Rankings Filled with the Xmas Spirit!

Week Sixteen Stink Rankings

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter 

 

{Note: No movement this week. The Playoffs are getting close and the Buffalo Bills are quietly beginning to clean out their lockers. The Bills have signed a 10 year lease on Ralph Wilson Stadium and somewhere in Cleveland Ralph Wilson is peeing in his pants and thinking he's Napoleon}

 

1.) Patriots NC I don’t like the idea of incorporating “obtaining knowledge of, and studying other team’s game plans, plays, and formations” into the sport of football as an element of strategy – call me old fashioned. You simply do not dial-up these kinds of ass whippings this late in the season. The Pukeriots looked as though they had been in the huddle with the Texans. There is no way you’re in the perfect coverage every single time. Kudos to the 69ers for game planning.

 

2.) Texans NC Newsflash: Belichick’s brand of cheating involves gaining inside knowledge of the other teams formations, plays, etc. – but it’s the kind of cheating that a slimeball will try to get away with – like grabbing your 22 year old niece’s ass at Thanksgiving. That means that, despite his rampant and continued cheating, Houston should have dialed up some new plays for the Pukeriots to counter with. Laziness in game planning cost you an embarrassing loss to a pack of cheaters.

 

3.) Falcons NC I wouldn’t watch a Falcons game even if their cheerleaders went topless and it was broadcast in a bar on “Free Unlimited Heineken” night.

 

4.) Packers NC Why couldn’t Favre have tormented Aaron Rodgers in the locker room more before he left Green Bay so that Rodgers would have lacked the confidence to lead the team? Thanks for the legacy, Favre – oh, and for the thought of your penis as someone’s background on their iPhone.  

 

5.) Redskins NC “Robert Griffin the Third”. How hard was that? #StopSayingRGIII

 

6.) 69ers NC When I watch Buffalo games on television they show people eating chicken wings during returns from commercial breaks. Cowboys games will feature people clad in cowboy hats, Packers games have the “cheese-heads”, Pittsburgh has that idiotic towel. Damn it, when the Niners play, I want gay weddings at Halftime.

 

7.) Bears NC Cu*tler.

 

8.) Broncos NC How sad it must be to be Peyton Manning. He’s incredibly rich and famous for being able to throw an inflated leather ball accurately, yet he cannot possibly be intelligent enough to actually enjoy being that wealthy. Sometimes I imagine that he had the interior of his house built to look exactly like a big gymnasium locker room. Anytime someone came over he would then run around naked under a towel trying to snap you with other towels – or stuff you into lockers, because I’d bet that’s how he would most prefer to spend his free time. Thanks Papa.

 

9.) Giants NC I saw a picture of Eli online with his mouth closed. It was the worst Photoshop job I have ever seen. 

 

10.) Ravens NC The Ravens have really taken a dive in the last several weeks, but that is really insignificant when contrasted to the double-murder that Ray Lewis got away with. Merry Christmas, Ray.

 

11.) Saints NC Boring.

 

12.) Seahawks NC Pete Carroll is a total ass for having the nerve to fake a punt with a 30-point lead. Pete, your tender NFL career seems promising, but some of us will feel a sense of satisfaction when you lose your first playoff game next month.

 

13.) Steelers NC Uselessberger.

 

14.) Dolphins NC The Dolphins will lose to the Bills tomorrow. Not because the Bills are the better team, but because the Bills are too stupid to throw the game and keep a high draft pick for next year.

 

15.) Vikings NC Who cares.

 

16.) Buccaneers NC BORING.

 

17.) Rams NC Thank you Jeff Fisher. Thank you in your ear-hole, you dirty scumbag. I used to think you were a good coach. Now I see your players all start diving straight into everyone’s knees when they are losing a close game? Thank you, Jeff.

 

18.) Colts NC Edvard Munch’s famous painting: “The Scream” would have been much cooler if it were themed after the Indianapolis Colts. Instead of the ghastly screaming figure, he could have painted Andrew Luck with his gaping-hole-of-a-mouth standing on that bridge. Maybe a touch of Salvador Dali with some melting footballs in the background as well.

 

19.) Lions NC “Undone again Suh” should continue his kicking streak. Arms and balls are already on the list, so next time maybe he could kick someone in the eye. 

 

20.) Cowboys NC Quit storming off whining and throwing your hands in the air like a whining punk every time you don’t make a catch, Dez. Every time we see you do that, we are thinking: “yes, that does look like someone who might punch his mother in the face”. You are the biggest crybaby in the NFL since Michael “Sniffy” Irvin. Your attitude is inhibiting your success.

 

21.) Bills NC The Bills desperately need a franchise quarterback and the next draft is very thin with quarterback prospects. Oh Buffalo, what a lucky, lucky city you are. You could have been in on the quarterback boom of 2012, but hey you’ve got Stephon Gilmore.

 

22.) Cardinals NC Change your stupid mascot. You know what cardinals do? They lay eggs and sh*t on people – just like your team does every Sunday.

 

23.) Panthers NC Being 5 – 9 is the biggest reason not to do the “Superman shirt tear” after you do something insignificant during a game that you are about to lose. Please stop doing it.

 

24.) Bengals NC Unwatchable.

 

25.) Jets NC Inside sources have confirmed that the play where Sanchez drove his face into Brandon Moore’s ass was actually drawn up that way. And now you know.

 

26.) Eagles NC Michael Vick has been benched for several weeks since sustaining a concussion and being unable to pass the cognitive tests necessary to get cleared to play. Turns out he is fine after all, and just has an unusually low IQ. 

 

27.) Chargers NC Rivers is actually an extremely accurate quarterback, it’s just that he’s really bad at distinguishing between jerseys. 

