Special Note: We bring on a new contributor to The Sports Narrative blog. Years of rooting for the Buffalo Bills have twisted his heart into a bitter and shapened blade which he wields to slice up the entire NFL each week in a segment called
The Stink Rankings.
Note: His post has been sanitized for your consumption.
Please note: The thoughts and venom of
Tim the Dis-Enchanter are entirely his own and do not reflect that of The Sports Narrative blog, podcast or any of it's owners. In fact, they don't represent the thoughts of anyone without a
black, black heart. Enjoy!!!
Week Five
Stink Rankings
From the mind of Tim the Dis-Enchanter
1.) Texans á1 –Wins over the Dolphins, Jaguars, Broncos, and
Titans do not exactly inspire confidence in placing the Texans at #1, but
sneaking past Carolina by 2 points does not exactly inspire me to place Atlanta
at #1 either.
2.)
Falcons á3 – Placing the
top 5 was exceedingly difficult this week due to the lackluster wins against
marginal teams. The Falcons should have mauled Carolina. Still, a “W” is a “W”.
3.) 69ers NC
–Alright, 34 points is a huge step forward for the Offense. The defense will
outscore the offense this week with Ryan Fitzpatrick at the helm for Buffalo.
4.) Giants â3 – I still can’t shake the feeling that Giants
always sputter here and there early and then turn it up in November. I stand by
the #4 placement.
5.) Cardinals â1 – Pulling your
ass out of the fire in OT at home to the Dolphins does not make me feel good
about placing you this high.
6.) Ravens á1 – We’ll have
to see if the Bye-week allowed the Ravens to rest up and prepare to keep
rolling. If they return without Flacco, they’ll really be poised to move up.
7.) Patriots á3 – 45 unanswered points in the 2nd
half? It’s not really that impressive when you realize that Dave Wannstadt
never showed the Patriots anything other than a bland, base 4 man rush. You
still haven’t won a Superbowl since “spygate”, so suck it!
8.) Eagles á5 – Who let the
dogs out! Way to go Vick, you dog murdering piece of sh*t.
9.) Packers â1 – Woohoo! Way to
“Discount Double-Check” the lowly Saints by one point in Lambeau.
10.) Steelers â1 – Ben “Douchelessbagger”
and company should look like a different club when they return from the
Bye-week.
11.) Bears á8 – Defense and
a fierce pass-rush enabled Chicago to crush the Cowgirls. Cu*tler looked much
better than he is. He’s got one great game left in him this year. Bears miss
the playoffs.
12.) Broncos á4 – The win
over the Raiders did not impress me. Nor did Peyton in those sh*tty Buick
commercials. Honestly, if Andrew Dice Clay could throw a football and stopped
cursing, he would be Peyton Manning… Hickory, Dickory, Dock; look at the
brain-dead jock!
13.) Seahawks â7 – Way to get
rolled by the Rams. What’s your quarterback’s name again?
14.) Lions â3 – Christian
Ponder came into your house and took a sh*t on the rug.
15.) Cowboys â3 – Romo is as good as he is bad. Dez Bryant
should grow up and stop showing us his tender age. Honestly, I haven’t seen
that many balls dropped since Junior High. It’s hard to sink the Cowgirls,
though, since I still believe they’re good enough to beat anybody.
16.) Bengals â1 –Prediction:
Wild Card spot; one and done.
17.) Panthers á3 – That
Offense looked pretty damn good against a tough Atlanta Defense. This team is
like a wounded animal - a wounded hamster that rips the tip of your finger open
with its incisors. Scary.
18.) Vikings á4 – I’d say the
Vikings have picked up some momentum after quietly going into a division game
at Ford Field and whipping the Lions under the radar.
19.) Dolphins á7 – Please cut
Kid Rock from the team. He’s still a terrible Kicker. Still, I have to give
them credit for taking the Cardinals into OT in Arizona.
20.) Chargers â6 – Whipping Kansas City totally convinced me
that San Diego is for real!! Despite the win, they move down by default. And by
Phillip Rivers, who will give Ryan Fitzpatrick a run for his money for most
interceptions this year.
21.) Redskins = –Still waiting for you to beat a decent team before
I give you any credit. Change the name of your team – it’s 2012. If you were
the Washington Negroes or the Washington Hook-Nosed-Jews, you would have
changed it by now. Seriously, is your football legacy more important than the
legacy of Native Americans? How about the Washington Small Pox Blankets?
22.) Jets â5 –Ned Flanders
begins to be phased in at QB during the Texans game on MNF October 8th
even though Rex Ryan keeps denying it. Rex will say that they intended on using
both QBs this year, so nothing has changed. The Jets trade up next year to
draft a QB next year - wait – they may not have to trade up.
23.) Chiefs = – You should have beaten San Diego at home. For
that matter, you should have beaten Buffalo at home. For that matter, I should
have moved you down further.
24.) Buccaneers NC–
Who cares.
25.) Rams á2 – Nice Division
win over the Sqwaks at home. Keep it up.
26.) Saints â1 –Early congratulations on your first victory at
home over the Chargers this coming Sunday…
27.) Bills â9 – Mario
Williams is AWOL. His 4 game stats are: 11 tackles & 1.5 sacks It is worth noting that J.J. Watt has 20
Tackles & 7.5 sacks. I watched you half-ass rush and give up on 85% of the
plays. Fitz-Tragic is terrible. The whole team was manhandled by the Pukeriots.
The garbage is beginning to stink. Time to take it out.
28.) Colts NC–
They have Luck and they still Suck.
29.) Browns NC – How ironic. I’m taking the Browns to the Superbowl
as I type this.
30.) Titans â1 – Your logo looks
like a flaming thumbtack. From now on, you are the “Tennessee Flaming
Thumbtacks”.
31.) Raiders NC –Will the Raiders be in the same division as
the Los Angeles Bills in 2 years?
32.) Jaguars
NC –
“Cu*tler”. I just had to say it one more time.
