12-12-12

A show that can only happen once every 100 years! Join Jeff and the crew as they talk sports and all that implies. Football, baseball, basketball, entertainment, etc

http://thesportsnarrative.podbean.com/mf/web/zmfgig/12-12-12.mp3

Apocalypse Now?

Bottom of The Bottle

by The Mick

 

Hey it’s your old pal The Mick finally writing some stuff. I know I’m behind schedule, whatever. It’s normally helpful if someone throws me an idea or two, even if I reject the ideas it helps me get stories going. Of course, lately nothing has been getting the ire going. All the news stories have been boring: some guy kills his chick and himself, some celeb got in a fight while another has a crappy home life, politicians are wrong about how the world works and we suffer the consequences. Blah, blah, boring. I know it’s not going to happen, but, the Mayan end times would at least be different.

I actually love all the doomsday screamers. “Oh no, we are all gonna die. Dead people said so!” If they were so prophetic, then why didn’t they see their own extinction coming? It’s hard to believe someone that didn’t see it coming. The “true believers” say that somewhere in the dead language carvings that the Mayans did see the Spanish Inquisition. I think not, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Of course, most scholars agree that it’s all a pile of s#!t. A huge steaming pile of soft bacteria riddled s#!t. The biggest issue with stating an end from a countdown is the beginning. Let’s get deep for a second. If you want to have an hourglass effect, then when does it get turned over? Let’s say that humans will have 200,000 years to do everything we can before we turn back into lemurs. Based on the latest findings, we have 5000 years left. That is until older remains are found next week which will give us only 100 years. Of course, we don’t have an accurate dating system. The tightest dating methods are plus or minus 25,000 years, maybe. It seems like a tightly guarded secret how much guessing goes on in archeology. Which brings me back to the main point, how can you count down when you don’t know when the clock started?

But, it’s a calendar and it’s a circle. Circles are great because they have no end or beginning. The long count calendar (the bad one) is supposed to be linear, and so is the Gregorian calendar. That’s our calendar, you know, the new one you buy every year with pictures of kittens and naked women. So in a few thousand years when our society is gone and forgotten we will be seen as the most pessimistic people ever. This obsession with the end hasn’t helped us appreciate what we have as it should and that will be our downfall.

So see y’all on the 22^nd, bitches!

Week 14 Stink Rankings

Week 14 Stink Rankings

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter

 

 

Note: Readership has exceeded 10,000 this week. That's more people than voted for Mitt Romney in the state of Vermont. Lol

 

 

1.) Patriots NC With the Pukeriots on top, NFL game watching is at an all-time low. No wonder the terrorists hate us.

 

 

2.) Texans NC Houston beats the Titans. Gee, who saw that coming? How will their fans react when they finish their season 0 -1 in the playoffs?

 

 

3.) Falcons +1Who is more orange? Matty Yikes, John Boehner, or Snookie?

 
 

4.) Packers +2 I would rather be kicked in the testicles than see the Packers in the playoffs again.

 

 

5.) Redskins +3 It is Robert Griffin, not “RG3”. For the love of god, please stop saying “RG3”.

 
 

6.) 69ers -3 Copernicus takes a dive and coughs one up to the Rams in overtime.

 

 

7.) Bears -2  Cu*tler’s mid-season dive is late this year, but finally arrived Sunday in a loss to the Sqwaks. Better late than never.

 
 

8.) Broncos +3 Thanks Papa.

 
 

9.) Giants NC Eli Manning’s game has been off ever since Andrew Luck showed the world that the gaping hole of a mouth in his face is bigger than Eli’s. If the Giants play the Colts, an overtime scenario would be determined by players tossing bean bags into the opposing quarterback’s mouths. 

 
 

10.) Ravens -3 Flacco looked like he had taken his game to the next level until rolling over for Pittsburgh on Sunday. Rolling over and biting the pillow.

 
 

11.) Saints -1 Looks like Drew Brees’ streak of touchdown passes is over. Somewhere Terry Bradshaw is smiling and snorting lines of Viagra.

 

 

 

12.) Seahawks NC Boring.

 

 

13.) Steelers NC Worthlessberger.

 
 

14.) Dolphins +1 Looks like the Dolphins will end up in cans of tuna again this year.

 
 

15.) Vikings +1 I would rather drink Windex than watch the Vikings play.

 

 

16.) Buccaneers +1Who cares.

 
 

17.) Rams +1 The Rams keep looking better – especially after a HUGE win over the 69ers.