 

28.) Raiders NC If the Raiders ever disbanded, their fans (who look like a cross between members of the rock band KISS and intellectually stunted and overweight Hun invaders) would simply glom on to other sports teams. Let’s keep the Raiders where they belong: Oakland.

 

29.) Browns NC The Browns couldn’t even have a winning season if you combined the entire team with the entire team of the Buffalo Bills and allowed a 106 man roster. The newly formed “Cleveland Brills” would still suck. The Bills would actually get slightly better.  

 

30.) Titans NC The Tennessee Flaming Thumbtacks.

 

31.) Jaguars NC Let us now “close the curtain of charity” on the Jaguars season, as Mr. Twain would say.

 

32.) Chiefs NC And with the number one pick in the 2013 NFL draft… 

Cowboys-Steelers Preview

Howdy Football Fans,

Normally this content is exclusive to The Cowboys Pre-game Show at

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/the-dfw-fan-connection-show

but today you are getting some premium content free of charge. You know, because it is the Holiday Season and all. So here it is:

Inside The Numbers

by @sportsnarrative

 

Alright Cowboys fans, as you may know I was one of the few analysts in all of America that predicted a narrow Cowboys victory last week after some intense film and statistically work. And while the Boys did manage to make it a bit closer than even I expected, a last second Dan Bailey FG proved my hypothesis and thus my genius. (HA!) With all that being said, I feel like I've got as good a grasp on this team as can be had in this crazy league we call the NFL. However, this week's news is not as favorable as last week and the Bold Predictions (patent-pending) section may even be more discouraging. Let's go to the numbers:

 

 

On Offense:

 

 

By the rankings, the Cowboys are 10th in total offense, 3rd in passing, 31st in rushing and 15th and points scored.

 

The Steelers are 19th in total offense, 11th in passing, 25th in rushing and 21st in points scored.

 

 

Here's a few more numbers in the Cowboys favor: TO margin Dal - 27th (-10) Pitt 31st (-13)

Yards per play: Dal - 12th Pitt - 23rd

So the Cowboys are clearly much more proficient at moving the football. However, there's a few numbers that are concerning for Dallas:

 

QB Rating Dal - 89.6 Pitt - 87.7 Time of Possession Dal - 7th Pitt - 2nd Sacks All Dal 31 Pitt 27

 

These numbers point to a much closer battle than the rankings would indicate and show two teams that like to posses the ball. Usually that means running the ball and not turning it over, both big factors for the game today.

 

 

On Defense:

 

 

By the ranking, the Cowboys are 11th in total defense, 8th in passing, 16th in rushing and 22nd in points allowed.

 

The Steelers are 1st in total defense, 1st in passing, 5th in rushing and 7th in points allowed.

 

 

While the yardage number for the Dallas D looks good, some interior numbers reveal a soft underbelly on that side of the ball due to the major injuries at NT, ILB and S.

 

Yard per play allowed Dal 23rd (5.7) Pitt 2nd (4.5) Comp % allowed Dal - 62.5 Pitt - 54.7

QB Rating against Dal - 93.4 Pitt - 77.4

20+ yard pass plays allowed Dal - 43 Pitt - 23

 

The Steelers, despite some impressive stats, are much more vanilla than in years past. They don't allow you to hit big plays, but they also don't turn the ball over like they normally do. The Steelers seek to grind you down with Time of Possession, a punishing yet unspectacular running attack and relying on Big Ben to fend off sacks and make plays.

 

Meanwhile, the Cowboys are allowing teams to drive the field especially in the first 2 quarters, and then rely on Romo and his weapons to rally back from a deficit. This is a strategy I don't think will work today.

 

 

Keys to Victory:

 

 

1. Establish the Run:

Both teams will seek to establish the run early, and I look for a slow grind to the first half of football.

 

2. Injuries at CB:

With Claiborne questionable and Ike Taylor out, both teams are missing their top duo of corners so the ability to isolate and get the ball to the WRs will play a big factor in today's outcome.

 

3. Get to the QB:

Both teams have a major weakness in the offensive line, so protecting their signal callers is a big deal. The Cowboys must have more than just DeMarcus Ware pressuring the QB as Big Ben is rarely brought down by only 1 tackler. The Cowboys O-Line also must gel and act with one mind to block the exotic blitz scheme of the Steelers 3-4, something they really haven't done all year.

 

 

Bold Predictions:

 

1. Kyle Orton will take at least 1 snap in this game, as I think Romo is going to take a beating. After what Cincinnati did to the Cowboys QB last week, this week could be much much worse.

 

2. The crowd will be louder for Steelers TDs than Cowboys TDs. A large amount of apathy in the Cowboys fandom means that many transplanted Steelers fans should be in attendance and will be quite vocal.

 

3. Final Score: Pittsburgh 23 Dallas 13

For all the good feelings I had about a Dallas victory last week, I have equally bad feelings for the Cowboys this week. I think this game will end the Cowboys pursuit of the playoffs, end the season's of a few injured players (Dez, Claiborne and maybe Romo) and overall be a grinding and boring game. Sorry, Cowboys fans. It just doesn't look good for you this Sunday.

 



12-12-12

A show that can only happen once every 100 years! Join Jeff and the crew as they talk sports and all that implies. Football, baseball, basketball, entertainment, etc

http://thesportsnarrative.podbean.com/mf/web/zmfgig/12-12-12.mp3

Apocalypse Now?

Bottom of The Bottle

by The Mick

 

Hey it’s your old pal The Mick finally writing some stuff. I know I’m behind schedule, whatever. It’s normally helpful if someone throws me an idea or two, even if I reject the ideas it helps me get stories going. Of course, lately nothing has been getting the ire going. All the news stories have been boring: some guy kills his chick and himself, some celeb got in a fight while another has a crappy home life, politicians are wrong about how the world works and we suffer the consequences. Blah, blah, boring. I know it’s not going to happen, but, the Mayan end times would at least be different.

