole source of distress for this squad. Not even close.

Disturbingly, the starting rotation has fallen flat on their faces with a 5.26 ERA and 1.604 WHIP performance, and the bullpen has done little to keep the Rangers within striking distance once they’ve been called upon (3.55 ERA and 1.303 WHIP).

The combined totals from the two groups since first pitch on September 1st (4.60 ERA and 1.488 WHIP) is worse than the arms managed to produce during the two other defined slumps of the season.

Texas went 5-12 from June 1st to the 18th, and during that time the pitching staff posted a 4.73 ERA and 1.334 WHIP. Then, they stumbled once more with a 4.15 ERA and 1.369 WHIP effort from July 10th to the 28th, while the team went 3-12.

Texas only scores 4 runs on an average night, so allowing 5+ is a recipe for the first playoff-less season since 2009.

A Little Sunshine - After pointing out the ineptitude of the offenses ability to plate runs over the last 10 games, I do believe that there is a chance for a quick turnaround over the remaining 17 contest, and beyond.

In those previous slumps (Jun 1-18 and Jul 10-28), the Rangers lineup hit .226 with a .641 OPS, well shy of the season averages. In September, Texas is hitting .259 with a .710 OPS, which isn’t a far cry from the .263/.741 season total that they entered the month with.

Could it be that the Rangers are missing those 1.2 runs due to the inability of the hitters to produce with (gulp) runners in scoring position?

While I’m not sold that hitting with RISP is something that can be repeated over a 162 game season, I firmly believe that more and more chances will eventually lead to positive results.

The Rangers are reaching base. Let’s hope it’s their time to bring each other home.

 

Weekend Primer

Join the Sports Narrative Radio Show on their new night, Thursdays from 7:30 til 9PM CDT, as they get you ready for the weekend to come in the world of sports. On the show this week:

- We explore the history of the rivalry between the NY Jets and NE Patriots

- Dustin and Feltman take us into the red hot races in MLB and tell us why the Rangers offense has evaporated in the sun

- We take an in depth look into the scandals in Oklahoma State and around the SEC

- We give you all the key matchups in college and pro football this weekend, including the big game between Johnny Football and Alabama and Week 2 in the NFL

- And we make a bunch of wild ass picks against the spread in the NFL and show you exactly why all those buildings in Vegas are so awesome

All this and a ton of fun to boot! Live Thurs 7:30-9PM CDT or anytime as a download on your phone or on ITunes

Click HERE To Listen!!!

Takeaways and Giveaways: NFL Week 1

by Jeff Bowers





Week One in the NFL is in the books! So let's go game by game and see what we believe or "take away" from each match up or what we don't believe or "give away."

Ravens 27 Broncos 49

Takeaway: Despite the loss of OLBs Elvis Dumervil (due to faxing) and Von Miller (due to drugs), the Broncos defense is still formidable enough to make a run at the Super Bowl. And that Peyton to Welker connection looks like it is going to live up to the hype.

Giveaway: The fact that the Ravens gave away WR Anquan Boldin looks like a huge mistake. Torry Smith struggled in the #1 spot and when Jacoby Jones went down, so did the Ravens chances.

Patriots 23 Bills 21

Takeaway: Tom Brady misses his toys! With often injured (and now injured again) WR Danny Amendola and RB Shane Vereen as the primary targets, the Pats struggled and needed a late rally to beat a rookie-led Bills team. The wait for Gronk (also often injured) is on in Beantown.

Giveaway: Some things never change. The Bills absolutely play their hearts out only to go down at the very end. Great showing by QB EJ Manuel in his first start proved why the Bills took him way ahead of the experts' ideas. Whether he stays healthy will prove who was actually right.

Bengals 21 Bears 24

Takeaway: When Jay Cutler actually has time to throw, he's pretty good. What might be the best O-line Cutler has ever had in front of him allowed him to actually find receivers not named Brandon Marshall early on and then find his guy when it counted. Bears resurgence?

Giveaway: Despite having a ton of talent, the Bengals still lack that "thing" that makes them elite. QB Andy Dalton is competent, but not a difference maker. Neither is anything else in the backfield. Looks like another 9 to 10 win season and a first round exit.

