Bottom of the Bottle

Bottom of the Bottle

from The Mick

Your old pal The Mick is back and like freaky psychic. I know. Last week I brought up the classic debate between Star Wars and Star Trek and mentioned that Star Wars has the possibility of infinite run. Well, I guess someone else agrees. Mind you that it’s starting off a little slow, but, you can’t start a revolution instantly, ground work must be laid.

Disney buys LucasArts for $4.05 BILLION DOLLARS! That is a little bit of cheddar. Of course half a second after Lucas signed over the company Disney said "We are making Star Wars 7 and 8 and 9". Then promptly threw a contract in front of George to consult on the films and give the Company his soul. Which I think is good, from a certain point of view.

Sure in a Disney version Han wouldn't shoot first and I have a bad feeling about this, but, it should be fine. Our sanitized world can't handle an aggressive antihero. The only medium you can find a killer (and I mean murderous) hero is in a video game. In six films you will find a soda can worth of blood and that's only in the films made 30 plus years ago. I smell Disney already. Not once does anyone cuss or even come close to swearing. Samuel L. Jackson was clean as a whistle. What I wouldn't have given to hear him yell "Die you mother f@(king Sith" when he was fighting the Emperor. That would've been epic! So LucasArts was halfway to Disney from the get go. Now let’s get to the important bit. Disney owns Pixar. So now when you have the green screen effects and the droids and the aliens you are going to have a marriage of Pixar and Industrial Light and Magic. Of course, Pixar started as a part of LucasArts so it's more of a homecoming. George Lucas has been in bed with Disney for awhile. I'm sure we all remember Jedi Mickey and his work on the Magic Kingdom.

Now for the awesome bit, my friends. Do you remember the quote from earlier? It's okay. I wait while you read it again. That's right the third trilogy in saga is going to be made. We were promised that two decades ago and it's finally coming to fruition! Or so they say. Of course making 7 without the others would be stupid. Star Wars lives in the land of trilogies and perhaps that's the problem. I don't want to wait 3-5 years to finish a damn story. I can read faster than that and what's the point of movies if not to tell a story quicker than a book! I bet you dimes to dollars in the time it took from start of production until the end of theater run any one of you could've read The Lord of the Rings trilogy before the movies told you an abbreviated story. You all know where the quick and easy path leads.

IT’S A TRAP!!!

Episode #9

On a very special Halloween episode, Jeff and Darren break down the weekend in both college and pro football, explore superstition in sports in The Narrative, talk about scary movies with The Mick and are joined by Dustin Copening of DFWFanconnection.com for a preview of the upcoming NBA season and the Dallas Mavericks.

I. NFL Recaps

II. The Narrative - Superstition in sports

III. College Football Round Up

IV. Entertainment Enema w/ The Mick

V. The Sports Landscape - NBA Preview w/ Dustin Copening

VI. Terrible NFL Picks

http://thesportsnarrative.podbean.com/mf/web/7cb3x/Halloween.mp3

(Editor's Note: apparently Halloween ran off with the last 45 minutes of my show! So look for revised NBA preview in a very special bonus Sports Narrative this week. Sorry for the inconvience)

An Angry Mavs Fan's Rant

By Darran Boyd

 

Dear Mavs Fans,

 

Another season is upon us. And just where do we stand?

 

After dreaming for a year and a half about D-Will and Dwight Howard joining the Mavs that bubble burst quickly. We wanted to shop with the Nieman Marcus Xmas Catalog fantasy gifts section but quickly realized we had to shop at Marshall's instead during Free Agency. I don't blame Mark Cuban for not going to visit D Will during the recruiting process. Cuban was filming a TV show I've never heard of or watched called "The Shark Tank". Mr. Cuban knew all along that D Will would not leave the extra 26 Million on the table that the Nets could offer vs what the Mavs could offer with the ridiculous NBA Bird rights. And Howard seemed destined for LA all along, not counting the fact that the Mavs had exactly ZERO assets to fascilitate a trade. So, lets look at our Marshall's shopping additions from Free Agency.

 

Chris Kaman, Darren Collison, O.J. Mayo and Elton Brand. Wow! that blows my skirt up!! The Mavs are wasting the twilight of Dirk's career by bringing in these 1 year rent-a-player losers. Kaman will be injured 30 games out of the year. Brand is a declining player the last 5 years, Mayo is young but can't shoot and hit the broad side of a barn 5 ft away and Dirk is getting older with a bad knee.

 

Breaking news... players dont get healthy or better with age!

 

Yes I'm bitter. Mavs fan were sold a bill of goods called "Keep the Powder Dry." And that's just crap! Does any fan think Chris Paul will be coming here next year? Hell no!! All of this cap room will be wasted again. The latest theory the Mavs have tried to sell us on is that teams over the Salary Cap will just dump star players and the Mavs will swoop in with the cap space they have. Really? The Bulls will dump D Rose?? I don't think so. They'll dump lesser players like Deng or Boozer and the Mavs will be the Toronto freakin Raptors.

