Bottom of The Bottle

Hey it’s your old pal The Mick here with a request for the dozens of readers we have. Before I give my request I need to tell you a little story. It’s a sad little story about a kid named Manti Te’o. Now I’m sure some of you have heard this story, but, for those of you that haven’t here is as a clear a story as can be told about this.

Manti met a girl online. I don’t know how they started talking. Maybe Twitter or LonelyHawaiians.com (I don’t know if that’s real). The point is, it was online. They started emailing and chatting and from these interactions feelings began to bloom in the heart of little Te’o. For months they communicated online, Te’o at Notre Dame and the girl at Stanford. However, tragedy struck Manti. On the same day his beloved grandmother died, his online girlfriend also lost her battle with leukemia. This all happened right in the middle of a magical undefeated season. He led his team to the BCS Championship Game and was up for the Heisman Trophy. But he lost out to a Redshirt Freshman from Texas A&M. I’m shocked Manti didn’t eat a gun that night. The story gets worse by the way, so if your calm is damaged now you might want to get a drink.

Apparently, Manti’s girlfriend wasn’t real. He was a victim of an elaborate hoax which is known as “catfishing.” If you have never seen the show Catfish on MTV (and most haven’t) here is its premise: The host (which made a movie about this before the show was made) takes people to meet their online boy/girlfriend. If it is a different person than what you were presented online then you have been “catfished.” Be it a guy pretending to be a girl or a girl pretending to be a guy (which has happened on the show) or a fat guy saying they are skinny, etc etc. I really want to fill an entire page with the way you can have a Catfish. I’d be a modern Jeff Foxworthy and hang myself with someone else’s suspenders.

Here is the real bitch; people are accusing Te’o of being in on the hoax. Personally, I think he was victim, a stupid, stupid victim. Let me give you a little history lesson about the internet. Ever since ICQ, people have been lying about their identity. Of course, back then web cameras were a rare thing. So all a person had to do was just say I don’t have a photo on my computer. In today’s age, that excuse is out the f@&king window since every phone has a camera and the internet. The internet has a ton of stock photos and unsecure Tumblr accounts, so pictures are easy to come across.

The point is if you meet someone online and you really like them ask for a specific picture with a landmark that you can identify before you get too invested. Now for my request I had earlier. Poor Manti has started a new craze! Like owling, planking and Tebowing before, we now have Te’oing!!!!! You take a picture with your arm around your invisible girl/boyfriend. I have seen some kissing, eating and even proposing to the invisible partner. I want everyone to take a Te’oing picture, doing whatever you would like, and send it to thesportsnarrative@gmail.com. Please be as creative as possible and try to make Jeff hate me for doing this. Just to be fair you can also send them to themicktsn@gmail.com. Ha, Jeff, I beat you to it.

And now for a collection of random notes I call Quick Shots!

-       I watched the Judge Dredd remake creatively named Dredd. All and all it was a pretty good movie. Of course, for some God awful, f@&ked up reason every hero has strep throat. Damn it Bones take a Sucrets for s#!t’s sake. Batman has the same issue, and that make me think some very weird things are happening

-       “What else is going on?” you ask. Great question! There is some political crap. Stupid President wants to appeal to the ignorant sheeple. Oh no! Guns! Whatever! I know Britain has a complete ban on guns and has the highest rate of violent crime in Europe. Perhaps we should arm everyone for a change. I don’t know, I don’t care, to Hell with all of it.

-       As I have said before, it’s this victim mindset that is screwing us. My real question is, why do they try and make yeast infection medicine commercials casual? I don’t have a vagina, so I’ll ask Darren, but I’m sure women don’t discuss such things. It doesn’t seem like typical bar talk. Is it what girls talk about when they go to the bathroom together?

-       Alright, I think that’s all the ramblings I have for now. No! Wait! A question for the six people that read this and never comment, what does one do when their gym shorts are now too big and it’s the middle of winter? I had plumbers crack during my work out tonight and it was annoying as Hell.

Until next time . . . .

Oh, @#$% it!