Dolphins 23 Browns 10

Takeaway: The preseason is a mirage! QB Brandon Weeden looked phenomenal in the preseason, holding off any would-be competition for the job. And yet, when the bullets went live Weeden struggled and threw 3 costly picks and was very erratic. The Browns have got to be a run-first team to have success this season.

Giveaway: Why did the Dolphins let Reggie Bush walk? The RB tandem of Miller and Thomas was just terrible. Depending on your 2nd year QB to carry you each week is a recipe for below .500 football.

Vikings 24 Lions 34

Takeaway: Lions are Scary! With Reggie Bush finally providing a legitimate threat out of the backfield for the first time since Barry Sanders left, the Lions offense is popping. And with a dominating (and dirty) defensive line led by A Boy Named Suh, the Lions could be vying for that division.

Giveaway: Two guys who are making me look like a genius in my draft evaluations: QB Christian Ponder and WR Cordarelle Patterson. I said Ponder is a solid back-up QB, much like Ryan Fitzpatrick and thus far that is exactly what he is. About Patterson, I loved his talent but the fact that he had no skills at being an actual wide receiver meant he could only contribute primarily as a kick returner for the first year or so. Apparently the Vikings know that too as converted WR Joe Webb got more PT than Patterson.

Raiders 17 Colts 21

Takeaway: Somewhere Al Davis is smiling! There is no doubt that if Al and his jumpsuit were still with us, Terrelle Pryor would be in his second year as a starter for the Raiders. Pryor acquitted himself quite well on Sunday, even showing some poise on throws right up until the final drive. The Raiders definitely made the right choice for starter, now they just need to let him grow.

Giveaway: I wondered all off-season why the Colts felt it necessary to shop at the "bargain bin" of free agency. The additions of RT Cherlius, WR Heyward-Bey and OLB Erik Walden all seemed odd for a team that had just won 11 games. These are stop-gap guys, not building blocks. I think this team is due for a regression and will miss the playoffs this year.

Falcons 17 Saints 23 

Takeaway: He may not be great, but no one coaches backups and fill-ins better than DC Rob Ryan. The Saints defense has just been riddled with injuries, much like the Cowboys defense last year, and yet Ryan finds a way to hold it together. It may not work every week, but the combination of Sean Payton and Ryan looks like it will win more than it loses.

Giveaway: Wasn't this supposed to be Atlanta's year? After convincing TE Tony Gonzales to give it one more try, the Falcons spent all off-season finding cheap replacements for all their holes and letting several free agents walk. The result may be salary cap help but it is definitely made this team look like a chocolate éclair, looks delicious but is soft and gushy in the middle.

 

Bucs 17 Jets 18

Takeaway: The narrative that ESPN spun all off-season about how the Jets were one of the worst teams in football actually helped the Jets win on Sunday. Rex Ryan showed the team that the Jets were ranked 32nd in the Power Rankings. That "us against the world" stuff actually worked and helped this team rally down late to win. The real test comes Thursday at the sight of the dreaded "Butt-Fumble" in Foxboro.

Giveaway: Though the Bucs' season looks doomed already due to the ineffective QB play of Josh Freeman, that defense Greg Schiano is building is intimidating. Hard (and likely fine-able) hits by both safeties Goldson and Barron knocked Jets receivers out of the game and sent a message to all others looking to go over the middle against the Pewter Pirates.

Titans 16 Steelers 9

 

 

 

Takeaway: The Steelers are in for a loooonnnggg season. Already depleted at the skill positions going into training camp, Black and Gold suffered injuries to their starting rookie runner and tight end, then in the first game lose their best O-linemen (Pouncey) and a rock in their defense (Foote). As I predicted prior to the year (pat, pat, pat) the Steelers will finish last in the AFC North.

 

Giveaway: This might have been the worst game played in the NFL all weekend. The Titans are not good either.

 



Seahawks 12 Panthers 7 

 

Takeaway: The Seahawks were really lucky to win this game. Just like the Patriots are breathlessly awaiting the return of Gronk, the Hawks may have the same wait for WR Percy Harvin. Look for Seattle to get more dangerous as the playoffs approach.

