by
Tim the Dis-Enchanter [Editor's Note:
Tim the Dis-Enchanter is a life long Buffalo Bills fan. In the late 90's, Tim had all of his blood replaced with venom so he could properly display his feelings. The result is the following]
The following may be found highly offensive. Do not consume the Stink Rankings if you are easily offended, have any sense of morality, are pregnant or may become pregnant. The views expressed below are that of a deeply bitter man and in no way reflect those of The Sports Narrative, any of its members or anyone with a conscience.
Side effects of viewing the Stink Rankings may include nausea, complete loss of bladder control, unfortunate but humorous flatulence and death. If any of these symptoms occur, immediately retweet this to all of your friends, co-workers and enemies. Misery loves company!
Week Twelve Stink Rankings
Editors note: There was no “Week 11 Stink Rankings”. This
was due to the strike by the Professional
Writer’s Guild. Fortunately, we were able to reconcile our differences and
I am happy to announce that a new contract extension has been secured.
1.) Chiefs NC –
Andy Reid has started a new diet after the loss to the Broncos - a diet of
cheeseburgers, pasta, pizza, and pork
gravy, which he just drinks through a straw from one of those pail-sized cups
that were banned in New York by Mayor McF-face.
2.) Broncos +1 –
Peyton Manning: the end-product of a privileged upbringing, flagrant disregard
for higher education, and smug, condescending attitude toward the world. The
guy can read a defense and throw a GD football, he’s not Winston
Churchill, ok? Thanks Papa.
3.) Saints +1 – The Saints won a thriller in overtime against the 69ers. The Superdome in New
Orleans hadn’t seen that much rioting and pooping since Hurricane Katrina.
4.) Seahawks -2 – Remember when Kurt Cobain blew his face off
with a shotgun in Seattle? The poor bastard had nearly made it to Half
Time.
5.) Colts NC –
Yuck Mouth appears to be getting back on track after that humiliating loss to
the Rams.
6.) Bengals +1 – Boring.
7.) Patriots -1 – I almost pissed my pants laughing when the
Panthers shoved it up the ass of these Cheaters on Monday Night Football. Hey
Tom Brady, I know you read this each week: Eff You!
8.) Bears NC – McClown appears to have outperformed Cu_tler at
the quarterback position. Cu_tler had better pick it up or he’s going to be
babysitting the bench. Cu_tler.
9.) 69ers NC – Watching
the Niners – along with their aA-hole coach lose was therapeutic. I hadn’t felt
so gratified since Bin Laden was killed.
10.) Redskins NC –
RG3-7.
11.) Panthers +10 – Did anyone else catch the dejected
demeanor of Bill Belichick on the post-game press conference? I could watch it
over and over and over. Thank you Mr. Newton. Thank you.
12.) Eagles +14 – If
you’re a fat, loud-mouthed douche bag, you might want to skip wearing the visor
every week – it just makes you look like a white-trash idiot.
13.) Cardinals +10
– How is this team 6-4?
14.) Falcons -2 – What in the hell has gone so horribly wrong
in Atlanta this year?
15.) Lions -1 –
Holy @#$% I almost forgot how excited I was to watch the Steelers creep back
and win last Sunday. It felt like my birthday – the one where I went to Burger
King for the first time, then to see The Empire Strikes Back, and then to my
best friend’s house to stay up all night drinking Mountain Dew and perusing his
dad’s Penthouse magazines. Man, that was the best birthday ever.
16.) Cowboys NC – In a
division where the Cowboys were granted an easy lead into first place, the only
relevant question that remains is: can they now stay ahead of Washington and
keep from finishing in last place?
17.) Jets -2 – The
Bills actually caught more touchdown passes from Geno Smith than from EJ Manuel
last Sunday.
18.) Packers -7 – Oh thank you State Farm for abusing the touchdown
celebration that you bought from Aaron Rodgers. I could not imagine a way that
you could further humiliate and disrespect him. The fat screaming cheese-head
shouting at him at the end of your commercials is an especially nice touch. I
may just switch my insurance to State Farm.
19.) Ravens -1 – Joe Flaccid
has a great chance to pick up another win against the Interceptecons who will be invading from the
planet Fumball. It’s located deep in the Piksiks galaxy.
20.) Titans -1 – I
would rather debate a fundamentalist Baptist Tea Party member while wearing a
French beret than watch the Titans play.
21.) Rams -1 –
Boring.
22.) Giants +8 –
0-6 October 10th. Two games out of first place today.
23.) Dolphins -1 –
What a stupid mascot. A dolphin? How about the Miami Praying Mantises? Yeah, I
know – I was wondering if it would be “Mantii” too. It’s not. I looked it up.
24.) Chargers -11 –
Hey thanks for rolling over and forking your cheeks apart for the Dolphins last
Sunday. We needed them to lose, douchebag team.
25.) Browns -8 – They’re the bad, bad, Cleveland Browns. The
baddest team in the whole damn town. Badder than old King Kong. Meaner than the
junkyard dog… HEY! I just figured out why the dog is their mascot! And now you
know.
26.) Bills -2 –
Nice job running up the score on the Jests. Too bad they cannot stretch some of
that into, you know, other
games.
27.) Texans -2 – Matt Schaub will be in Buffalo next year. He’ll be
the guy running out onto the field with the sweat towel and the Gatorade during
time-outs.
28.) Vikings -1 –
Things I would rather watch than the Vikings: CSPAN, The 700 Club, High School
girls Softball, Olympic Curling, a S#$%uars game.
29.) Raiders -1 –
Unwatchable.
30.) Steelers -1 – Douchelessbagger is coming up on his one year
anniversary of not (getting caught) raping anyone.
31.) Buccaneers NC –
Mike Glennon has 11 touchdowns in 7 games. Suddenly the F#$%aneers don’t seem
as bad as their record.
32.) Jaguars NC – “With the 1st overall
selection in the NFL 2014 draft, the Jack-#$%-sonville Jaguars select…”