 

 

 

18.) Colts +8 Can you imagine choosing Andrew Luck as the Best Man at your wedding? You’re standing there next to your beautiful wife about to enter into the sanctity of marriage and you look over and that moron is standing there in a tuxedo with that gaping hole of a mouth in his face with snot leaking into it and flies going in and out? Well, I can. And I think about it ALL the time.

 
 

19.) Lions -5 Yeah, thanks for choking in the Colts game. Come on, you couldn’t have kicked Andrew Luck in the nuts and pulled out a win??

 
 

20.) Cowboys +2 Overpaid and underperforming: Now that’s a real America’s team!

 
 

21.) Bills -2 An impressive win over the Chokuars doesn’t move the Bills in the rankings. The Bills can still make the playoffs, but it seems unlikely. Pittsburgh’s team plane would have to go down killing all aboard. Israel would have to sign a peace accord with the Palestinians, and the show “Knight Rider” would have to return to prime-time after 26 years. While all of these things are possible, remember the Bills would also have to win out for the rest of the season, which seems the least likely of all these things.

 

 

22.) Cardinals -2Two field goals over the floundering Jets?

 

 

23.) Panthers -2How has it all gone so terribly wrong?

 

 

24.) Bengals -1 [comments omitted due to the continuing underperformance of the team]

 
 

25.) Jets -1 Whose ass will Sanchez plant his face into this week?

 
 

26.) Eagles -1 Potential jobs for Andy Reid: 1.) The new Gorton’s fisherman 2.) Replacing Wilford Brimley on those diabetes commercials, or 3.) Spokesman for Cialis

 
 

27.) Chargers NC Looks like the Chargers have arced and blown a fuse.

 
 

28.) Raiders NC I would rather watch Mitt Romney’s dancing horse Rafalca dance to “Gangnam Style” than watch the Raiders play on Sunday.

 
 

29.) Browns NC Damn you for making us watch the Cleveland Browns, Roger Goodell. Damn you straight to hell.

 

 

30.) Titans NC Matt Hasselbeck is terrible, but he’s sure got a purdy mouth. REEEEEEEEEE!!! REEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Editors Note: ok, I was trying to give a ‘shout’ to Tennessee rednecks with a pun from the movie “Deliverance”, but since some of the younger readers may not get the reference, “Deliverance” is a movie about these guys who used to play for Steelers who go on a canoe trip and get sodomized by rednecks and are made to squeal like pigs. Sorry, it was late and I was tired.

 

 

 

31.) Jaguars NC The Los Angeles Chokuars.

 

 

32.) Chiefs NC Time to blow it up and start over. Firing Romeo Crennel would be a good place to start.



Creative Solutions to Real World Problems

Bottom of The Bottle

By The Mick

Hey it’s you old pal The Mick here with a brilliant idea. As you know I like to sit around and think about how screwed up our society is and its many mistakes. So, being the genius (drunk) that I am I have solved yet another of the world’s problems. It all started while I was going over the issues of life from the past couple of days and I realized how much schools have changed since I was there. Back in my day if you were being bullied you had two options: you could sit back and take it or you could fight back. In the ancient 20^th century a teacher would just shrug if you said anything and you were then forever labeled a snitch. But today, schools have a zero tolerance for bullies and kids are encouraged to speak up. This new policy stems from the rash of school shooting in the late 1990’s and early 2000’s, which I can tell you is a bad policy and a direct cause of said shootings. In 1997 I remember a law being passed that made the punishment for fighting the exact same as the penalty for using a gun. When they announced that law at my high school assembly I spoke out and said, “That’s retarded! Kids are just going to start shooting each other!” Even back then I was a prophet. But now, almost 20 years later, and since I just thought about it, I have a solution. Fight Boxes! It’s a simple idea that will work for children and adults.

Let’s start in the schools. The boxes can be just a taped off area, preferably by the principal’s office. When two kids have a beef they throw down their backpacks and He-Man lunchboxes and step into the ring. Two kids, one on one, and since the principal or other school official can see it, the fights will be short. Each kid, no matter the winner, will get the same slap on the wrist, be it in school suspension or detention plus a stern talking to in order to ensure the issue is squashed. Now for the important bit, the Fight Box is for two people only. If another kid jumps in to “gang” up on the other kid it now becomes a gang issue. Gang violations should be incredibly stiff which includes actual jail time. The same goes for any weapon use. That way the fights are as fair as possible and hormonal teenagers don’t shoot the place up and we aren’t raising a generation of pu**ies.