I actually love all the doomsday screamers. “Oh no, we are all gonna die. Dead people said so!” If they were so prophetic, then why didn’t they see their own extinction coming? It’s hard to believe someone that didn’t see it coming. The “true believers” say that somewhere in the dead language carvings that the Mayans did see the Spanish Inquisition. I think not, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Of course, most scholars agree that it’s all a pile of s#!t. A huge steaming pile of soft bacteria riddled s#!t. The biggest issue with stating an end from a countdown is the beginning. Let’s get deep for a second. If you want to have an hourglass effect, then when does it get turned over? Let’s say that humans will have 200,000 years to do everything we can before we turn back into lemurs. Based on the latest findings, we have 5000 years left. That is until older remains are found next week which will give us only 100 years. Of course, we don’t have an accurate dating system. The tightest dating methods are plus or minus 25,000 years, maybe. It seems like a tightly guarded secret how much guessing goes on in archeology. Which brings me back to the main point, how can you count down when you don’t know when the clock started?

But, it’s a calendar and it’s a circle. Circles are great because they have no end or beginning. The long count calendar (the bad one) is supposed to be linear, and so is the Gregorian calendar. That’s our calendar, you know, the new one you buy every year with pictures of kittens and naked women. So in a few thousand years when our society is gone and forgotten we will be seen as the most pessimistic people ever. This obsession with the end hasn’t helped us appreciate what we have as it should and that will be our downfall.

So see y’all on the 22^nd, bitches!

Week 14 Stink Rankings

Week 14 Stink Rankings

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter

 

 

Note: Readership has exceeded 10,000 this week. That's more people than voted for Mitt Romney in the state of Vermont. Lol

 

 

1.) Patriots NC With the Pukeriots on top, NFL game watching is at an all-time low. No wonder the terrorists hate us.

 

 

2.) Texans NC Houston beats the Titans. Gee, who saw that coming? How will their fans react when they finish their season 0 -1 in the playoffs?

 

 

3.) Falcons +1Who is more orange? Matty Yikes, John Boehner, or Snookie?

 
 

4.) Packers +2 I would rather be kicked in the testicles than see the Packers in the playoffs again.

 

 

5.) Redskins +3 It is Robert Griffin, not “RG3”. For the love of god, please stop saying “RG3”.

 
 

6.) 69ers -3 Copernicus takes a dive and coughs one up to the Rams in overtime.

 

 

7.) Bears -2  Cu*tler’s mid-season dive is late this year, but finally arrived Sunday in a loss to the Sqwaks. Better late than never.

 
 

8.) Broncos +3 Thanks Papa.

 
 

9.) Giants NC Eli Manning’s game has been off ever since Andrew Luck showed the world that the gaping hole of a mouth in his face is bigger than Eli’s. If the Giants play the Colts, an overtime scenario would be determined by players tossing bean bags into the opposing quarterback’s mouths. 

 
 

10.) Ravens -3 Flacco looked like he had taken his game to the next level until rolling over for Pittsburgh on Sunday. Rolling over and biting the pillow.

 
 

11.) Saints -1 Looks like Drew Brees’ streak of touchdown passes is over. Somewhere Terry Bradshaw is smiling and snorting lines of Viagra.

 

 

 

12.) Seahawks NC Boring.

 

 

13.) Steelers NC Worthlessberger.

 
 

14.) Dolphins +1 Looks like the Dolphins will end up in cans of tuna again this year.

 
 

15.) Vikings +1 I would rather drink Windex than watch the Vikings play.

 

 

16.) Buccaneers +1Who cares.

 
 

17.) Rams +1 The Rams keep looking better – especially after a HUGE win over the 69ers.

 

 

 

18.) Colts +8 Can you imagine choosing Andrew Luck as the Best Man at your wedding? You’re standing there next to your beautiful wife about to enter into the sanctity of marriage and you look over and that moron is standing there in a tuxedo with that gaping hole of a mouth in his face with snot leaking into it and flies going in and out? Well, I can. And I think about it ALL the time.

 
 

19.) Lions -5 Yeah, thanks for choking in the Colts game. Come on, you couldn’t have kicked Andrew Luck in the nuts and pulled out a win??

 
 

20.) Cowboys +2 Overpaid and underperforming: Now that’s a real America’s team!

 
 

21.) Bills -2 An impressive win over the Chokuars doesn’t move the Bills in the rankings. The Bills can still make the playoffs, but it seems unlikely. Pittsburgh’s team plane would have to go down killing all aboard. Israel would have to sign a peace accord with the Palestinians, and the show “Knight Rider” would have to return to prime-time after 26 years. While all of these things are possible, remember the Bills would also have to win out for the rest of the season, which seems the least likely of all these things.

 

 

22.) Cardinals -2Two field goals over the floundering Jets?

 

 

23.) Panthers -2How has it all gone so terribly wrong?

 

 

24.) Bengals -1 [comments omitted due to the continuing underperformance of the team]

 
 

25.) Jets -1 Whose ass will Sanchez plant his face into this week?

 
 

26.) Eagles -1 Potential jobs for Andy Reid: 1.) The new Gorton’s fisherman 2.) Replacing Wilford Brimley on those diabetes commercials, or 3.) Spokesman for Cialis

 
 

27.) Chargers NC Looks like the Chargers have arced and blown a fuse.

 
 

28.) Raiders NC I would rather watch Mitt Romney’s dancing horse Rafalca dance to “Gangnam Style” than watch the Raiders play on Sunday.