 

I am excited to start the season. I'm just anticipating another finish 7th place and being one & done in the playoffs again. I just don't see a bright spot in the future with this franchise. But I will give the Mavs braintrust, Mr. Cuban & Mr. Nelson, the benefit of the doubt and grant them one more year to hopefully prove me, and the rest of the NBA, wrong. And I will watch every game and ride or die with the Mavericks til the end. But just as with the Jerry and the Cowboys and the entire election process, people can only take so much bullsh*t until they tune out and stop caring. And I'm afraid my limit is fast approaching!

 

Sincerly

 

Frustrated Fan

Bottom of the Bottle

Bottom of the Bottle

from The Mick

Ok I’m here with a correction from the podcast. The Chloe something something chick was an assassin with Ghost Rider not Hulk. Yes it’s the chick from Kick-Ass. Also, I’m going to give you a preview of next week’s Enema simply because I’m so excited about this I’m in full blown nerd-gasm!

The new Star Trek movie has been officially named. Star Trek Into Darkness will be released May 17, 2013. So now the real question, which is better Star Trek or Star Wars? This argument has driven nerds into slap fights since the late 1970’s and I’m hoping will get some comments going because I want to know what you think. To start things off I’ll present an argument for each side.

Let’s start with Star Trek. It is argued that Star Trek is the most influential series to science in history. Flip phones, Bluetooth, the Ipad have all been inspired by Star Trek, at least according Brent Spiner. Matter teleportation and transfiguration have been tested and Star Trek was directly credited. Also, the product seems to be endless gold. It has been successfully rebooted and presents the ability to produce dozens of wonderful films. Which seems to be a part of the magic, you can reboot and recast two (I say three) series and make awesome films. Even if you have a bad film (i.e. Star Trek: The Motion Picture) you can make another and all is forgiven. That is truly the beautiful thing about Star Trek and its fans. The utopian good will and tolerance that Gene Rodenberry envisioned for the future has embedded itself in its fans, unless you mention Star Wars.

Cue the ominous music; we are headed to the dark side. Now here is the biggest problem with Star Wars and the answer may surprise you. It’s not George Lucas (no matter how hard he tries) and it’s not the hardcore fans believe it or not. No, it’s the casual movie goers. There is an animated series that is entering its fifth season, half a dozen awesome video games, and about a million books. That tells me that if you dig the Star Wars universe Darth Vader is not a required character for a film. So has the franchise offered any plausible ideas for science? No, but it has inspired a religion. I’m serious! The Church of Jedi is real! This brings me to the beauty of Star Wars, its fantasy. Pure, unadulterated fantasy that was created for your enjoyment and Han shot first.

So there you are, my friends. Let the most interesting debates for the past couple of months begin.

Episode #8

On a fun and action-packed show, Jeff and Darren discuss week 7 in the NFL, bring on special guest Dustin Copening from DFWFanConnection.com to preview the World Series, talk with The Mick in the Entertainment Enema, recap the weekend in college football, stare blankly into The Sports Landscape and then make some Truly Awful Picks. Won't you join us?

I. NFL Recaps

II. The Narrative - Live interview with Dustin Copening

III. Entertainment Enema featuring The Mick

IV. College Football Round Up

V. The Sports Landscape

VI. Truly Awful Picks

http://thesportsnarrative.podbean.com/mf/web/hrypc/Episode8.mp3

Bottom of the Bottle by The Mick

Welcome back faithful reader. Your ol’ pal The Mick is back with the funny ha-ha. Here are a couple of quick shots. Let’s double fist some bulls#!t that’s bugging me.

As I’m sure you know I’ve been hitting the gym lately. Also as you know I smoke. So before and after the gym I enjoy a cigarette and get the most incredible stares. I might as well dismember and eat a baby red panda in front of PETA. It’s not just the juicers either; it’s the last chancers too. Now to clarify the juicers are those overly tense, overly vascular, no neck guys that accomplish more with a needle than actually weights. The last chancers are the people that must be in the gym and on a strict diet plan to see the next decade. The funny bit is that it’s mainly these two extremes that give me the looks. I never imagined cliques in a gym, but, I’ll be damned here they are standing out and judging as if in high school. To me if you go to the gym then you’re in a clique and if you don’t go to the gym then you’re not in it and everyone is welcome.

The second shot is my damn writers block. If I don’t have my ancient laptop in front of me I’m brilliant and articulate. Once I turn the crank and get this thing cooking (literally sometimes) I got nothing. The ideas stop flowing like a clogged artery and I start looking at pictures of kittens. Perhaps it’s my ADD, perhaps it’s my s*!t hole day job, or maybe I’ve psyched myself out. The last blog I wrote brought an emotional response from the two people that read it and that’s the whole point of writing. Well I did it and now I’m stuck. I think I’ll just blame the awesome pain meds I’m on and the worst possible company anyone could ever work for.

I wasn’t planning on bitching about this but I’m high so f@%k it. I hate where I work during the day. I dig what I do but the jackasses I work for can burn in Hell. The company treats its customers and employees like absolute crap. They put out ads and promos but don’t tell employees or change the computer to take the discounts nor do they tell customers about the conditions to the sales. I hate it and everyday is a struggle to go there.

Ok I feel better.