Now for the adult version, this gets a little more complicated. The Fight Box will be an actual box with walls and a door. To enter the box both people must swipe their ID, that way you can be summoned to Fight Court. Fight Court is where you pay your nominal fine and court costs, just like the school version. Everyone pays the same amount no matter the outcome, so I’m thinking $25 fine and $25 court fee should suffice. A sensor on the door will let the system know if more than two people enter and when the contestants leave. Of course, it will be equipped with a red emergency button in case someone gets knocked the f#@k out. You knock a fool out, exit and hit the button no additional fine is levied. However, after 30 seconds if the second person doesn’t leave emergency personnel will be automatically be dispatched and fighter number 1 gets hit with attempted murder charges. Weekly maintenance people will test the doors, ID readers and emergency systems as well as give it a good scrubbing. Granted the small fines won’t pay that salary, but, I would gladly pay an extra dollar on my vehicle registration to have a properly maintained Fight Box. All Fight Boxes will be equipped with cameras that will feed to local police, for an added security net against cheating, as well as to a local TV channel and to YouTube. Every bar in America would have its own channel because what’s better than watching a real reality show of people settling disputes street justice style. Did I mention in the adult Fight Box that you have to enter without weapons, rings or shirts? That’s important because it applies to anyone entering the Fight Box. Men, women, skinny, fat, young or old must remove shirts before fighting. I can imagine the plethora of excuses now, “I’d kick your ass if I had $50!” or “I’d take you on, but, my license is expired.” Of course hardcore mother#@kers will slap a Grant on the table and say, “Let’s go, bitch.”

So, there you go faithful readers I have solved a ton of problems at once. I have given society, both young and old, a release for their issues and created additional jobs and revenue. Vote The Mick 2016!!!

16 days to the Apocalypse Podcast

Join Jeff, Darren and The Mick for 90 minutes of sports, laughs and fun. Special guest Dustin Copening will join the show for some serious Hot Stove Baseball talk and stick around for some Terrible NFL Picks. Tell a friend!

http://thesportsnarrative.podbean.com/mf/web/cnwnde/12-5.mp3

Episode #13

Happy December, sports fans! In a special 90 minute show, Jeff and The Mick discuss the tragic events in Kansas City, the weekend in college and pro football and have a few laughs as well. Enjoy!

I. The Narrative - Commentary on the KC events
II. NFL Recaps
III. College Football Round-Up
IV. Entertainment Enema w/ The Mick

http://thesportsnarrative.podbean.com/mf/web/txn2eh/Podcast13.mp3

Rangers Blog from Darren Boyd

Hey Ranger Fans, the long awaited Winter Meetings are upon us starting Monday. The NFL & NBA typically have most of their Free Agents signed in 72-96 hours when the window opens while baseball likes to draw out Free Agency over many, many, many months. Anyway, here is a look at a few areas of need that our Rangers will be shopping for.
 

Catchers- It is a weak market but a major piece went off of it yest as Russell Martin signed a 2 yr 17 mill deal with the Pirates. Shocking to me because his camp wanted 4 yr for 40 mill. What will this say about Mike Napoli's value in the market place. He also wants 4 years but so far nobody will offer more then 3 years. I bet he is upset for turning down that 3 year 36 mill extension the Rangers offered last year. I still think the Rangers will land him for 3 years for 27 mill range. Also tonight the Rangers have to make a descion on G. Soto wether to tender him for around 5 mill or let him test free agency. Goodbye Soto unless you want to come back for 2 years and 5 mill total. If Napoli and Soto go else where I expect the Rangers to trade for a starter.
 

Pitching. The Golden Egg is Zach Grienke. Rumors out there that he will get 7 years and 165 mill. This would make him the highest paid right hander in MLB history if so. The Rangers have 2 billionaire owners, if they want to shell out that kind of money for him, I'm on board. You can never have enough quality pitching in baseball. Outside of Zach there is nothing on the free agent market that excites the Rangers. They will stay in house to fill out the rotation baring a major trade.
 

Josh Hamilton- At the end of the season I said goodbye to Josh. Btw, the only baseball jersey Ive ever owned is a Red Josh Jersey. I thought it was comical when the 7 year 175 mill rumors were out there. It seemed that the Rangers and Josh were moving on. Now that time as passed and the Market is slow for Josh I can see a Ranger return.......on the Rangers terms. Money wont be a issue its just the length of contract. Id speculate the Rangers offer 3 years with a 1 option at 25 mill a year. Will that get it done, it might. of course it just takes 1 team to fall in love with Josh and back up the Brinks truck.
 

Ive never understood why fans get so upset about paying players. The Tom Hicks days are long gone. The Rangers have 2 billionaire owners and a massive Fox TV contract coming up. You cant always win in Free agency but as the lotto motto says " you cant win if you don't play" We shall watch over the coming months as the Rangers add a few pieces to a 93 win team and look to get back to the promise land.