 

Giveaway: I'm still just not a believer in the Panthers. I like Cam, but I think they ask him to do too much. The defense is finally respectable, but still doesn't make me take notice yet. I think the Panthers will improve but are still trapped in that zone known as "Mediocrity."

 

Chiefs 28 Jaguars 2

Takeaway: The Chiefs are looking much improved. That team had a lot of talent on it the past few years, but no coaching or QB or health. With health (always dicey), Andy Reid and Alex Smith can take these Chiefs back to the playoffs.

Giveaway: The Jacksonville two-tone helmet has got to go! I can't imagine the issues it causes a quarterback to have all of these colors flashing as receivers turn. And Blaine Gabbert or Chad Henne need no help in struggling!

Cardinals 24 Rams 27

Takeaway: Carson Palmer still has some juice. Palmer threw for 327 yards and 2 TDs (both to Fitzgerald). But the Cards are still a team just approaching respectability. They will provide some fun and upsets, but are not contenders yet.

Giveaway: The Rams and Cards are about as evenly matched as two teams can be. Dangerous bunkmates for the Niners and Seahawks, but will finish somewhere between 8-8 and 5-11.

Packers 28 49ers 34

Takeaway: Roger Goodell must hate the Packers. For the second year in a row, the Packers have gotten shafted by the refs in Week 1. This time to personal foul call that led to the Fightin Kaepernicks getting an extra 3rd down and thus a TD was pretty rough. Maybe it's because Aaron Rogers is reported to be an ass by all his former WRs.

Giveaway: The idea that Kaepernick is a one trick pony looks very busted. CoKap threw for 412 yards as the Packers D kept him mostly contained in the pocket. I still worry about the skill positions in SF, but for right now they look strong to quite strong.

Giants 31 Cowboys 36

Takeaway: Another draft evaluation validation! This time it's Giants RB David Wilson. I loved Wilson in the draft, but had a mid 2nd round grade on him due to his propensity to fumble. I thought he would always need to be a change-of-pace guy. Look like Tom Coughlin thinks that too now.

Giveaway: It's tough to say whether the Cowboys defense was good or just lucky with 6 turnovers, but the new commitment to creating turnovers by Kiffin is definitely working. My question is "why doesn't everyone do that?" and "why wasn't that a thing in Dallas before now?"

 

Eagles 33 Washington 27

Takeaway: The Chip Kelly Experiment looks pretty revolutionary early on. As I predicted in our Madden 25/NFL Preview Show, the Eagles would win quite a few games early and then the league would catch up. But that might be enough to win the division anyway.

Giveaway: Apparently the preseason is important. RGIII looked a little rusty and put his team behind the 8 ball early on. And he's still not planting fully on that surgically repaired knee. Something to watch as the season goes on.

Texans 31 Chargers 28

Takeaway: I'm still not convinced that Schaub can win a Super Bowl, but if it's going to happen this is the year. The Texans struggled to run the football and needed Schaub to carry them, something he has really never done well. But Schaub responded and rallied his team back from down 21 points. Nice start to a promising season.

Giveaway: Poor Chargers. And poor Phillip Rivers. With no running game and little time to throw, Rivers' talent is just getting fiddled away Dan Fouts-style.

Please join us Thursday night for The Sports Narrative Radio Show for all your prep for the sports weekend! Until then, be well and be good,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monday Night Narrative

Welcome to the new schedule for The Sports Narrative Radio Show!
Mondays and Thursdays from 7:30 to 9PM each week of the football season.
Tonight on the show:
- A recap of the weekend's college football key match-ups
- A breakdown of every NFL game of Week 1
- News and Notes from all around the world of sports
- A special surprise interview with boxing promoter Lou DiBella about the upcoming Mayweather vs Canella fight this weekend
- And the home of Mick's Pub, the most explosive segment allowed on the Internet
Join us Monday Sept 9th from 7:30 to 9PM CDT live or anytime as a podcast!

Click HERE to Listen!