 

The Mick

Week Seven Stink Rankings

Week Seven Stink Rankings

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter

 

 

1.) Giants á6 – It’s a good thing the Bills fired Defensive Coordinator Perry Fewell. The Giants Defense clearly sucks, and the Bills Defense is AWESOME now with Dave Wannstedt!

 

2.) Packers á9  –That was quite a beat-down you gave the Texans. Aaron Rodgers is still a raging douche bag. Raging.

 

3.) Bears á1 –Cu*tler and company move up by default.

 

4.) Broncos á8 –Peyton Manning is an idiot-savant. On the one hand he is a brain dead moron who embodies ignorance, while on the other hand he is really, really good at making sh*tty commercials. Weird.

 

5.) Ravens  á3 – Ray Lewis stabbed two people to death. The season-ending triceps injury should be the least of his worries. Hey Ray, did you ever find that white suit you were wearing the night of the murders? You know, the one that has never been found? What an odd item to lose.

 

6.) Falcons â3  – I don’t care what your record is – you have only beaten garbage teams. “Matty Yikes” isn’t good enough to get the Falcons to the Superbowl. November is right around the corner.

 

7.) 69ers  â6 - Alex Smith is terrible. Replace him and you’re poised for a Superbowl dynasty in San Francisco. Keep him and you’re poised for a QB controversy meltdown – just like a certain team whose name I will NOT mention from Buffalo.    

 

8.) Texans â6  – Ahhhh, now this is the Houston team I remember. I hope you enjoyed the top spot while the real teams got warmed up.

 

9.) Seahawks á6 – I was TICKLED watching you whip the Pukeriots. If the Pukeriots miss the playoffs, then there is a god. I still won’t believe in him or acknowledge him in any way though.

 

10.) Redskins á14 – OK, you have a really good quarterback. The only question that remains is whether or not there is insufficient film for opposing Defenses. Beyond that, RGIII is the real deal.

 

11.) Patriots â6 – BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Who would have thought the Pukeriots would be 3 – 3. The sun is setting on this dynasty. It tickles me to watch it slowly collapse.

 

12.) Cowboys á5 – I was impressed with the game plan – lots of running and not trusting Romo to throw. The Cowboys should have won this game. They still suck, but somehow stay competitive. 

 

13.) Dolphins á1 – The Dolphins are actually a decent team. Who do you think is a dumber thug though? Dan Marino or Peyton Manning? Here’s a TV commercial for you: Peyton and Dan in separate bathtubs holding hands in a new Viagra spot. Thanks Papa.

 

14.) Steelers â8 –Use Polamalu, it softens your defense while you do the business. You’re sulking in it now. 

 

15.) Vikings â2 – Thanks for making me look like a jackass after I told everyone how you were going to “spank” the Redskins. I even used excessive inflection on the word ‘spank’ when I said it. Thanks a**holes.

 

16.) Eagles â7 – Way to blow it in the 4^th Quarter against the Lions. What are you, Buffalo now?      

 

17.) Jets á4  – Hi-diddly-ho Tee-berino! Here’s a commandment: Thou shalt not suck!

 

18.) Lions â2 –Donkey Kong Sue.

 

19.) Cardinals â9 – Kolb is recovering in Intensive Care after another ass-beating. Let’s all keep him in our thoughts and prayers.

 

20.) Rams á2 – A loss to the Dolphins is a testament to the wily Phins, not an indication of the Rams being bad. Good game. Tough loss. 

 

 

21.) Bengals â3  –You got beat by the Browns. The bottom can’t be much further.

 

22.) Panthers â3   – Who cares. 

 

23.) Saints NC – The Saints should cut Brees now before things get any worse. Logically, he would then best be featured in the Bills Offensive attack. 

 

24.) Chargers â4 – Does anyone else see the connection between the Chargers and Bills? Buddy Nix has been the GM of both teams. I wonder where Buddy will land after the Bills fire him? Wal-Mart Greeter?

 

25.) Browns NC – Cleveland: The only city in America that Buffalonians can make fun of. I wonder if restaurants in Cleveland charge for fountain soda refills too? 

 

26.) Chiefs NC – Yaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwn……….

 

27.) Buccaneers NC – Ever since seeing those “creamsicle” uniforms in the 70’s with that ridiculous knife-in-the-teeth logo of Peter Pan, I like to refer to the Buccaneers as “the gay pirates”. Arrrrr Matey.

 

28.) Colts NC – Luck sucks, you talentless… uh, team.

 

29.) Bills á3 – After staying at a 4-star luxury hotel following that pathetic performance in San Francisco, the Bills needed a gritty overtime road-win before returning to Buffalo in order to avoid a drunken angry mob rioting at the next home game. – Wait, that happens regardless at Bills home games.

 

30.) Titans â1 – Way to embarrass the Steelers on Thursday night football. It’s great to do that when the game is aired on the NFL Network, so that there are only 9 people able to watch.

 

31.) Raiders â1  – You damn near beat Atlanta. Almost beating a team is like almost getting laid, though. Sorry, you get no credit.  

 

32.) Jaguars â1  – The team’s logo should be changed from the snarling jaguar to a jaguar stole over some rich woman’s shoulder.