 
 

29.) Browns NC Damn you for making us watch the Cleveland Browns, Roger Goodell. Damn you straight to hell.

 

 

30.) Titans NC Matt Hasselbeck is terrible, but he’s sure got a purdy mouth. REEEEEEEEEE!!! REEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Editors Note: ok, I was trying to give a ‘shout’ to Tennessee rednecks with a pun from the movie “Deliverance”, but since some of the younger readers may not get the reference, “Deliverance” is a movie about these guys who used to play for Steelers who go on a canoe trip and get sodomized by rednecks and are made to squeal like pigs. Sorry, it was late and I was tired.

 

 

 

31.) Jaguars NC The Los Angeles Chokuars.

 

 

32.) Chiefs NC Time to blow it up and start over. Firing Romeo Crennel would be a good place to start.



Creative Solutions to Real World Problems

Bottom of The Bottle

By The Mick

Hey it’s you old pal The Mick here with a brilliant idea. As you know I like to sit around and think about how screwed up our society is and its many mistakes. So, being the genius (drunk) that I am I have solved yet another of the world’s problems. It all started while I was going over the issues of life from the past couple of days and I realized how much schools have changed since I was there. Back in my day if you were being bullied you had two options: you could sit back and take it or you could fight back. In the ancient 20^th century a teacher would just shrug if you said anything and you were then forever labeled a snitch. But today, schools have a zero tolerance for bullies and kids are encouraged to speak up. This new policy stems from the rash of school shooting in the late 1990’s and early 2000’s, which I can tell you is a bad policy and a direct cause of said shootings. In 1997 I remember a law being passed that made the punishment for fighting the exact same as the penalty for using a gun. When they announced that law at my high school assembly I spoke out and said, “That’s retarded! Kids are just going to start shooting each other!” Even back then I was a prophet. But now, almost 20 years later, and since I just thought about it, I have a solution. Fight Boxes! It’s a simple idea that will work for children and adults.

Let’s start in the schools. The boxes can be just a taped off area, preferably by the principal’s office. When two kids have a beef they throw down their backpacks and He-Man lunchboxes and step into the ring. Two kids, one on one, and since the principal or other school official can see it, the fights will be short. Each kid, no matter the winner, will get the same slap on the wrist, be it in school suspension or detention plus a stern talking to in order to ensure the issue is squashed. Now for the important bit, the Fight Box is for two people only. If another kid jumps in to “gang” up on the other kid it now becomes a gang issue. Gang violations should be incredibly stiff which includes actual jail time. The same goes for any weapon use. That way the fights are as fair as possible and hormonal teenagers don’t shoot the place up and we aren’t raising a generation of pu**ies.

Now for the adult version, this gets a little more complicated. The Fight Box will be an actual box with walls and a door. To enter the box both people must swipe their ID, that way you can be summoned to Fight Court. Fight Court is where you pay your nominal fine and court costs, just like the school version. Everyone pays the same amount no matter the outcome, so I’m thinking $25 fine and $25 court fee should suffice. A sensor on the door will let the system know if more than two people enter and when the contestants leave. Of course, it will be equipped with a red emergency button in case someone gets knocked the f#@k out. You knock a fool out, exit and hit the button no additional fine is levied. However, after 30 seconds if the second person doesn’t leave emergency personnel will be automatically be dispatched and fighter number 1 gets hit with attempted murder charges. Weekly maintenance people will test the doors, ID readers and emergency systems as well as give it a good scrubbing. Granted the small fines won’t pay that salary, but, I would gladly pay an extra dollar on my vehicle registration to have a properly maintained Fight Box. All Fight Boxes will be equipped with cameras that will feed to local police, for an added security net against cheating, as well as to a local TV channel and to YouTube. Every bar in America would have its own channel because what’s better than watching a real reality show of people settling disputes street justice style. Did I mention in the adult Fight Box that you have to enter without weapons, rings or shirts? That’s important because it applies to anyone entering the Fight Box. Men, women, skinny, fat, young or old must remove shirts before fighting. I can imagine the plethora of excuses now, “I’d kick your ass if I had $50!” or “I’d take you on, but, my license is expired.” Of course hardcore mother#@kers will slap a Grant on the table and say, “Let’s go, bitch.”

So, there you go faithful readers I have solved a ton of problems at once. I have given society, both young and old, a release for their issues and created additional jobs and revenue. Vote The Mick 2016!!!

16 days to the Apocalypse Podcast

Join Jeff, Darren and The Mick for 90 minutes of sports, laughs and fun. Special guest Dustin Copening will join the show for some serious Hot Stove Baseball talk and stick around for some Terrible NFL Picks. Tell a friend!

http://thesportsnarrative.podbean.com/mf/web/cnwnde/12-5.mp3

Episode #13

Happy December, sports fans! In a special 90 minute show, Jeff and The Mick discuss the tragic events in Kansas City, the weekend in college and pro football and have a few laughs as well. Enjoy!

I. The Narrative - Commentary on the KC events
II. NFL Recaps
III. College Football Round-Up
IV. Entertainment Enema w/ The Mick

http://thesportsnarrative.podbean.com/mf/web/txn2eh/Podcast13.mp3

Rangers Blog from Darren Boyd

Hey Ranger Fans, the long awaited Winter Meetings are upon us starting Monday. The NFL & NBA typically have most of their Free Agents signed in 72-96 hours when the window opens while baseball likes to draw out Free Agency over many, many, many months. Anyway, here is a look at a few areas of need that our Rangers will be shopping for.
 