Madden 25/NFL Preview Show

In a very special presentation, The Sports Narrative Radio Show gathers to discuss the opening of the NFL season in the only way they know how: by drinking beer, eating pizza and playing a Madden tournament. The crew breaks down both the AFC and NFC and gives their Superbowl predictions, goes extra in depth on the Dallas Cowboys, reviews the latest installment of Madden and its merits and then wastes a bunch of time taking to girls! Got some time to kill? Give a listen and then tell all your friends and most of your enemies!

Click HERE To Listen!

Rangers Pepper 9/6: The Door Cracks Open, Watch out for LAA, Tepesch Settles In

by Dustin Copening

“#RangersThoughts” on Twitter can be seen by following me @dfwfanconnect, but those thoughts evolve every few days from 140 characters into what I have dubbed as
“Rangers Pepper”.

Thank you Houston! Texas begin play tonight in first place thanks to a win by the Astros over Oakland.  Athletics fans probably equate that performance from the A’s to this masterpiece, and here’s hoping to more of the same as we dive into the pepper:

Oakland’s Stumble - The final nails in the coffin of the Rangers AL West hopes in 2012 came in the form of a three game sweep to Oakland on the road in the season’s final series. Those three were added to 27 others hammered in prior to that catastrophe, as Texas finished the season with 30 losses to just 27 wins against AL West foes.

This year has played out differently for the Rangers, accumulating a 45-18 record versus the West, with 13 more matchups on the schedule against the Angels (7), Astros (3), and Athletics (3). Plus, the West bunkmate that has given them the most trouble in head-to-head games, the Mariners, won’t appear on the calendar until 2014.

On the flip side, Oakland began their final 16 games against West division opponents with a shocking loss to Houston last night. It was their third loss in four games against the Astros, and dropped Oakland’s overall record against the division to 33-24.

The A’s have also struggled against Seattle, winning 6 and losing 10 to the M’s. The final three games of the year for Oakland will be on the road at Safeco, where they are 2-4 this year.

On paper, the A’s have the far easier schedule than the Rangers (.454 opponents winning % compared to .505), but a few more slip ups like last night’s may allow Texas to edge ahead of Oakland at the finish line.

Angels Playing Well - Texas’ dominance of the Astros has been well documented (14-2 record against), but they have had almost identical success against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (10-2 record against).

It would be a mistake to write these next three games down in ink as wins, as LAA has been playing better baseball over the last few weeks.

They finished August on a 7-1 run that carried over to 9-1 after the first two games of September, before dropping 2 of the final 3 of a 4 game series against the Rays.

C.J. Wilson and Garrett Richards are both coming off of effectively pitched wins in their last starts, and Jason Vargas had two consecutive starts where he allowed just 1 ER over a total of 13.1 IP before getting roughed up against the Rays his last time out on the mound.

Offensively, the Angels have put up 7 games of double digit hit totals in their last 12, and have started September hitting .290 with a .785 OPS.

Josh Hamilton has not come close to regaining his power stroke, but he did manage to hit .272 with a .339 OBP in August (both season highs in a month by a wide margin) and is off to a solid start in September (4-12 with 3 runs scored in 4 games).

Of course Mike Trout remains the preeminent threat in the Angels lineup (.335, 31 SB, and 1.007 OPS) and is 5 runs shy of 100 for the year as play begins tonight.

Tepesch Finds A Home -  A bright spot from the Oakland series was the return of Nick Tepesch from the DL.  In a long relief appearance after Derek Holland failed to pitch out of the 5th inning on Monday night, Tepesch’s work allowed Texas to rest several arms .

His 3.1 innings of scoreless baseball thrown (allowing just 1 base runner via a single) could signal that the 24 year old has found his place on the pitching staff in a vital role.

Ron Washington and Mike Maddux have been forced to shuffle the deck when they’ve needed someone to bail out of a rough outing from the rotation, but Tepesch seems perfect to hold the role of long reliever down for the season’s final 23 games.

In case you’ve forgotten, Tepesch befuddles hitters the first time through the lineup, holding them to a .152 BA and .433 OPS. The second and third time through the order is when things get unmanageable (.267/.736 and .451/.1.198 respectively).

Texas is unlikely to get 7+ inning efforts from Darvish, Holland, Garza, Perez and Blackley every night, and when one of those five does struggle, Tepesch is more than capable of saving the bullpen while also keeping the Rangers bats within striking distance.