[Editor's Note: We regret the delay in delivering this week's Stink Rankings. Tim the Dis-Enchanter was earning his Masters in A-hole studies at Curmudgeon University. Congratulations, Tim, you're a certified *&^%$ now!]
The following may be found highly offensive. Do not consume the Stink Rankings if you are easily offended, have any sense of morality, are pregnant or may become pregnant. The views expressed below are that of a deeply bitter man and in no way reflect those of The Sports Narrative, any of its members or anyone with a conscience.
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Week Four Stink Rankings
1.) Seahawks +24
– Number one and still boring.
2.) Broncos +1 –
Poor Peyton. The NFL has been so unfair to him with their mean scheduling –
like the season opener in Denver against the Super Bowl champion Ravens. Thanks
Papa.
3.) Cowboys +3 – Dallas at
San Diego. Who would have thought that this would be THE defining moment for
both of these teams?
4.) Chiefs -1 –
Surgeons are fashioning a fire hose into a lap-band for Andy Reid.
5.) Bears -1 – It’s just about time for VaJayJay to take a big
dive. Detroit should be just about the right place.
6.) Bengals -1 – The NFL will be broadcasting a test pattern
during breaks in the Cincinnati/Cleveland game since no one would buy
advertising.
7.) Falcons +14 – Who cares.
8.) 69ers -6 – Man, it sucks
when other teams have all of that tape to look at after your rookie year,
doesn’t it? Not that an underperforming defense gets a pass.
9.) Texans -5 –
Welcome back to mediocrity. Your table is right this way, Mr. Schaub.
10.) Dolphins +9 –
If the Saints don’t obliterate Tannehomo and the tuna fish, I’m calling out of
work Tuesday.
11.) Patriots -4 – The
Falcons should easily mop the floor with these Pukes – Gronk or no Gronk.
12.) Saints -1 – 3-0 and no one talks about them. Are they the
Bills now?
13.) Redskins +2 –
Let’s hope they can beat the Raiders. Otherwise we will have to refer to him as
RG0-4, and it just doesn’t ‘pop’ the way “RG1-3” does.
14.) Packers +1 – This guy
I work with is a big religious fanatic and also a Packers fan (for reasons
unknown). I’ll bet he has a fantasy where the Pope comes out to do Easter Mass
with one of those stupid cheese hats on and then gives the “Discount
Double-check”
15.) Chargers +9 –
Who would have thought the San Diego/Dallas game would be so damn interesting
all of the sudden.
16.) Rams -4 – Sam
Bradford’s career is over.
17.) Cardinals +1 –
Arizona at Tampa Bay? Almost as exciting as Buffalo at Cleveland.
18.) Ravens +1 – Look for some team records to be broken on
Sunday as the Ravens humiliate what’s left of the Buffalo Bills.
19.) Lions +1 –
Donkey Kong Suh.
20.) Colts +1 –
Agape.
21.) Eagles +1 –
Things won’t get much better for “Chippy” and the dog killers this week in
Denver.
22.) Jets +1 –
Sanchez still out with a torn Labia, but Smith throwing approximately the same
percentage of interceptions so as not to disappoint.
23.) Panthers +2
–Boring.
24.) Steelers +2 – If the bloody Steelers don’t skive on Sunday,
Big Ben might look to tickle his bell-end in a pub, governor!
25.) Giants -11 – OK
Mr. Coughlin, no one is laughing at your impression of the Buffalo Bills. No
one except me. I’m actually laughing a lot.
26.) Vikings +1 –
The Vikings should ponder getting a new quarterback. Sam Bradford will be
available soon.
27.) Raiders +1 –
I would rather slam my testicles in the car door than watch the Raiders play on
Sunday.
28.) Buccaneers +1 –
What rhymes with “Posh Preeman Pot Penched Per Pike Plennon”?
29.) Titans +1 –
I would not have guessed the Titans/Jets game to be one worth watching this
week.
30.) Bills -13 –
Hopelessness. Marrone has failed. Players have not “bought in”. Mario Williams
is a bum. Manuel is a second string QB. The team is all beat up from injuries
because they are not conditioned. The Marrone/Manuel regime will set the
organization back another 4 years – minimum.
31.) Browns -15 – Mexican-Americans continue to protest the
team’s name through Hispanic Heritage Month.
32.) Jaguars NC – Can they win a game this
year?