Catchers- It is a weak market but a major piece went off of it yest as Russell Martin signed a 2 yr 17 mill deal with the Pirates. Shocking to me because his camp wanted 4 yr for 40 mill. What will this say about Mike Napoli's value in the market place. He also wants 4 years but so far nobody will offer more then 3 years. I bet he is upset for turning down that 3 year 36 mill extension the Rangers offered last year. I still think the Rangers will land him for 3 years for 27 mill range. Also tonight the Rangers have to make a descion on G. Soto wether to tender him for around 5 mill or let him test free agency. Goodbye Soto unless you want to come back for 2 years and 5 mill total. If Napoli and Soto go else where I expect the Rangers to trade for a starter.
 

Pitching. The Golden Egg is Zach Grienke. Rumors out there that he will get 7 years and 165 mill. This would make him the highest paid right hander in MLB history if so. The Rangers have 2 billionaire owners, if they want to shell out that kind of money for him, I'm on board. You can never have enough quality pitching in baseball. Outside of Zach there is nothing on the free agent market that excites the Rangers. They will stay in house to fill out the rotation baring a major trade.
 

Josh Hamilton- At the end of the season I said goodbye to Josh. Btw, the only baseball jersey Ive ever owned is a Red Josh Jersey. I thought it was comical when the 7 year 175 mill rumors were out there. It seemed that the Rangers and Josh were moving on. Now that time as passed and the Market is slow for Josh I can see a Ranger return.......on the Rangers terms. Money wont be a issue its just the length of contract. Id speculate the Rangers offer 3 years with a 1 option at 25 mill a year. Will that get it done, it might. of course it just takes 1 team to fall in love with Josh and back up the Brinks truck.
 

Ive never understood why fans get so upset about paying players. The Tom Hicks days are long gone. The Rangers have 2 billionaire owners and a massive Fox TV contract coming up. You cant always win in Free agency but as the lotto motto says " you cant win if you don't play" We shall watch over the coming months as the Rangers add a few pieces to a 93 win team and look to get back to the promise land.

The Sports Narrative at Night

Due to the holiday rush, the Sports Narrative Podcast is moving to PRIMETIME, BABY! Join Jeff, The Mick and special contributor Dustin Copening of DFWFanConnection.com as they talk NFL, college football and all the other goings-on in sports and touch on pop culture as well. So keep your ears listening for fun and frivolity!

http://thesportsnarrative.podbean.com/mf/web/kjyhc6/TSNatNight11-29.mp3

Week 12 Stink Rankings

Week Twelve Stink Rankings

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter 

 

1.) Patriots +8 They have once again cheated their way to the top. You cannot play that tightly without inside information – it’s as if they’re inside the huddle. The Patriots are a very good team who also cheat. 

2.) Texans +2 On the one hand, I see another lackluster win that should have come easy. On the other, I see another gritty “Git-R-Done” overtime win. They really aren’t that good, but they are winning games thanks to stupid mistakes by their opponents.

3.) 69ers +5 Copernicus should immediately replace Smith at QB.

4.) Falcons NC Matty Yikes’ face is looking more and more like that of a wax statue with that absurdly orange fake tan.

5.) Bears -4 Cu*tler’s return will answer the questions raised about Da Bears after that embarrassing loss to Copernicus and the 69ers.

6.) Packers -2 Aaron Rodgers moves ahead of Philip Rivers this week in the “Douchiest Quarterbacks of all time” list. Yes, “douchiest” is a word. It’s a word because I said so, and I have granted myself authority to create words since 1986. 

7.) Ravens -2 The Ravens are definitely in the top 5 teams who can guarantee a boring game. I nominate them for the #2 spot behind the Browns.

8.) Redskins +5 Mr. Griffin is a winner. He shows great poise and he is leading the Redskins to the Playoffs.

9.) Giants -3 The G-men had better get it together fast after choking in Pittsburgh and Cincinnati.

10.) Saints +1 Saints/69ers tomorrow should be the game of the week. I’m sure CBS will air the Titans/Jaguars instead. They’ll do this because they are a**holes. And now you know.

11.) Broncos -4 The sickening alliance between egocentric meat-head Manning and “14 cent-per-pizza-apocalypse” John Schnatter continues to ferment. Soon they will announce their plan to run for President and VP in 2016. Thanks Papa.

12.) Seahawks -2 Boring.

13.) Steelers NC Douchelessbagger.

14.) Lions +5 Donkey Kong Sue kicked Matt Schaub in the balls on national TV on Thanksgiving. God bless America, my home sweet home.

15.) Dolphins -1 Reggie Bush is poised for another 20 yard rushing day in Seattle.

16.) Vikings NC Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.

17.) Buccaneers NC Bucs beat the Falcons tomorrow in a shocker upset.

18.) Rams NC The Rams should scoop up a nice road victory tomorrow against the Cardinals.

19.) Bills +4 The Bills need to watch out for that black hole that orbits Andrew Luck’s face that he refers to as a “mouth”. If you get too close to it, you can be drawn into its inescapable gravitational pull and condensed into a singularity. If mucus and sweat are running into it before halftime, the Bills could have a long day in Indy. 

20.) Cardinals NC Los pinche Cardinalos esta el stinko!

21.) Panthers NC – Irrelevant. Newton is the poster boy for the spoiled, entitled, and narcissistic youth of today.

22.) Cowboys -10 Dear Jerry, Keeping Tony Romo around is further evidence of your utter incompetence as a General Manager. PS: Dez is not “all that and a bag of chips” either. More like a half eaten sandwich plucked from a dumpster and covered with ants, without any chips.  

23.) Bengals +1 It is annoying having to think of something to say about teams like the Bengals week in and week out. Next week the Stink Rankings may only include 31 teams.

24.) Jets -2 Nice face-plant into the meaty ass of your Offensive Lineman, Sanchez. “We’re gonna incorporate Tebow into the offense”, “We’re not gonna use Tebow”, “We’re gonna incorporate Tebow into the offense”, “We’re not gonna use Tebow”. Gee, what has gone so awry in New York? Hmmm... why, whatever could it be? Hmmm…

25.) Eagles NC The story of the Eagle’s season: “NC”. How has it all gone so terribly wrong?

26.) Colts NC Andrew Luck’s mouth is like a Chinese restaurant on Christmas: Guaranteed to be open.

27.) Chargers NC Hey Rivers, where is your god now?

28.) Raiders NC I just got a headache thinking about the Raiders.

29.) Browns +1 Browns pull off a shocker and defeat Pittsburgh tomorrow. Make sure you tell all of your buddies that you heard it first on America’s most trusted source for football insight: The Stink Rankings.

30.) Titans -1 The Titans officially change their name to the Tennessee Drooling Idiots next year.

31.) Jaguars NC Way to choke in Houston, Chokuars.

32.) Chiefs NC The team should disband, the stadium should be bull-dozed, and all evidence of a team called “the Chiefs” should be eliminated. Let us never speak of this again.

Live Show #4

Hope everyone had a joyous and gluttonous Thanksgiving!

Join Jeff and Darren as we preview the weekend in sports, make some terrible NFL picks against the spread and feature our namesake segment "The Narrative" on college football rivalries.

http://thesportsnarrative.podbean.com/mf/web/zwvh9r/11-23.mp3

Bottom of the Bottle

Bottom of the Bottle

by The Mick

Hey it’s your old pal The Mick feeling all stuffed and sleepy. It is Thanksgiving and time for food, football, and naps. For the past 73 and 46 years respectively, we have watched the Detroit Lions and Dallas Cowboys football. I know I’m not supposed to talk sports in my blog, but, it’s tradition on this day. I remember as a kid we used to eat and play during the Lions game and sit around the TV and watch the Boys. I have so many good memories of family and laughter, but, not so much the food. Today, however, times have changed and while the food was much better today (thanks mom) I have yet to laugh.

So let’s talk football. I’ve heard a lot about how the game has gone to s*!t. People complain about the new rules and that it’s going to be flag football in the next 5 years. I admit that I’m among them, but, what irks me is that the league says it wants to protect the players and that’s why they have the new rules. I’m good with that. My question is this, if you want to protect the players, where are the pads? I remember as a kid all levels, from high school to the pros, players wore more pads. If you want players to live longer, cover them better. Thigh pads, hip and tailbone pads and flak jackets would save players careers. Only a couple of players today have thigh protection and that is nuts, especially since the league has “lowered the tackle target”. After about 5 seconds online I found about half a dozen light weight impact resistant polymers and places to buy it for cheap shaped anyway I want. I guess Roger Goodell has never heard of Google. It’s a quick fix that will have little to no effect on the game. Some players may lose half a step with the extra weight and restriction, but like Marines, they will adapt and overcome (Heartbreak Ridge).

Now as far as the rules go, three letters, XFL. Yeah, do you remember that load of crap? If not, let me remind you. Vince McMahon, the wrestling guy, decided to start a football league that was chalked full of good ideas. Seriously, on paper this s#!t was brilliant. Players had two pay rates depending on if they won or not. BRILLIANT! The biggest thing was the bump and run. That’s where they did away with pass interference and destroyed the game. You see if you have a free-for-all every time the ball is thrown then nobody catches it. If no one can catch the ball, then you run it. While the running game is very important, it becomes boring. What McMahon did was make a stop and go rugby. WHICH IS HORRIBLE! Rugby is awesome because it is fast paced and brutal and needs to come to American TV.

Now, another Thanksgiving tradition we used to have was to draw secret Santa. So here’s my Christmas wish: I want rugby. We need sevens in America and now would be the perfect time to bring it. Hockey is done, football is in distress and sports fans are open to something new. As long as the rules don’t get changed rugby could very well become the most popular sport in America. The season could be during the hockey season or football off season it could be perfect. Just name me commissioner and I think we’ve got something.

Don’t forget the show is now live and daily. 1PM to 2PM CST. Here’s all the links and have a happy, healthy and gluttonous Thanksgiving, everybody:

 

For the live show:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thesportsnarrative or call in (347) 308-8637

For the podcast and blog:

www.thesportsnarrative.com

Live Show #3

On today's one hour live show, Jeff and The Mick establish their new Wednesday format called "The Sports Landscape." Each week they will take a broader look at the world of sports as a whole in an NPR-type discussion format. In addition, The Mick cleanses us from the sports world briefly in a segment called "The Entertainment Enema" Enjoy!

I. First 15 - brief look at the sports news of the day

II. The Entertainment Enema - featuring The Mick

III. The Sports Landscape - The state and future of the NFL

http://thesportsnarrative.podbean.com/mf/web/iikukb/11-21.mp3

College Football Round-Up

On today's 1 hour extravaganza, Jeff and Darren wrap up the weekend in college football and peruse the rest of the sports world as well. Join us tomorrow for "The Sports Landscape" when we take a broader and more in-depth look at the state and future of the NFL. And join us on the air with your comments via email thesportsnarrative@gmail.com or twitter @sportsnarrative or by calling in live from 1 PM to 2 PM CST at (347) 308-8637. Thanks!

http://thesportsnarrative.podbean.com/mf/web/c5e7ix/college-football-tuesday.mp3

Our First Live Show!

Live from New York, It's Monday Afternoon!!! Very excited for the first new 1 hour show format. Jeff, Darren and The Mick discuss this weekend's NFL action game by game and preview tonight's Monday Night match-up. Give us a listen or jump in on the show yourself weekdays at 1PM CST.

http://thesportsnarrative.podbean.com/mf/web/dbwm89/show_4040603.mp3

Stink Rankings

Week Eleven Stink Rankings

 

By Tim the Dis-Enchanter

 

1.) Bears á1 – Cu*tler was flattened in a dirty hit. Texans win, but the Bears are a better team who lost a strong 4^th quarter QB to a cheap hit.

 

2.) Packers á1 – Aaron Rodgers makes full use of the Bye Week to make some more sh*tty commercials.  

 

3.) Texans á1 – I’m certain your fans are all leading the chorus of remarks besmirching Roger Goodell and the NFL for the penalty and fine on Dobbins for the dirty cheap hit on Cu*tler.   

 

4.) Falcons á1 - I finally pick them to win and they lose. Matt Ryan should consider taking a day or two off from tanning. He’s starting to look like one of those douche-bag Gotti kids from that miserable television show.    

 

5.) Ravens á6 - They absolutely murdered the Raiders, destroyed their bloody shirts and got away with it by intimidating the witnesses.

 

6.) Giants â5 – Way to choke in Cincinnati.

 

7.) Broncos á2 – Peyton Manning and the Papa John’s Guy officially come out of the closet and get married in Maine. Peyton is still a giant douche and Papa’s pizzas still taste like hot vomit on cardboard. Thanks Papa.

 

8.) 69ers â2 – Tragically, Alex Smith left the game with a concussion just as he was about to move ahead of Ryan Leaf in the statistics chart.

 

9.) Patriots â2 – You should have lost to the floundering Bills. A mistake by a rookie wide receiver in the last 20 seconds of the game resulting in a win does nothing to make the Pukeriots look the least bit intimidating.

 

10.) Seahawks â2 – Seattle’s quarterback look great against the Jets, whoever he is.   

 

11.) Saints á8 – They are still cleaning the brown smears of Matt Ryan’s fake tan off the turf in the Superdome.

 

12.) Cowboys á5 – The Cowboys mauled the Eagles. Can they win another one?

 

13.) Steelers â3 – Rapistberger narrowly squeaked out a win against the Junior Varsity Chiefs. Then almost died.

 

14.) Dolphins â2 – The Dolphins have ended up in cans of tuna the last two games.

 

15.) Redskins â2 – Either they had a bye week, or else I just didn’t look that hard to find the score of whatever game they might have played. I guess we’ll never know.

 

16.) Vikings NC – Way to put the Lions in their place.

 

17.) Buccaneers á1 – They’re awesome because they beat the Chargers.

 

18.) Rams á4 – The Rams keep getting better. Kicking San Francisco in the nuts with that tie was gratifying.

 

19.) Lions â4 – The wheels have fallen off just in time for the Lions to roll over and get stuffed by the Texans on Thanksgiving. Sorry for the graphic image.

 

20.) Cardinals NC – Such a stupid mascot for an NFL franchise. How about the Arizona Right-Wing Nut-jobs? Now there’s a scary mascot!

 

21.) Panthers NC – Who?

 

22.) Jets â8 – Te-Bow! Te-Bow! Te-Bow!

 

23.) Bills á6 – They suck at 4 – 6, but they beat the Dolphins, so for one week in Buffalo the clouds have parted and a little ray of sunshine has pierced through. Screw you Marino.

 

24.) Bengals â1 – Who cares.

 

25.) Eagles â1 – Cry Eagles, cry!

 

26.) Colts â1 – Andrew Luck’s disgusting mouth hanging open every Sunday is preventing us from winning the war on terror.

 

27.) Chargers â1 - Bad

 

28.) Raiders â1- Worse

 

29.) Titans â1- Horrible

 

30.) Browns NC – Abysmal

 

31.) Jaguars NC - Useless

 

32.) Chiefs NC – Irrelevant

Bottom of the Bottle

Bottom of the Bottle

from The Mick

It’s your old pal The Mick back again. While waiting on the results of a culture, a REAL important culture I’ve come to realize I am a very angry person. What if this bacterial experiment I’m growing in my body is fatal? My adult life has been spent trying to avoid contributing to the creation of Cap’n Tripps and it might be my undoing. Of course, on the other side of the coin, since I run from antibiotics like a Scientologist from reason, the pills could work better. In all reality, it’s probably just a run of the mill staph infection and I get to enjoy twenty days of constipation. Yay!

Speaking of painful stool, what the f@#k is the world’s obsession with Kristin Stewart? She looks, sounds, and acts like every West Side crack whore I’ve ever met. Yes, I have met a LOT of crack whores. No, that’s not where the infection came from. But, I digress, everyone seems to love this greasy haired, dead eyed, emotion free skank that evokes less feelings than Wilson. WILSON!!!!!!! I tried to find some other movies she was in and the only one I had seen was Jumper and I don’t remember her. So in a forgettable movie she got lost. Even Samuel L. Jackson sucked in that film.

Okay, I had an idea for an entertainment related second issue, but television has changed that. The Civil War was not about slavery per se. If you want to throw a blanket term over the whole affair, it would be taxation. It was voted on, by the congress that a slave would count as three fifths of a person for representation. So your Yankee superiority is shot out of the water right there. In fact, they were contemplating ending slavery in the beginning of the nation, but, decided it wasn’t the time. So, you have slavery going on for almost a hundred years because they hadn’t gotten around to ending it yet and while we have them they won’t count as a full person. The last straw was that slaves were taxed as a full person, and land taxes were raised, cotton taxes were raised along with salt. Imagine that, taxation without proper representation started a war. Strange, I know.

Man I wish I could remember what I was going to write about. It would’ve tied in with an infection and Kristin Stewart. I know it’s not a far jump; the magic would be in the third subject. But, no. I lost the thought thanks to The History Channel spewing out crap. It’s similar to the crap coming from my wound and Kristin Steward’s acting ability.

Holy s#!t, I did it!

Episode #11

On this week's episode of The Sports Narrative Podcast, Jeff and The Mick break down an exciting weekend in college and pro football, highlight the famous Heidi Bowl between the Jets and Raiders, talk James Bond and all things entertainment, preview the college basketball season and then make some horrible NFL Picks.

I. NFL Recaps

II. The Narrative - Heidi Bowl

III. College Football Round-up

IV. Entertainment Enema w/ The Mick

V. The Sports Landscape

VI. Awful NFL Picks

http://thesportsnarrative.podbean.com/mf/web/rth4ne/Podcast12.mp3

Week Ten Stink Rankings

Week Ten Stink Rankings

by Tim the Dis-Enchanter 

 

In lieu of the usual demeaning commentary, I thought I’d share some reflections on the Bills vs. Texans game from last Sunday since I was fortunate enough to see it up close and personal.

 There we were in a King Privacy room on the 26^th floor of the Hyatt Regency in downtown Houston. The city was beautiful and to my amazement, dwarfed the DFW Metroplex in size. We didn’t go to the game at Reliant Stadium under any illusions that the Bills would defeat the mighty Texans, but from our seats on the 45 yard line in the front row, we were excited to be so close to my home team. Honestly, the Bills played well. Fitzpatrick did not turn the ball over until garbage time in the last 2 minutes out of desperation. Spiller and Jackson did not see many touches, but with man-to-man match-ups on the wide-outs, I expected to see the Bills throw the ball the majority of the time. In a nutshell: not finishing drives put the game out of reach. The Bills were in the Red Zone at least 4 times and came away with 3 field goals for 9 points. The Texans were in the Red Zone 4 times and came away with 3 touchdowns for 21 points. End of story. I might have gone for it on 4^th and 1 from the 2 yard line if I were Chan, since the season is on the line and you are playing the number one team in the AFC on the road, but otherwise I did not see too much that displeased me. As usual, the Defense was good for about 3 quarters before coughing up big plays. Incidentally, Aaron Williams single-handedly cost the Bills every single one of those big plays. He was terrible – no – he was abysmal. I know that technically this is his ‘rookie’ season since he was out on injury all of last year, but come on – Williams should be getting the hang of it by now.

 Well, there were certainly no surprises from the Bills last Sunday. – Unless, of course, you count Mario Williams getting a sack and playing generally well for 60 minutes. There was one surprise in Reliant Stadium last Sunday other than Mario Williams, and that was the Texans fans. What a bunch of rude braggart assholes. We were constantly taunted in the stadium and it very nearly ruined the entire experience for us. The Cowboys fans were urbane and cordial compared to these obnoxious drunken pricks. In particular, there was one loud mouth fan that I would like to address.

 You were sitting in Section 128; right around the 7^th or 8^th row and just about in seat number 10 or so. I have no idea who you are, but at least 3 entire sections were wishing that you would die by Halftime. We listened to your vulgar, taunting screams and jeers at the Bills players and fans around you for the entire 60 minutes of the game. Not one single time did I hear you cheer for the Texans. You found it far more gratifying to scream obscenities at opposing team’s players and fans as you slowly pickled in Bud Lite. Thanks for ruining the experience you piece of dog sh*t. Every time the police officers walked by on the sidelines, I was fantasizing that they would pull out one of those old-school tasers (you know, the ones that fire the two piercing contacts into your skin) and shoot you right in the face. In my elaborate fantasy, one contact would shoot right into the meat of your eyeball, and the other contact would punch through the greenish toned skin of your cheek and sink deep into the flesh of your tongue. With both contacts set, the officer could then send a million volts into your face, cooking your eyeball like a hard-boiled egg while your mustache burst into flames and you shit your pants. For the rest of your life you’d have to walk around blind in one eye, and with a pronounced speech impediment from the nerve damage in your tongue. When anyone asked you what in the hell happened, you would reply, “I wuth an athole at a Thexans game and thum cop tathed my fathe.” Believe me, I understand why you felt so empowered to behave the way you did; there were 80,000 other people who had your back. A markedly different scenario than when you’re at work and someone says, “Hey a**hole break’s over -now let’s get the rest of this furniture in the truck!” and you have to force a smile and bite your tongue as you butt out your cigarette and go back for the rest of the dining room table. You see, I totally understand why you hate the world. It’s just a shame that you had to ruin the game-day experience for other people while you poured that rage out on the Bills players and fans. You were a black eye on an otherwise beautiful city. I can only hope that maybe someday you will either come to see what a selfish cocksucker you are, or else fall asleep with a lit cigarette. Either way, I’ll be rooting against the Texans for the rest of the season. Thank you. Now here's this week's rankings:

 

 1.) Giants NC

 

2.) Bears á2

 

3.) Packers â1  

 

4.) Texans â1

 

5.) Falcons á1   

 

6.) 69ers á1

 

7.) Patriots á1

 

8.) Seahawks  á1  

 

9.) Broncos â4

 

10.) Steelers á3

 

11.) Ravens  á1  

 

12.) Dolphins â2

 

13.) Redskins â2

 

14.) Jets â1

 

15.) Lions á1

 

16.) Vikings á2

 

17.) Cowboys â3  

 

18.) Buccaneers á1  

 

19.) Saints á6

 

20.) Cardinals NC

 

21.) Panthers á2

 

22.) Rams â1

 

23.) Bengals â1  

 

24.) Eagles â7

 

25.) Colts á2

 

26.) Chargers â2

 

27.) Raiders â1

 

28.) Titans NC

 

29.) Bills NC

 

30.) Browns NC

 

31.) Jaguars NC

 

32.) Chiefs NC